You Have Arrived!

Today, I found my answer to the question, “What do you do?”  My answer now is: “I use Google Maps everywhere I go because when I reach my destination, Google maps says, ‘you have arrived””

I love that! I have arrived. I love hearing it and it makes my day. Simple girl, I know.

And it solves my issue of whether or not to respond with my boring job or my exciting, fun erotica job.  I mean, really, why should anyone get all the good stuff in the first few minutes? They should have to work for that shit.  

When I thought of that last line, it amused me, so I left it. But, now that I think about it, I have changed some things in my experienced years. I no longer treat each new person I meet as a friend. I treat them like a potential friend. While this may be second nature for some, it is a new skill for me. I really pay attention to who is asking me questions, what types of questions they are asking, and how they respond to my answers.  I have learned a ton. 

A few weeks ago, I was in one of my local haunts when the bouncer (younger, hot, studly) approached me to compliment me on my outfit. I have known him for years, he is always pleasant and calm.  We have never exchanged names or numbers, but we have said hello.  And, the one time Jamie (partner in crime) decided to bring her own alcohol, he was very nice.  She had it in an opaque water bottle. She, like me, hates being invisible and waiting to get served. If I’m going to take my own alcohol, though, I would drink it in the bathroom. Or in the car.  Not Jamie. It was hot. And she thought we could stand 3 feet to the right of the door and that would be okay. I was trying to subtly tell her this was not okay when Younger, Hot, Stud walks over and says, “Ladies. C’mon. Really?”  She acted dumb and I just stood there wishing I had a beer.  He gave her a little lesson about where to drink her alcohol and never one time said anything like, “at your age…” And, you should know, Jamie is no fool. She finished her drink while he was being polite.

I was shocked at the compliment, though, as he had never done this before. Even my PIC looked up from her phone. I thanked him and he got called to duty. You know, drunk people aren’t the most responsible group.

About 10 minutes go by and he circles back. And, he says to me, “I’m sorry. I got called away while you were answering me. What were you saying?”

What? I can honestly say I cannot remember anyone ever doing that to me before. I sure noticed. I am looking forward to our next trip to that place and hope to raise a little cain while I am there. (wink, wink, Jamie)

I am used to being ignored. But, not only was I not invisible in this instance, I was center stage.  My “Invisible” blog generated a slew of emotions in my readers. So many who feel like me.  Invisible.

It seems like the universe has been telling me for a long time……why you gotta make things so difficult?  So, I’m not. Just like I have said before. After today I am through running after things. The ice cream man can go fuck himself.  Okay. I didn’t say it originally. But, it’s funny. Really, though. I’m done.  I’m done being sad I don’t get to hang out with my friends as much as I would like, so I’m making new friends. I’m done worrying about my teenagers hating me – they are supposed to and, to be fair, sometimes the feeling is mutual. I’m done talking to people who don’t listen. I could go on and on…but, do you get my point?  I am going to be interested in the people who are interested in me. I am going to do the things that I love with people who love it too. I quit caring what people think years ago. Now, I choose to do what is easy.

So, not only did I let go of something else, I moved forward in another direction. Not only is it easy, it doesn’t rob me of any joy. So, happy marches on. And, I don’t feel invisible anymore. If you don’t see me, I will find more who will.

Wheels in my Head

Steeler’s Wheel sings Stuck in the middle….which is an old song from the 70’s?  I am not sure…..something I do know…..Gerry Rafferty (who sang another great song from my youth…..Baker Street) was the lead singer for Steeler’s Wheel. This old song is the theme song to Grace and Frankie…that’s right…I can’t stop writing  about it.   Plus…for years, if you listen to me….I speak not only in rainbows…but in song lyrics.  I thought I was the only one……nope…my 15 year old pit viper does too.  Funny.  I even have a scrapbook of layouts (yes…I am that person, too)  of family pictures with captions as song lyrics…….my divorce layout….It’s Over by Boz Skaggs; pictures of kids in the fall leaves in the yard….All the leaves are brown….” Mamas and Papas…….We’re drinking so much goose, we’re turning into geese..thank you, Hollywood Undead.…..Hanging out with my friends…..This Afternoon by Nickelback (don’t hate)…Lookin’ like another bob Marley day…..Not necessarily the pot thing…but, the wine drinking hanging with my friends thing.

