I Had Goals and a Plan

I would have said that I am the least likely among my friends to be writing erotica.  I probably did say it in one of my earlier blogs. Here are some of the reasons why: I thinks sex is private and intimate. I don’t care what you do and I don’t want to hear about it…..and I am not going to tell you what I do. My “number” is way lower than some of my friends.  To be fair….it is way higher than some of my friends.  I can name 5 of my friends off the top of my head that married their first partner. So, my “higher number” doesn’t have to go that far. I didn’t read or watch much “porn”. It was never really my thing. 

Always being an avid reader, romance books were my passion in high school. Danielle Steel was really my first love. Everything I liked to read, did not have sex. And, if there was “sex”, it wasn’t explicit. It was more…..”and the lights went out” or, “and they made mad, passionate love.” I skipped the sex scenes when watching movies at home….explicit or no. Well…..except for the sex scene in Mobsters where I fell in love with Christian Slater. I wasn’t embarrassed, really. It is just private. As for watching porn….I have seen it….but, it never did much for me. And, I did blush more in the first few months of telling people what I was writing than I had in my entire life.

I spent 12 years in Catholic schools (I know what some of you are thinking…..’going to Catholic schools is a prerequisite for writing porn’….)  I almost have a post-graduate degree. I go to church. I have a fantastic relationship with my dad. I am well adjusted (debatable…later). The fact that I was writing porn made me laugh and it made some of my friends laugh.   

Recently, my friend’s daughter posted a picture on FB of her surrounded by cops (it is a long and funny story….really). After all of the usual comments…I replied…..”I used to want to get arrested.”  And, in a rush……memories came flooding back.

I was reminded of my “goals” when I was in my early 20’s:

  1. Get arrested
  2. Get in Easyriders magazine
  3. Be in a Motley Crue music video

All of these designed to achieve my “Big Long Term Goal”…..marry Nikki Sixx. I had our wedding planned and everything……white leather mini dress and all. I had the band picked out. The cake. And, that white leather wedding dress.  I couldn’t decide between white pumps (it was the late 80’s after all) or white biker boots. The struggle was real.

So, of course, this made me think.  Hmmmm.  Erotica author seems like it could be the real “Big Term Life Goal” or……#4 at the very least.

Smiling, I think: I am the only girl I know who has been to a strip club…and, not the “Thunder Down Under” kind (do yourself a favor and click on that..it is a beautiful abfest).  And then there is that whole, “My Grandma Was a Stripper” thing. (I know, I know….that blog is coming soon….she was a stripper in the 40’s!)

I had a plan. I had a good plan. Every once in a while I look around at my life and wonder, “when did everything go so horribly wrong? I was supposed to marry Nikki Sixx.” I think we all know Nikki and I were never married. We didn’t even date. Okay……he doesn’t even know I exist. And, was I serious in those pursuits?  Not really…..but, it was sure fun to tell people. Except my parents…..they were NOT amused. But, they never had to bail me out of jail.

His Penis had Abs!

I wish I could say I wrote that.  I think I was always sort of thinking it in my head.  It sounds so familiar. When I heard it…..well…..it got to be the title of my blog. And….isn’t it fantastic? It is another perfect line uttered by my favorite character on Grace and Frankie. And, yes, I know that this is my 3rd or 4th blog about Grace and Frankie…..sue me. Yes, I go trolling around the web looking for G and F news.  I will admit…..I’m obsessed.  Ok…not really….but, these two characters totally resonate with me. I am not their age….but, I just skidded over 50 and am feeling and seeing some of the fun shit that goes along with aging.  I am not a fan.  And, I laugh about it with my friends….if I can remember it, I write about it…..you get the picture.

Netflix has announced that there will be a season 4.  I have already watched season 3……twice. It can’t get here fast enough. I am elated. I know the main characters aren’t getting any younger…..but, I think I am not the only fan! I love the characters on the show. Some of the story lines don’t excite me…..but, the vibrators for older women story is beautiful in so many ways.

I think I love this show mostly for the way these older people still have vibrant, fulfilling lives. Hope for my future, I suppose. As I am finding out that my childhood was a big fat lie (in many ways, but mostly adulthood did not turn out like I pictured it back then)….it is good to know that there is still a lot of life in my life.

