The Crashing Universe

The Universe (or God…..whatever…blog for another day) is an amazing place sometimes. All the time, really.  I am struck with awe occasionally when things collide providing symmetry to set me straight.

As you may know, I have a short term writing goal… public platform, build website and blog, publish the rest of the Hard Compliance series.  I have given myself a year off of job hunting for a new job to pursue this “writing thing.”  I want to see if this fun that I am having will ever buy me a beach house, allow me to quit my job to write f/t, pay for the beautiful Mac I write on….or…..even just a dinner out.  The only way to find out….do it. So that is what I am doing.

In this pursuit….my life has changed. A lot. (see…I don’t always swear….I could have said “a shit-ton” there) it has improved in every single way.  I don’t even hate the job I have as much as I did before I set this goal. I am happier than I have ever been. I am letting go of baggage and weight like I am living in reverse… it never even happened.  I feel so free I almost want to get one of those cheesy butterfly tattoos I have always mocked. I have never been so joyous……I totally understand the butterfly tattoo now. Anyway……I had one big WORRY left…..retirement and how to fund it. Or in  my case… until the day I die drinking cheap wine.

But, a funny thing happened…..I got so good at getting out of my box that I came up with a new retirement plan. I still want to live on the beach. But, if I can’t afford the beach house…I can afford a trailer and truck. I can sell my house, maybe buy a smaller investment property and live on the road. I could expound….but, another blog I think.

I have gotten pretty serious about completing my writing goal especially now that I may have a viable option for retirement.  Soon.  5 years. Well…you never get anywhere if you don’t set a goal.  Funny thing, as I tell people about my plan…..they don’t listen or ask questions (which is really my whole problem in life anyway) they just immediately start to tell me why this is a bad idea…and they always inevitably ask…what will I do when I’m 80?…Dunno….rest home? Live with a kid? Friend? Drive the car and trailer off a cliff like Thelma and Louise?…For someone who is still excited that she got to stand on a corner in Winslow, Az….might be perfect end.

So….(I’m getting there…promise)……last night a close friend came over. Looking back, I see she was not in a great mood. We had wine. A lot of wine. After she shit all over my retirement plan…..and it is so good and so well thought out…..she said, “your writing is never going to get you anywhere….” at the top of her lungs. While she was flinging wine across the room with her wildly gesturing arms…..okay…I made the last 2 up….but, it is how I still see it in my head.   I was stunned.

When I woke up this morning….I talked myself down….I know my dream may seem weird and unattainable to some. Their futures look different than mine. They have husbands. 2 incomes. Retirement plans. I don’t want to work until I die…..  I know also that most people are so entrenched in their boxes….that they think things have to be done a certain way. (WHY?  WHY? I say.  Another blog.)

I started to read “Happier Than a Billionaire”… me hope for my plan. I was feeling pretty good about my self-talk but, there was some lingering doubt about whether or not I had any chance……(she was so loud and seemed so sure….or, that is what I heard.)

So…..thanks for waiting…..I am almost to my point……

I am cleaning the “desktop” of my laptop….I’m old… is where I used to put stuff so I could “find” it again. I’m no longer that technologically impaired…but, the habit dies hard, I guess.  I see a doc that I do not recall.  I start reading it.  It is hazy in my head. I’m thinking….wow…..this is pretty good. I discover that I wrote a fantastic hook in it. Title of next book probably. It is really good.

I checked to see the date I wrote it…  Hmmm….I immediately went to “how late did you stay up drinking and writing last night that you don’t remember? Maybe you do have a drinking problem”……I check the year…….2016.  Today’s date. A year ago.  I checked the time….just for fun…..0123456…..each used once. Book 6 is the only book published.

That was a huge crash in my universe….A huge grin erupted on my face…..I am on the write/right path. Who knows where I will end up….but, I am going the write/right way. And, I am thankful for my friend.  She kicked my butt in gear and accelerated my plan.  I will get to my goal sooner.  And, it will be sweeter……she isn’t the only one not impressed by my new career or retirement plan. Now……what to do if she wants to stay at the beach house?

Is This What I have Become?

So…it happened today. I was writing a blog post….a simple, funny story about paper towels. About paper towels in the bathroom. At work. The post was G rated in content, R rated in language……until….I had reached the build up (look… is happening again…used “build up” instead of something less sexual) and was ready to deliver the punch line. And, instead of a funny story…..thoughts of sex and nakedness and spanking and punishment started to wander into my mind and onto my pages.

Aaaahhhhh.  I am an average woman with a private Catholic school background and a mostly vanilla history. My “foray” into writing erotica was a fluke. A complete accident. I didn’t set out to write or even publish it. And, now……now……that is all I can write? Not sure if that makes me laugh or, or….okay….laugh is my only reaction. Because this is the most preposterous thing….EVER!!!!

Until about 10 years ago….I didn’t enjoy the sex written in books. Most of what I read had short, boring scenes that usually started and ended with “and the lights went out.” I sped through those passages like it was an Olympic event. And, that is if they had sex scenes at all. I fast forwarded most sex scenes when I was watching a movie. I didn’t watch porn. I have always felt that whatever was done between 2 (or more) adults was up to them. I don’t care. I don’t judge. And I really don’t want to know.  When I was younger, a friend of mine returned from a safari trip. Her dog sitter had left one of her personal sex toys behind.  Where did my friend find it? I don’t know. What kind of toy was it? I don’t know. What color was it? I don’t know. What did my friend do with it? I don’t know. Do you know why I don’t know? Because recalling the story as she told it to me made me blush for years. I never asked. I don’t know and I didn’t want to know. And then a lot of random stuff happened. Each and every occurrence dancing me one step closer to Erotica Writer Extraordinaire…….  And, now…..well, you know…..I want to know where she found it; what it was; how she gave it back…….

So….here I am…..erotica ebook publisher and blogger of sex. How did this happen? When did it happen? And how long is this conversation going to bring giggles to my lips? One thing led to another. Tiny little steps or circumstances that gave no indication of where the path would wind to. And, at the time, the path had no direction. There was no “goal”. It was just life. Get a divorce. Get a job. Get another job. Write a love letter. Write a story. Write a book. Because you are having a little dry spell, write about sex. And, the rest is just a slippery slope of being open to new experiences and new opportunities.

It is true that with age comes wisdom….well, it is for me.  I know now that you should just “do” stuff. Try it. If you like it, do it again.  If you don’t, stop doing it. But, it is in the learning of new things or the path less traveled or the “open attitude” that brings the greatest enjoyment. Every experience, every conversation, every decision shapes you and challenges you to change with it. I have been embracing every single opportunity for a few years now. I no longer cringe at the thought of change. Now, I run towards it. I have become a happier, more fulfilled, more joyous, more content, more enthusiastic liver of life than I ever was.  And, that is fucking fantastic.

Today, though, I had to pause. Have I become a part of this world that I am teasing at the edges of? I don’t mind the writing or publishing of what could be called pornographic material. But, I never wanted to become part of the “business”. Is that what I am now? Part of the business? My younger, reluctant to change self, would have spent the next several days agonizing. Wise, experienced Bianca says…….FUCK IT. Don’t waste the worry. You are not going to become someone your children won’t recognize. I have been though some life and know that I will do only what makes sense to me. I am aware I don’t want to degenerate. So, I won’t. Simple as that.

If I had any lingering doubt, I put it out with this…….who am I? What have I become?  “I have become a happier, more fulfilled, more joyous, more content, more enthusiastic liver of life than I ever was.  And, that is fucking fantastic. ”

Fuck yeah it is.

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