I have been saying “clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right” forfucking ever.  It is just funny.

Spinning Wheel…..what goes up….must come down….spinning wheel, got to go round….such astute wisdom from Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

Frank Zappa and the Mothers… a lyric line from a Deep Purple song.  For reasons I will never be able to understand, it occasionally comes out of my mouth…”Frank Zappa and the Mothers”…….and it always comes into my head whenever anyone mentions Frank Zappa or any of his fantastically named children come up.  But, I digress……back to wheel.

Wheel in the Sky……not my favorite journey song….but, it comes to mind.  And…for an amusing moment….check out that video…the clothes are hilarious.

Helen……Helen Wheels….ain’t nobody else gonna know the way she feels”…..I love Band on the Run….one of my favorite albums of all time…..and, Paul looks 22 in that video.

Under my wheels…..Alice Cooper….much different than “Watching the wheels”….which is a line (could be an entire song title…dunno) in a John Lennon song….hmmm…two Beatles.

And….because I have been talking about wheels so much, the word has started to sound strange as it rolls off my tongue….I will leave you with one last thought……

The wheels on the bus go round and round……….

His Penis had Abs!

I wish I could say I wrote that.  I think I was always sort of thinking it in my head.  It sounds so familiar. When I heard it…..well… got to be the title of my blog. And….isn’t it fantastic? It is another perfect line uttered by my favorite character on Grace and Frankie. And, yes, I know that this is my 3rd or 4th blog about Grace and Frankie…..sue me. Yes, I go trolling around the web looking for G and F news.  I will admit…..I’m obsessed.  Ok…not really….but, these two characters totally resonate with me. I am not their age….but, I just skidded over 50 and am feeling and seeing some of the fun shit that goes along with aging.  I am not a fan.  And, I laugh about it with my friends….if I can remember it, I write about it… get the picture.

Netflix has announced that there will be a season 4.  I have already watched season 3……twice. It can’t get here fast enough. I am elated. I know the main characters aren’t getting any younger…..but, I think I am not the only fan! I love the characters on the show. Some of the story lines don’t excite me…..but, the vibrators for older women story is beautiful in so many ways.

I think I love this show mostly for the way these older people still have vibrant, fulfilling lives. Hope for my future, I suppose. As I am finding out that my childhood was a big fat lie (in many ways, but mostly adulthood did not turn out like I pictured it back then)….it is good to know that there is still a lot of life in my life.

And, apparently, I am going to continue my ongoing “journey” of age and discovery. And, I am going to share it with you fine people. Lucky you. I don’t really know why this is my ongoing theme lately.  Maybe that skid over 50 left more road rash than I thought. I can’t help thinking (all of the fucking time……) how in the hell did I get here?  The cool thing for me though, is that I have never been so sure of my direction or so happy. It makes wrestling with being “over the hill” much more entertaining. And fun.

Before I go, you should know the writers did not disappoint. They had another great season with perfect, perfect lines. “His penis had abs,” might be my favorite line so far. Here are more terrific lines from Season #3:

Get your fucking mother over here.

Fuck me in the eye.

You’re my brother. I’m glad mom bought you.

Would one of you geezers get me off the fucking floor?

Brianna taught me some pot words.

I miss your stupid mom, she’s my ride or die bitch.

She was rambling….like a prison letter.

My dummy exploded.

Your mother’s gun is named Louise?

I’m too stoned to play this game…what are you saying?

Thanks for reading. Have a terrific day. And, no….I do not get paid by Netflix…..but, I am not opposed.

Vibrator, Anyone?

Today at work, we were discussing an episode of Grace & Frankie from Netflix.  I am a fan of the show (as you all know) and Grace (played perfectly by Jane Fonda) was discussing vibrators and how they affect her arthritis. Seriously….if you know anyone associated with the show….let me know. This is an amazingly fantastic idea (sex toys for people with arthritis or other issues) and I want in.  Or at least in the focus group.

Anyway, one of the people I work with mentioned that vibrator use can desensitize your clitoris. What? I replied.  She said it was true, she read an article.  I said, “I completely disagree. Your sex parts (like anything else) atrophy when not used.  When used they become stronger and better. I said that vibrator use actually does the opposite… become even more adept at having better (stronger, longer) orgasms in shorter periods of time….and, then there is that multiple thing.” And, I just made that up on the spot. (everything I write is about sex…spot…really?) I didn’t tell her that, but she did not look convinced. She works with me. She knows I open my mouth and stuff comes out. Doesn’t make it right, good, or even true.