And, apparently, I am going to continue my ongoing “journey” of age and discovery. And, I am going to share it with you fine people. Lucky you. I don’t really know why this is my ongoing theme lately.  Maybe that skid over 50 left more road rash than I thought. I can’t help thinking (all of the fucking time……) how in the hell did I get here?  The cool thing for me though, is that I have never been so sure of my direction or so happy. It makes wrestling with being “over the hill” much more entertaining. And fun.

Before I go, you should know the writers did not disappoint. They had another great season with perfect, perfect lines. “His penis had abs,” might be my favorite line so far. Here are more terrific lines from Season #3:

Get your fucking mother over here.

Fuck me in the eye.

You’re my brother. I’m glad mom bought you.

Would one of you geezers get me off the fucking floor?

Brianna taught me some pot words.

I miss your stupid mom, she’s my ride or die bitch.

She was rambling….like a prison letter.

My dummy exploded.

Your mother’s gun is named Louise?

I’m too stoned to play this game…what are you saying?

Thanks for reading. Have a terrific day. And, no….I do not get paid by Netflix…..but, I am not opposed.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2017!!!

Happy New Year!! 2016 had some tough moments……..but, for me, the bloodshed started in early December, 2015 with the death of Scott Weiland.  My friend and I discussed our shock at the time. His death was unexpected, but not surprising, really.  We discussed how you never really know anything. All the platitudes are true…..”you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, only the good die young, the future is not promised, each day is a gift”…blah, blah…..I could go on…but, you get it. Anyway….it seemed like only a few days later when Lemmy died. That hurt too. We knew he was sick….just hoped he would dominate it like he dominated metal. And, then in early 2016…Bowie….okay….now it was starting to feel personal…my childhood was dying.  Okay….not really…..how can I explain?  Let’s see….if I were the type of person to record meaningful personal life events on my body…..I would have tats with all of these people for one reason or another. (Of course, the first one would have been of Andy Gibb….but, I digress.)

I know it is not rational to mourn the loss of people you don’t know….but, each of these people touched me in some way that I found significant.  We grew up together.  Or, it felt like we had. So…while I did not cry or attend funerals or memorials….I was sad. Noticeably sad. And, then …Glenn Frey.  RUFKM?  The Eagles is the one band to share one thing……my mother, my daughter and I are all big fans. I remember long road trips with my mom listening to that greatest hits 8 – track over and over and over…..(which is a joke, because 8 – tracks never ended or stopped……more digression.)

So…..this was getting ridiculous.  ( I am not going to go through the whole list…so, stick with me……) The Eagles were on my bucket list. I had missed their most recent tour due to funds and a promise to “go no matter what” next tour.  Well, damn. Not sure if they would tour or not now……but, I am kind of a purist.  You need to have the essence of the band there…..(at the very least) or I won’t go. The Eagles are not the Eagles without Glenn Frey. This made me sad and angry (at people, money, divorce, courts, etc) and not sure what else. It is at this precise moment in time that I find myself at some silent fundraising auction.  And, there on the table is a guitar….signed by most of the Eagles (Okay….more purist…no Randy Meisner….now I have ventured into music minutiae for most of you….) and NOBODY is bidding on it. I have had 2 super strong but very tasty drinks on an empty stomach.  I think it is my job to start the bidding….just to get it rolling…but, surely…..someone will outbid my tiny little $1800 in order to own this piece of American history?  Surely.  

Ha!  I am definitely not Shirley. Nobody outbid me.  And, I didn’t care. I missed their concert dammit…I was getting the damn guitar…because NOBODY OUTBID ME!!! (I don’t have $1800 laying around to buy a $200 guitar with sharpie marks on it. I don’t have $18 laying around for the same thing.) I had buyer’s remorse for a little bit….but, I really got to thinking……..I could have gone to the show and taken my mom and daughter for less than I paid for that damn guitar.  Which would have been great for many reasons but, mostly because my Mom has passed since.

So…….I decided.  Life is short. Enjoy it. Eat dessert first……blah blah….Okay really…..if there is something I want…..I spend a little time evaluating my level of want, cost, etc.  If I will regret not going…then, I need to bite the bullet and find a way to make it happen (whatever it is….concert, dinner, trip, shoes, shot glasses, whatever).  

