Month: March 2017

Vibrator, Anyone?

Today at work, we were discussing an episode of Grace & Frankie from Netflix.  I am a fan of the show (as you all know) and Grace (played perfectly by Jane Fonda) was discussing vibrators and how they affect her arthritis. Seriously….if you know anyone associated with the show….let me know. This is an amazingly fantastic idea (sex toys for people with arthritis or other issues) and I want in.  Or at least in the focus group.

Anyway, one of the people I work with mentioned that vibrator use can desensitize your clitoris. What? I replied.  She said it was true, she read an article.  I said, “I completely disagree. Your sex parts (like anything else) atrophy when not used.  When used they become stronger and better. I said that vibrator use actually does the opposite…..you become even more adept at having better (stronger, longer) orgasms in shorter periods of time….and, then there is that multiple thing.” And, I just made that up on the spot. (everything I write is about sex…spot…really?) I didn’t tell her that, but she did not look convinced. She works with me. She knows I open my mouth and stuff comes out. Doesn’t make it right, good, or even true.

Sounded like a great topic for me to blog about. And, when I blog….I occasionally do research. I googled “do vibrators desensitize.” And, yes….I did it at work.  The IT guys LOVE me!

1st article…. http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/can-masturbation-or-using-sex-toy-desensitize-clitoris-and-would-my-partner Columbia U and “goaskalice”?  I am not kidding……Go Ask Alice…..according to WIKI (we all know how reliable that is) is a 1971 fiction book about a teenage girl who develops a drug habit at age 15, runs away from home, and eventually dies of a drug overdose.  But, I think we all know the song better….and that is probably where the book title came from anyway……..White Rabbit (Grace Slick was their singer AND….the “Rabbit” is a well known vibrator design…sometimes the universe is a very interesting place. Or…it could be my brain is an interesting place….)

#2 – https://www.dailydot.com/irl/vibrators-genital-sensitivity/   This article states, “ Vibrator users also tended to be younger, better educated, and more sexually and ethnically diverse than women who had never used vibrators.” It also agreed with me…..not sure I need to comment more.

#3 – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201102/vibrators-myths-vs-truth This article did a great job of separating myth from truth…..and it agreed with me too.  

The lone dissentor – http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/do-vibrators-ruin-sex really just clarifies. You can read it….but, basically……if you have been “vibing” for an hour……well hell…..your clit is lit….it will need a break….I mean…..c’mon.  Common sense.

White Rabbit? I really can work a song into everything…….I should have written for Rolling Stone…..but, that is another blog.  

Don’t Be Dumber than Fuck

 

Season 3 of Grace and Frankie will be on Netflix this week.  I am so thrilled.  It stars Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin….2 women I have loved watching perform for a long time.  Jane never disappoints and I will always tune in if Lily is around….ever since she was Edith Ann I have been a fan.  This show is about 2 women whose husbands – interesting characters well-played by Martin Sheen and Sam Waterston – are best friends and business partners. The families have been together for years…..life long friends.  And, then…….the husbands leave the wives (I’m leaving stuff out here…..avoiding spoilers). As a recently divorced person…I tuned in. And, I am oh so glad I did……I love this show.  

Also…Sam Elliott makes a few appearances…..who doesn’t love that? I mean, c’mon, Ladies….this man is IT! (if you haven’t already…you might tune in to The Ranch with Sam, Ashton Kutcher, Debra Winger, and Danny Masterson.)

There are 4 adult children in the mix. There is the “perfect” one, played by Brooklyn Decker – I expect her “perfection” might blow up later. The “out of control” one – played by June Diane Raphael. She is the least likable character…..but, absolutely my favorite – she vibrates with appeal. Ethan Embry plays the “fuck-up” – he is in recovery and sleeping on his brother’s couch. He is sweet and funny and as the “story” unfolds you can see the many reasons why he self medicates.  The brother with the “couch” is played by Baron Vaughn. He is supposed the be the “normal one” – I think we all know how that works out.

Jane Fonda’s character is rigidly straight laced and looks like Neiman Marcus (or, Needless Markup for the cool kids)  threw up on her….if you know what I mean. Lily’s character is a little more hippy-dippy. Pot smoking, peyote questing, and not bogged down by the opinions of others. She goes her own way. Together they adapt and grow from the changes happening so late in their lives. The show is beautifully acted and presented.  But, the writers…oh, the writers.  These are some of my favorite lines:

My suggestion is don’t be dumber than fuck.

It’s microwaved chicken for 1 at 4:30..it’s not dinner……it’s an edible suicide note.

