Don’t Look Back

Many years ago, as I sat in my car bawling after I had just signed my home over to the X…..my friend said to me… “this is just one more thing in your rearview mirror.”

That became my mantra.  It helped me get through many ugly moments in the years after that. When something was coming up that I did not want to do…I thought to myself…”I hope it gets here soon.” Then I can get through it and it can be ‘one more thing in my rear view.’  One more little mountain I had climbed.  And…as, you can guess…when you run head first into the things you are dreading….they lose their power. Big time. You grow strength…because, you have to do it.  And, then what seemed insurmountable, becomes easier.

I am not saying that I or anyone ever gets used to confronting things that are unpleasant. But, I learned, nothing lasts forever..that emotion, feeling, stress, dread, fear….doesn’t last forever.  The anticipation. The Waiting….the hardest part. And, something else unexpected happened.

I was still feeling like I was on a treadmill up that damn mountain….that I was never going to get to the top….I still had mountains to climb.  It was depressing. A friend said to me …. “That is just life, right? There is always something unpleasant around the corner.” Well.  Maybe. I was listening to a friend share her tale of woe (same story, different verse) and she asked me…”when do I get happy like you?”

Hmm…funny.  I was thinking…..before she opened her mouth…how far she had come…instead of crying about never being happy again, she now was asking when happy was going to come.  That is progress.  I reminded her of the way she spoke, her tone of voice, her attitude, everything in the beginning. And then I asked her questions about how she felt now….she feels better than she did in the beginning…..and the middle……so…guess what…she is improving.

Well…you know…like most people I am very good at telling others what they should do with their lives (if you people would only listen!!!!). This time I taught myself something. Every once in awhile, on your journey, your climb….your mountain of hell….turn around.  All the way. Look back at where you were when this all started.  Look at how you felt, what you thought…look at the milestones you got through (1st, 2nd, loudest, smallest, biggest, etc) You have come a long way (Baby….sorry…the 70’s just slipped out).

I realized how many of my friends (and me too…) were concerned with how far they still had to climb. We are told you can’t go back, you can’t live in the past…..some of us wax poetic about the past (another blog)….but, every once in awhile as you slog your way through your struggle…..turn around (bright eyes…OMG…so sorry)

I realized….sometimes…you need to look back (sorry….I tried to resist Don’t Look Back ) to see how far you have come.

I went through fire. I am better now. Way better. And thankful for the experience.

Wheels in my Head

Steeler’s Wheel sings Stuck in the middle….which is an old song from the 70’s?  I am not sure…..something I do know…..Gerry Rafferty (who sang another great song from my youth…..Baker Street) was the lead singer for Steeler’s Wheel. This old song is the theme song to Grace and Frankie…that’s right…I can’t stop writing  about it.   Plus…for years, if you listen to me….I speak not only in rainbows…but in song lyrics.  I thought I was the only one……nope…my 15 year old pit viper does too.  Funny.  I even have a scrapbook of layouts (yes…I am that person, too)  of family pictures with captions as song lyrics…….my divorce layout….It’s Over by Boz Skaggs; pictures of kids in the fall leaves in the yard….All the leaves are brown….” Mamas and Papas…….We’re drinking so much goose, we’re turning into geese..thank you, Hollywood Undead.…..Hanging out with my friends…..This Afternoon by Nickelback (don’t hate)…Lookin’ like another bob Marley day…..Not necessarily the pot thing…but, the wine drinking hanging with my friends thing.

I have been saying “clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right” forfucking ever.  It is just funny.

Spinning Wheel…..what goes up….must come down….spinning wheel, got to go round….such astute wisdom from Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

Frank Zappa and the Mothers…..is a lyric line from a Deep Purple song.  For reasons I will never be able to understand, it occasionally comes out of my mouth…”Frank Zappa and the Mothers”…….and it always comes into my head whenever anyone mentions Frank Zappa or any of his fantastically named children come up.  But, I digress……back to wheel.

Wheel in the Sky……not my favorite journey song….but, it comes to mind.  And…for an amusing moment….check out that video…the clothes are hilarious.

Helen……Helen Wheels….ain’t nobody else gonna know the way she feels”…..I love Band on the Run….one of my favorite albums of all time…..and, Paul looks 22 in that video.

Under my wheels…..Alice Cooper….much different than “Watching the wheels”….which is a line (could be an entire song title…dunno) in a John Lennon song….hmmm…two Beatles.

And….because I have been talking about wheels so much, the word has started to sound strange as it rolls off my tongue….I will leave you with one last thought……

The wheels on the bus go round and round……….