I Had Goals and a Plan

I would have said that I am the least likely among my friends to be writing erotica.  I probably did say it in one of my earlier blogs. Here are some of the reasons why: I thinks sex is private and intimate. I don’t care what you do and I don’t want to hear about it…..and I am not going to tell you what I do. My “number” is way lower than some of my friends.  To be fair….it is way higher than some of my friends.  I can name 5 of my friends off the top of my head that married their first partner. So, my “higher number” doesn’t have to go that far. I didn’t read or watch much “porn”. It was never really my thing. 

Always being an avid reader, romance books were my passion in high school. Danielle Steel was really my first love. Everything I liked to read, did not have sex. And, if there was “sex”, it wasn’t explicit. It was more…..”and the lights went out” or, “and they made mad, passionate love.” I skipped the sex scenes when watching movies at home….explicit or no. Well…..except for the sex scene in Mobsters where I fell in love with Christian Slater. I wasn’t embarrassed, really. It is just private. As for watching porn….I have seen it….but, it never did much for me. And, I did blush more in the first few months of telling people what I was writing than I had in my entire life.

I spent 12 years in Catholic schools (I know what some of you are thinking…..’going to Catholic schools is a prerequisite for writing porn’….)  I almost have a post-graduate degree. I go to church. I have a fantastic relationship with my dad. I am well adjusted (debatable…later). The fact that I was writing porn made me laugh and it made some of my friends laugh.   

Recently, my friend’s daughter posted a picture on FB of her surrounded by cops (it is a long and funny story….really). After all of the usual comments…I replied…..”I used to want to get arrested.”  And, in a rush……memories came flooding back.

I was reminded of my “goals” when I was in my early 20’s:

  1. Get arrested
  2. Get in Easyriders magazine
  3. Be in a Motley Crue music video

All of these designed to achieve my “Big Long Term Goal”…..marry Nikki Sixx. I had our wedding planned and everything……white leather mini dress and all. I had the band picked out. The cake. And, that white leather wedding dress.  I couldn’t decide between white pumps (it was the late 80’s after all) or white biker boots. The struggle was real.

So, of course, this made me think.  Hmmmm.  Erotica author seems like it could be the real “Big Term Life Goal” or……#4 at the very least.

Smiling, I think: I am the only girl I know who has been to a strip club…and, not the “Thunder Down Under” kind (do yourself a favor and click on that..it is a beautiful abfest).  And then there is that whole, “My Grandma Was a Stripper” thing. (I know, I know….that blog is coming soon….she was a stripper in the 40’s!)

I had a plan. I had a good plan. Every once in a while I look around at my life and wonder, “when did everything go so horribly wrong? I was supposed to marry Nikki Sixx.” I think we all know Nikki and I were never married. We didn’t even date. Okay……he doesn’t even know I exist. And, was I serious in those pursuits?  Not really…..but, it was sure fun to tell people. Except my parents…..they were NOT amused. But, they never had to bail me out of jail.

Is This What I have Become?

So…it happened today. I was writing a blog post….a simple, funny story about paper towels. About paper towels in the bathroom. At work. The post was G rated in content, R rated in language……until….I had reached the build up (look…..it is happening again…used “build up” instead of something less sexual) and was ready to deliver the punch line. And, instead of a funny story…..thoughts of sex and nakedness and spanking and punishment started to wander into my mind and onto my pages.

Aaaahhhhh.  I am an average woman with a private Catholic school background and a mostly vanilla history. My “foray” into writing erotica was a fluke. A complete accident. I didn’t set out to write or even publish it. And, now……now……that is all I can write? Not sure if that makes me laugh or, or….okay….laugh is my only reaction. Because this is the most preposterous thing….EVER!!!!

