Golden Showers? Golden Slumbers?

Gwyneth Paltrow has said a lot of memorable things in the time she has been a celeb. She has gotten so good at saying memorable things that she started a blog. She calls it goop. I will be honest and say I haven’t spent much time on this particular blog.  I will also say that there have been times in the last 20 years or so that Gwyneth would say something that resonated with me.  Not very many times. But, there were times.  If pushed, I would say that I like her. I would like to know her. But, I am not sure how much we have in common.

Imagine my amusement when I came across the following headline: “No, Gwyneth Paltrow, women should not put jade eggs in their vaginas, gynecologist says”    I am always looking for things to blog about. Especially sex things. And, things sexually related that might be “news” to some of my friends and readers. If I can make jokes or make people laugh in the process…..count me in. Before I write about stuff, I try to do at least a little research, so I read the article.  Then, I looked over her blog.  Apparently there are lots of really good reasons (according to Gwyneth) and some really not good reasons (according to others) to insert jade eggs into your vagina. And…..some similar reasons to squat over a pot of steam….naked.  If you are interested….check out both articles.

First I want to share my initial reactions…..WHAT? WHAT?  JUST……WHAT?  RUFKM? VAGINAL STEAMING? WHAT? There were so many places to go with this….why? When? How? Where? Who thinks up this shit? Not enough words. Too many words. In my “new life” I have tried many new things. I figure…what the hell? And, then, I try to bring my friends to the table.  That doesn’t work so well. Mostly…..when I share some stuff…I really get a giggle out of their reactions. I cannot wait to discuss “vaginal steaming” with the crowd that thinks bikini area waxing and shaping should be done quarterly…..if at all.

And…here is my Whoopi Goldberg turn……is this stuff I never wanted to know? Was I happy in my “stupid, ignorant, sheltered married bubble”? Yes. Yes, I was. And, yet….I am so much happier than I was.  I am pretty sure it isn’t because I know all about “vaginal steaming”…..But, I am learning new things.  I am exploring new options.  I am feeling very strong in my voice. And, my path. Which, at this time, does not include vaginal steaming.

Two more things…….I recently received an email from ok cupid….a free dating website…it was asking what I thought the biggest dating deal breaker was.  Apparently, people would rather date someone who likes “golden showers” more than they would date Trump supporters. Again….so many words. Not enough words. WHAT? Why and on what planet does anyone think it is okay sending an email to anyone talking about golden showers? Seriously?  I know I fucking write porn….I don’t care. You know what you get when you buy my books or read my blog.  I am a potty-mouthed writer.  But, I join a free dating website and I get this crap?  Is that someone’s way of pushing me to do things that I might find uncomfortable or are they desensitizing me? Are they just assholes that think that shit is funny? Would anybody ever send an email to any married person about how to save their marriage by participating in golden showers.  FUCK NO!!!! Golden Slumbers.…for no reason except that I can’t get that song out of my head.

#2. On a side note…..I heard today that there is a new word for vagina…..vagine. Pronounced “vuhjeen”….you know. It’s French. Like Tarjaayyy…the french discount store.