Where oh where has my mojo gone? It has been a long year. And as much as I love writing this blog, I haven’t had the motivation. Well, to be honest – it has been a combination of things. Late last year, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That diagnosis overwhelmed me and took over my life for the better part of 2019. Things were moving so fast, I didn’t really have time to take stock of how I was feeling. By the time some of the fog cleared – I had new fog. The chemotherapy and its aftermath left me with an inability to focus on much. My memory, which already seemed compromised, failed me altogether.
Now, I have been back at work at my day job. I’m definitely better, but I have a long way to go. I am still tired (the level of exhaustion runs layers deep), have achy bones, neuropathy, vision issues, and healing pains. I have been waiting for the writer in me to rise up and write. And, then it occurs to me, maybe I just need to do it!
Sometimes it seems as though nothing has changed. Truth is, everything has changed. I had cancer. That means, I could get it again. Which means, it will always be in the back of my head. Or, it seems that way now. I have completely changed my diet. A change that has been needing to happen. A change that I am thrilled happened. I look and feel so much better. I am certain my diet changes contributed to my recovery. They have also inspired those around me.
I hear things differently now. Whenever I hear about someone dying of breast cancer or complications from, I say a quick thanks and then wonder – how can I use this information to keep me healthy? Which I think we all know, is impossible. It’s just my neverending need for control that makes that happen. Which is weird, because one of the things I learned during this ordeal is that I have very little control over what happens. I can only control my response. But, still. That need to control is deep. But, it was only when I relinquished control that I found some peace during my treatment.
Things don’t bother me in the ways they used to. I am more looking for solutions now than reasons to be indignant. Not sure why it took me so long to do that. But, it did. What a bitch I was before. How on earth do I have any friends?
Physically, I have changed. I have always desired the ease of a pixie cut. When your hair falls out and grows back in – that is what you get. A sassy pixie cut. The weirdest thing? I love it. I never thought I could do it – but, I am rocking it now. I may never have long hair again. You should see me. I have discovered a new look. Flowy tops to hide the fact that I only have one boob, big earrings to add femininity. Short, gamine white hair. I see people I haven’t seen in a while and some of them don’t recognize me. In a good way.
Cancer wasn’t a gift. It sucked. I understand now why people stop treatment in the middle or refuse to treat again. For some it is a horrible ordeal. For me, it wasn’t that bad. But, it still sucked. It took 9 months of my life and continues to suck on me like a parasite. However, so many gifts came out of this for me. It is funny. But, having cancer has brought me some peace. A lot of peace, actually. There is peace in understanding you can’t control. In knowing there are ways to improve unfortunate situations. In knowing that you can change and grow, no matter what the situation. Mortality is staring me in the face. A wake up call to get moving and do the things I want to do. Achieve the goals I want to achieve. Have the relationships I want to have. I have a lot left to do.