Until about 10 years ago….I didn’t enjoy the sex written in books. Most of what I read had short, boring scenes that usually started and ended with “and the lights went out.” I sped through those passages like it was an Olympic event. And, that is if they had sex scenes at all. I fast forwarded most sex scenes when I was watching a movie. I didn’t watch porn. I have always felt that whatever was done between 2 (or more) adults was up to them. I don’t care. I don’t judge. And I really don’t want to know.  When I was younger, a friend of mine returned from a safari trip. Her dog sitter had left one of her personal sex toys behind.  Where did my friend find it? I don’t know. What kind of toy was it? I don’t know. What color was it? I don’t know. What did my friend do with it? I don’t know. Do you know why I don’t know? Because recalling the story as she told it to me made me blush for years. I never asked. I don’t know and I didn’t want to know. And then a lot of random stuff happened. Each and every occurrence dancing me one step closer to Erotica Writer Extraordinaire…….  And, now…..well, you know…..I want to know where she found it; what it was; how she gave it back…….

So….here I am…..erotica ebook publisher and blogger of sex. How did this happen? When did it happen? And how long is this conversation going to bring giggles to my lips? One thing led to another. Tiny little steps or circumstances that gave no indication of where the path would wind to. And, at the time, the path had no direction. There was no “goal”. It was just life. Get a divorce. Get a job. Get another job. Write a love letter. Write a story. Write a book. Because you are having a little dry spell, write about sex. And, the rest is just a slippery slope of being open to new experiences and new opportunities.

It is true that with age comes wisdom….well, it is for me.  I know now that you should just “do” stuff. Try it. If you like it, do it again.  If you don’t, stop doing it. But, it is in the learning of new things or the path less traveled or the “open attitude” that brings the greatest enjoyment. Every experience, every conversation, every decision shapes you and challenges you to change with it. I have been embracing every single opportunity for a few years now. I no longer cringe at the thought of change. Now, I run towards it. I have become a happier, more fulfilled, more joyous, more content, more enthusiastic liver of life than I ever was.  And, that is fucking fantastic.

Today, though, I had to pause. Have I become a part of this world that I am teasing at the edges of? I don’t mind the writing or publishing of what could be called pornographic material. But, I never wanted to become part of the “business”. Is that what I am now? Part of the business? My younger, reluctant to change self, would have spent the next several days agonizing. Wise, experienced Bianca says…….FUCK IT. Don’t waste the worry. You are not going to become someone your children won’t recognize. I have been though some life and know that I will do only what makes sense to me. I am aware I don’t want to degenerate. So, I won’t. Simple as that.

If I had any lingering doubt, I put it out with this…….who am I? What have I become?  “I have become a happier, more fulfilled, more joyous, more content, more enthusiastic liver of life than I ever was.  And, that is fucking fantastic. ”

Fuck yeah it is.

Check out this sexy read

How Did I Get Here?

My friend and I were discussing a book she is currently reading. The book describes how we need to determine our true purpose or reach our dreams. It discusses how if you look at all of the “strings” that have been provided in your life, and are able to weave them together, you will discover your true purpose and achieve your goals. Interesting premise. I looked for the book on Amazon and discovered it was a religious book about our purpose through God. I am not sure that God (if there is one) wants me to be successful by writing porn stories…..but, it did get me thinking. How exactly did I get here?

I have always wanted to write a book. But, doesn’t everyone? I also wanted to be a dancer……but, I never took a dance class after 2nd Grade. I have spent my fair share of time on dance floors in bars, however. I had taken a lot of writing courses over the years….but, never pursued that either. I didn’t have a story. I read a lot and wished for inspiration, but it never came.

Fast forward through jobs and marriage and kids and being a stay at home mom.  I never felt like I had a “goal”, I was just living every day as it arrived. And, as a stay at home mom, I was too tired to read, much less write. So, kids got older, husband moved on and I was starting over. The divorce was ugly and I was under pressure to get a job immediately.  So, I did. It was a decent job and it was a job, but it did not pay well.  So, I got another job. It paid better but, was not what I wanted to do. Which was okay. Not everyone loves their job. So, I looked for other jobs.  

In the meantime, this 2nd job provided a laptop for me to use and take home if I wanted. I did that too. Spent a lot of time on Pinterest and FB, but that became boring quickly. I had also rekindled an old friendship online. While it was mostly innocent (really, no flirting, no sexting, no secret rendezvous) on both of our parts, it became a source of frustration for me. I had fallen in love with him the day we met. And, my feelings hadn’t really changed. He was married at the time. I have woven the pieces of our story into my books and I am not going to elaborate here, but I decided I needed to address the frustration I was having. I figured if I wrote our love story, I could get over it and move on. And, I had this handy laptop.

