I Had Goals and a Plan

I would have said that I am the least likely among my friends to be writing erotica.  I probably did say it in one of my earlier blogs. Here are some of the reasons why: I thinks sex is private and intimate. I don’t care what you do and I don’t want to hear about it…..and I am not going to tell you what I do. My “number” is way lower than some of my friends.  To be fair….it is way higher than some of my friends.  I can name 5 of my friends off the top of my head that married their first partner. So, my “higher number” doesn’t have to go that far. I didn’t read or watch much “porn”. It was never really my thing. 

Always being an avid reader, romance books were my passion in high school. Danielle Steel was really my first love. Everything I liked to read, did not have sex. And, if there was “sex”, it wasn’t explicit. It was more…..”and the lights went out” or, “and they made mad, passionate love.” I skipped the sex scenes when watching movies at home….explicit or no. Well…..except for the sex scene in Mobsters where I fell in love with Christian Slater. I wasn’t embarrassed, really. It is just private. As for watching porn….I have seen it….but, it never did much for me. And, I did blush more in the first few months of telling people what I was writing than I had in my entire life.

I spent 12 years in Catholic schools (I know what some of you are thinking…..’going to Catholic schools is a prerequisite for writing porn’….)  I almost have a post-graduate degree. I go to church. I have a fantastic relationship with my dad. I am well adjusted (debatable…later). The fact that I was writing porn made me laugh and it made some of my friends laugh.   

Recently, my friend’s daughter posted a picture on FB of her surrounded by cops (it is a long and funny story….really). After all of the usual comments…I replied…..”I used to want to get arrested.”  And, in a rush……memories came flooding back.

I was reminded of my “goals” when I was in my early 20’s:

  1. Get arrested
  2. Get in Easyriders magazine
  3. Be in a Motley Crue music video

All of these designed to achieve my “Big Long Term Goal”…..marry Nikki Sixx. I had our wedding planned and everything……white leather mini dress and all. I had the band picked out. The cake. And, that white leather wedding dress.  I couldn’t decide between white pumps (it was the late 80’s after all) or white biker boots. The struggle was real.

So, of course, this made me think.  Hmmmm.  Erotica author seems like it could be the real “Big Term Life Goal” or……#4 at the very least.

Smiling, I think: I am the only girl I know who has been to a strip club…and, not the “Thunder Down Under” kind (do yourself a favor and click on that..it is a beautiful abfest).  And then there is that whole, “My Grandma Was a Stripper” thing. (I know, I know….that blog is coming soon….she was a stripper in the 40’s!)

I had a plan. I had a good plan. Every once in a while I look around at my life and wonder, “when did everything go so horribly wrong? I was supposed to marry Nikki Sixx.” I think we all know Nikki and I were never married. We didn’t even date. Okay……he doesn’t even know I exist. And, was I serious in those pursuits?  Not really…..but, it was sure fun to tell people. Except my parents…..they were NOT amused. But, they never had to bail me out of jail.

His Penis had Abs!

I wish I could say I wrote that.  I think I was always sort of thinking it in my head.  It sounds so familiar. When I heard it…..well…..it got to be the title of my blog. And….isn’t it fantastic? It is another perfect line uttered by my favorite character on Grace and Frankie. And, yes, I know that this is my 3rd or 4th blog about Grace and Frankie…..sue me. Yes, I go trolling around the web looking for G and F news.  I will admit…..I’m obsessed.  Ok…not really….but, these two characters totally resonate with me. I am not their age….but, I just skidded over 50 and am feeling and seeing some of the fun shit that goes along with aging.  I am not a fan.  And, I laugh about it with my friends….if I can remember it, I write about it…..you get the picture.

Netflix has announced that there will be a season 4.  I have already watched season 3……twice. It can’t get here fast enough. I am elated. I know the main characters aren’t getting any younger…..but, I think I am not the only fan! I love the characters on the show. Some of the story lines don’t excite me…..but, the vibrators for older women story is beautiful in so many ways.

I think I love this show mostly for the way these older people still have vibrant, fulfilling lives. Hope for my future, I suppose. As I am finding out that my childhood was a big fat lie (in many ways, but mostly adulthood did not turn out like I pictured it back then)….it is good to know that there is still a lot of life in my life.

And, apparently, I am going to continue my ongoing “journey” of age and discovery. And, I am going to share it with you fine people. Lucky you. I don’t really know why this is my ongoing theme lately.  Maybe that skid over 50 left more road rash than I thought. I can’t help thinking (all of the fucking time……) how in the hell did I get here?  The cool thing for me though, is that I have never been so sure of my direction or so happy. It makes wrestling with being “over the hill” much more entertaining. And fun.

Before I go, you should know the writers did not disappoint. They had another great season with perfect, perfect lines. “His penis had abs,” might be my favorite line so far. Here are more terrific lines from Season #3:

Get your fucking mother over here.

Fuck me in the eye.

You’re my brother. I’m glad mom bought you.

Would one of you geezers get me off the fucking floor?

Brianna taught me some pot words.

I miss your stupid mom, she’s my ride or die bitch.

She was rambling….like a prison letter.

My dummy exploded.

Your mother’s gun is named Louise?

I’m too stoned to play this game…what are you saying?

Thanks for reading. Have a terrific day. And, no….I do not get paid by Netflix…..but, I am not opposed.