This is the worst party I have ever been to, and I was at Jonestown.

I lost both my virginities in that house.

This is where I had my first knife fight.

It was an ambien break-up.

Are you suing him for his love?

That’s the fuck-up? That’s fucked up.

Don’t confuse me with facts.

Be the bossy hamster with a drinking problem.

And truly one of the best oopsie text scenes ever……

“It’s called being human”…reply……”it’s called being a pussy.”

The show revolves around relationships, old and new. It might be difficult for some to have any sympathy for these characters due to their financial situations…..the divorced women live in a huge beach house in what looks to be Malibu and have no shortage of money to spend. For the rest of us, we know that divorce sucks….for a million reasons….only one of them being money.

When you add all of this up, add a cover of a FANTASTIC Steeler’s Wheel song, and an equally good soundtrack……Grace and Frankie are definitely worth a look. If you don’t tune in….remember this: Don’t be “dumber than fuck.”

 

Sex, Drugs, and Orgasms

Some of my blogs write themselves.  “Obviously,“ some of you are saying. This is one of them. There is a new strain of cannabis.  For those of you who do not know…..there are many types or “strains” of pot. The different strains help with different things: pain, sleep, anxiety, stress, mood, etc.  I think I can safely say that what you ingest at one person’s house can be completely different at somebody else’s house. Or, whatever…you know what I mean. All pot is not created equally.

There is a strain of pot that is said to have aphrodisiac qualities. Actually…..it was specifically engineered and grown to make women orgasm.  Who doesn’t need more of those? It is called “Sexxpot.”  Sexxpot.  Think about that for a minute. Hilarious on so many levels.  Whoever named that is a marketing genius.  Actually….a lot of the pot names are funny……but, Sexxpot?  Fucking hilarious is what that is. Who says stoned people are stupid?

I am going to suspend my disbelief about this strain’s abilities and go with it.  Pot that makes you orgasm.  More orgasms? Longer orgasms? Better orgasms?  I do not know. If I smoke (or whatever) it, will I have an orgasm or many? Will I have to have sex for that or is the orgasm spontaneous?  If they are spontaneous….do they just come (haha) at random? I am temporarily without a man…..can I smoke a bowl of this and be “happy?” How many times? Because that would be FANTASTIC……that would change the world! I knew I should have opened a medical marijuana dispensary.

I like that this is only for women…again….good marketing. I have been lamenting for years that everything is for guys. There is Viagra for men…there are no drugs for women to help them out. Which is stupid because stereotypes say “men always want sex” and “women take longer to get ready and aren’t always in the mood.” Really stupid. Until recently all medications were based on men…their symptoms, their physiology, etc. It is only a few years back when they decided that women have different heart attack symptoms than men. Men’s clothes are less expensive, their shoes made better. Don’t even get me started on birth control……  So….something for women that helps them in the sex area…..I love it! And, it is natural and has other benefits. AWESOME!!!!  

It has been a long time since pot was part of my life. Now, it is just something I smell at concerts. Back then…..There is only one person I would have smoked and slept with…..he would get me stoned and then leave. But, I was stoned, I wasn’t sad about it. Time to do some research.

Some people highly recommend smoking any strain and having sex.  They say it is just better, more, better….but, they stop short at claiming they had orgasms or had better orgasms. I asked my one friend who drinks more and does more drugs than any other. You should know that most of my friends stopped doing drugs after college.  Definitely after kids. So, to say she does more…doesn’t mean she is anywhere close to resembling an addict…..a social abuser might be closer to the mark.  We were headed out one night. I said, I have a headache…..she said….take this. What is that?  Molly.  WTF….but I digress.  She says she feels too self conscious when she has sex stoned.  Maybe the paranoia kicks in?  

Mostly though….I love the name. Sexxpot. It might be better than the bar my friend and I talk about opening…..Luscious.  Don’t worry….you will figure that out. If not…you know where to find me.

Dream On

I like dreaming. Awake or asleep…I like dreaming.  I used to have a recurring dream about this scary, scary bridge……it was very long…went for miles and it was straight up….couldn’t see the other part of the bridge…..because you know…a dream.  Every time I had the dream, I would look at this bridge from the bottom. I would see spaces in the concrete where you could see under.  It was a million miles down to the ocean. The bridge went up for miles and on for miles. (Stay with me…..I am going somewhere….) It scared me shitless to think about going “over” it.  I would sweat and panic.