So, write I did. Whenever I had free time. Since I was sharing custody and was not seeing anyone, I had a LOT of free time. Plus, writing was cheap….I could afford it. My “love story” quickly turned into something else. I had so much fun writing about us, I got to thinking about everyone whom has “one that got away” and wouldn’t it be fun to explore the possibilities of that? I wrote and wrote and wrote. For about a year. Hundreds of pages. And, somewhere between the first word and now, the characters stopped resembling me and him and their activities changed….a LOT.

I had purchased some of these online stories myself. I thought I had a different voice to add. And I had all of these filled pages.  I started to research publishers and self publishing sites. Soon, what had filled up my free time started to spillover into my not so “free” time. I would back-burner my plans. Then I started to loathe my job and ramped up my job hunting. That also takes a ton of time.  When 2 jobs that I really wanted did not become mine, I started to think again. What did I really want? I wanted a job with some flexibility that paid enough to meet my bills and feed my kids. I wanted weekends off. I wanted to work ½ a day if I needed to. I wanted to work the hours I wanted to work. I am sure you can see where this is going. I always wanted to be a writer. I had written a lot of stuff. I wanted to be my own boss.  I took the plans to publish off the back burner and pushed forward.

I am not sure where this is going to lead. And I haven’t quit my day job yet. But, I do know, when I look back to where I have been…and where I started….this adventure will have lead me to the next place I need to be in my life. For years I seemed to be just going along for the ride. For the first time in a long time, I am finally driving the bus. It feels good. It is fun and exciting and interesting. And, I am going to enjoy every single step. Because, I am successful already before I sell the first book. I will keep you posted.

Check out this sexy read….

What Am I Doing?

Publishing your first book is a fantastic and ridiculous experience. It requires more than just a good idea for a story. Much more. If you have written something that you think is worth publishing, you have to decide: self publish or not. I chose to self publish. So, all of the decisions were mine. Also fantastic and ridiculous. Something that started on a whim (a blog for another day) is now requiring some serious thought and research. Where do I publish? How long should my “story” be? Should I put all of my stories together and make a book? Should I structure it as a series instead? How much should I charge for it? Where and how to publish? How many times should I edit/update? Who should read it? Should someone read it? What should I name the characters? Should I use a pseudonym? What will my pseudonym be? Who do I tell? What if they want to read it? Is it good enough to publish? Will anyone like it? Read it? Buy it? And on and on until I am a freaked out mess. (If you haven’t figured it out by now, I have a tendency to obsess and over think some things. Not all things, just some things.)

While trying to nail down the answers to these questions (and many more) I also had to figure out a name and think about the cover. Fortunately for me, I had a graphic artist friend (see her info) willing to do the artwork for free. So, I phoned her with my name dilemma.  I told her the name I had picked out, “Dreams and Fantasies” which she thought was too literal. Dang. She suggested “Deep Surrender” or “Dark Ecstasy”, which I loved but a quick search told me they were already books. Then we started getting silly: “Lick Me” (already taken numerous times); “Fuck Me Cross-Eyed” which lead to “Fuck Each Other Stupid” (a line from one of my books, actually); “Hard Surrender”; “Dark Hardness”; and “Hard Darkness”, to name a few. It was funny and we were laughing, but I still hadn’t picked out a name.

I started to research how important a good title was. Maybe I could just pick anything. Concensus was that the title was VERY IMPORTANT! Great! More anxiety. Somehow in all that searching, I found a link to Lulu.com . An online publisher that had a “title grader” on it.  Fabulous. I just answered a few questions, typed in the name and Lulu provided me with a percentage score on whether or not the book would be a best seller. I entered every name we had come up with and received the scores of 16%, 27%, and 32%. Bummer. I wanted to sell my books, turn lots of people on, and quit my day job. Even 32% wasn’t good enough for those lofty goals. And, then I typed in “Dark Compliance”…..score of 69%!  I think we have a winner here.  Name search over. Anxiety and obsessing over (for now). I will let you know how it works out.

Check out this sexy read