Sounded like a great topic for me to blog about. And, when I blog….I occasionally do research. I googled “do vibrators desensitize.” And, yes….I did it at work.  The IT guys LOVE me!

1st article…. Columbia U and “goaskalice”?  I am not kidding……Go Ask Alice…..according to WIKI (we all know how reliable that is) is a 1971 fiction book about a teenage girl who develops a drug habit at age 15, runs away from home, and eventually dies of a drug overdose.  But, I think we all know the song better….and that is probably where the book title came from anyway……..White Rabbit (Grace Slick was their singer AND….the “Rabbit” is a well known vibrator design…sometimes the universe is a very interesting place. Or…it could be my brain is an interesting place….)

#2 –   This article states, “ Vibrator users also tended to be younger, better educated, and more sexually and ethnically diverse than women who had never used vibrators.” It also agreed with me…..not sure I need to comment more.

#3 – This article did a great job of separating myth from truth…..and it agreed with me too.  

The lone dissentor – really just clarifies. You can read it….but, basically……if you have been “vibing” for an hour……well hell…..your clit is lit….it will need a break….I mean…..c’mon.  Common sense.

White Rabbit? I really can work a song into everything…….I should have written for Rolling Stone…..but, that is another blog.  

Don’t Be Dumber than Fuck


Season 3 of Grace and Frankie will be on Netflix this week.  I am so thrilled.  It stars Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin….2 women I have loved watching perform for a long time.  Jane never disappoints and I will always tune in if Lily is around….ever since she was Edith Ann I have been a fan.  This show is about 2 women whose husbands – interesting characters well-played by Martin Sheen and Sam Waterston – are best friends and business partners. The families have been together for years… long friends.  And, then…….the husbands leave the wives (I’m leaving stuff out here…..avoiding spoilers). As a recently divorced person…I tuned in. And, I am oh so glad I did……I love this show.  

Also…Sam Elliott makes a few appearances…..who doesn’t love that? I mean, c’mon, Ladies….this man is IT! (if you haven’t already…you might tune in to The Ranch with Sam, Ashton Kutcher, Debra Winger, and Danny Masterson.)

There are 4 adult children in the mix. There is the “perfect” one, played by Brooklyn Decker – I expect her “perfection” might blow up later. The “out of control” one – played by June Diane Raphael. She is the least likable character…..but, absolutely my favorite – she vibrates with appeal. Ethan Embry plays the “fuck-up” – he is in recovery and sleeping on his brother’s couch. He is sweet and funny and as the “story” unfolds you can see the many reasons why he self medicates.  The brother with the “couch” is played by Baron Vaughn. He is supposed the be the “normal one” – I think we all know how that works out.

Jane Fonda’s character is rigidly straight laced and looks like Neiman Marcus (or, Needless Markup for the cool kids)  threw up on her….if you know what I mean. Lily’s character is a little more hippy-dippy. Pot smoking, peyote questing, and not bogged down by the opinions of others. She goes her own way. Together they adapt and grow from the changes happening so late in their lives. The show is beautifully acted and presented.  But, the writers…oh, the writers.  These are some of my favorite lines:

My suggestion is don’t be dumber than fuck.

It’s microwaved chicken for 1 at’s not dinner……it’s an edible suicide note.

This is the worst party I have ever been to, and I was at Jonestown.

I lost both my virginities in that house.

This is where I had my first knife fight.

It was an ambien break-up.

Are you suing him for his love?

That’s the fuck-up? That’s fucked up.

Don’t confuse me with facts.

Be the bossy hamster with a drinking problem.

And truly one of the best oopsie text scenes ever……

“It’s called being human”…reply……”it’s called being a pussy.”

The show revolves around relationships, old and new. It might be difficult for some to have any sympathy for these characters due to their financial situations…..the divorced women live in a huge beach house in what looks to be Malibu and have no shortage of money to spend. For the rest of us, we know that divorce sucks….for a million reasons….only one of them being money.

When you add all of this up, add a cover of a FANTASTIC Steeler’s Wheel song, and an equally good soundtrack……Grace and Frankie are definitely worth a look. If you don’t tune in….remember this: Don’t be “dumber than fuck.”