In the dream, I always had to stop to prepare. Tell myself I had been over it before, lots of people were doing it…..get over the fear…blah, blah. For a long time I gave myself a hard time about the fear…in the dream. I mean if I could be “anything” in my own dream…why am I a fraidy cat?  I realized today that I have not had that dream in quite some time.  It has been a long time since my life was in chaos and required big girl panties. I drew the connection between my chaotic life and the bridge and stress.  So obvious.   

While I was remembering, something occurred to me….even in the dream I crossed that bridge.  I stopped. Waited. Looked for other ways. Talked myself into it.  Took a deep breath and did it.  It scared me to pieces every time. But, I did it. Each and every time, I grew some courage and I did it. Looking back, that is how I calmed the scary chaos that was my life too…..I just did it.

I don’t need a degree in dream interpretation to explain that to anyone.  However, I am looking at the dream in a different way now. I wasn’t full of fear.  I was courageous and strong. In the dream, there was the ocean and beach under the bridge. As opposed to lava, scary monsters….you get the idea. The beach is my favorite place.  Even in my terrifying dream…I gave myself a soft place to fall….the beach.

We are stronger than we realize. We have courage we are unaware of. We can do anything we want.

I still dream about the beach and the beach house I am going to buy. They are beautiful. No bridges. 

Other songs about dreaming that I like: 1956 (did they make music back then?) 1970 (one of my favorite groups) 1973 (I have a photo of me and Steven Tyler) 1975 1977 1983 1985. I could do more….but, you are already bored.

Golden Showers? Golden Slumbers?

Gwyneth Paltrow has said a lot of memorable things in the time she has been a celeb. She has gotten so good at saying memorable things that she started a blog. She calls it goop. I will be honest and say I haven’t spent much time on this particular blog.  I will also say that there have been times in the last 20 years or so that Gwyneth would say something that resonated with me.  Not very many times. But, there were times.  If pushed, I would say that I like her. I would like to know her. But, I am not sure how much we have in common.

Imagine my amusement when I came across the following headline: “No, Gwyneth Paltrow, women should not put jade eggs in their vaginas, gynecologist says”    I am always looking for things to blog about. Especially sex things. And, things sexually related that might be “news” to some of my friends and readers. If I can make jokes or make people laugh in the process…..count me in. Before I write about stuff, I try to do at least a little research, so I read the article.  Then, I looked over her blog.  Apparently there are lots of really good reasons (according to Gwyneth) and some really not good reasons (according to others) to insert jade eggs into your vagina. And…..some similar reasons to squat over a pot of steam….naked.  If you are interested….check out both articles.

First I want to share my initial reactions…..WHAT? WHAT?  JUST……WHAT?  RUFKM? VAGINAL STEAMING? WHAT? There were so many places to go with this….why? When? How? Where? Who thinks up this shit? Not enough words. Too many words. In my “new life” I have tried many new things. I figure…what the hell? And, then, I try to bring my friends to the table.  That doesn’t work so well. Mostly…..when I share some stuff…I really get a giggle out of their reactions. I cannot wait to discuss “vaginal steaming” with the crowd that thinks bikini area waxing and shaping should be done quarterly…..if at all.

And…here is my Whoopi Goldberg turn……is this stuff I never wanted to know? Was I happy in my “stupid, ignorant, sheltered married bubble”? Yes. Yes, I was. And, yet….I am so much happier than I was.  I am pretty sure it isn’t because I know all about “vaginal steaming”…..But, I am learning new things.  I am exploring new options.  I am feeling very strong in my voice. And, my path. Which, at this time, does not include vaginal steaming.

Two more things…….I recently received an email from ok cupid….a free dating website…it was asking what I thought the biggest dating deal breaker was.  Apparently, people would rather date someone who likes “golden showers” more than they would date Trump supporters. Again….so many words. Not enough words. WHAT? Why and on what planet does anyone think it is okay sending an email to anyone talking about golden showers? Seriously?  I know I fucking write porn….I don’t care. You know what you get when you buy my books or read my blog.  I am a potty-mouthed writer.  But, I join a free dating website and I get this crap?  Is that someone’s way of pushing me to do things that I might find uncomfortable or are they desensitizing me? Are they just assholes that think that shit is funny? Would anybody ever send an email to any married person about how to save their marriage by participating in golden showers.  FUCK NO!!!! Golden Slumbers.…for no reason except that I can’t get that song out of my head.

#2. On a side note…..I heard today that there is a new word for vagina…..vagine. Pronounced “vuhjeen”….you know. It’s French. Like Tarjaayyy…the french discount store.