It is at this precise moment in time that I find myself at work, reading a review of the most recent GNR show in Las Vegas.  I had thought it was a one time reunion.  I was incorrect. They were on tour.  Well, hell…..tickets must be sold out, right?   No, they were not. I could score some fairly good seats in the next 2 minutes for the low low low cost of $275.

Each.

You have to buy 2. So you don’t have to sit and experience this alone.

Even if you have no one to take.  Well…that isn’t fair……I have plenty of people to take….but, who will appreciate it $275 worth? And, don’t forget driving, parking, food, drinks, dinner…….(I skipped the souvenir….hahaha). But, $275 EACH?  WTF?  And I was under pressure….because I just knew if I didn’t buy tickets right this minute…they will sell out and there will never be another tour and, and, and…..well.  I bought them. Life is short.  And, then I called the one person in the world I thought would not think I was out of my mind. He works in radio, is a musician, lover of music, and manages bands and organizes tours. His reply, “We were just discussing this at work…..what does the person look like that would spend that much money to see that band?”

Me….that stupid person would look like me. I blamed it on Glenn Frey and the damn guitar.

It really has been on ongoing process for me. For the last few years, I have been giving up expectations, setting goals, and being thankful for EVERYTHING!  People probably think I’m the village idiot..walking around happy all the time with a big dumb grin on my face….but, I don’t care.  I’m happy. I’m not judging.  I still get disappointed and sad…but, not as often.  Seems when you spend so much time being thankful and working towards goals, that is what happens……you are happy and content.  Well.  That is what happened to me. Not everyday is a warm sunny beach. But, the beach, on a crappy day, is still the beach. And, I LOVE the beach.

And, that is the very long explanation for why I didn’t hate 2016.  I had a great year. I was thankful for all experiences…I achieved some goals…….I sat around thinking how happy I was.  Have I discovered the key? The key to being happy?  I am a fairly happy person anyway. But, this year…..I am sooooo happy. 2016 cut my childhood away in tiny little slices…..and, then it died. Maybe it needed to. Maybe because of all of this. Or in spite of it, I became more present this year. AWESOME!

Is This What I have Become?

So…it happened today. I was writing a blog post….a simple, funny story about paper towels. About paper towels in the bathroom. At work. The post was G rated in content, R rated in language……until….I had reached the build up (look…..it is happening again…used “build up” instead of something less sexual) and was ready to deliver the punch line. And, instead of a funny story…..thoughts of sex and nakedness and spanking and punishment started to wander into my mind and onto my pages.

Aaaahhhhh.  I am an average woman with a private Catholic school background and a mostly vanilla history. My “foray” into writing erotica was a fluke. A complete accident. I didn’t set out to write or even publish it. And, now……now……that is all I can write? Not sure if that makes me laugh or, or….okay….laugh is my only reaction. Because this is the most preposterous thing….EVER!!!!

Until about 10 years ago….I didn’t enjoy the sex written in books. Most of what I read had short, boring scenes that usually started and ended with “and the lights went out.” I sped through those passages like it was an Olympic event. And, that is if they had sex scenes at all. I fast forwarded most sex scenes when I was watching a movie. I didn’t watch porn. I have always felt that whatever was done between 2 (or more) adults was up to them. I don’t care. I don’t judge. And I really don’t want to know.  When I was younger, a friend of mine returned from a safari trip. Her dog sitter had left one of her personal sex toys behind.  Where did my friend find it? I don’t know. What kind of toy was it? I don’t know. What color was it? I don’t know. What did my friend do with it? I don’t know. Do you know why I don’t know? Because recalling the story as she told it to me made me blush for years. I never asked. I don’t know and I didn’t want to know. And then a lot of random stuff happened. Each and every occurrence dancing me one step closer to Erotica Writer Extraordinaire…….  And, now…..well, you know…..I want to know where she found it; what it was; how she gave it back…….

So….here I am…..erotica ebook publisher and blogger of sex. How did this happen? When did it happen? And how long is this conversation going to bring giggles to my lips? One thing led to another. Tiny little steps or circumstances that gave no indication of where the path would wind to. And, at the time, the path had no direction. There was no “goal”. It was just life. Get a divorce. Get a job. Get another job. Write a love letter. Write a story. Write a book. Because you are having a little dry spell, write about sex. And, the rest is just a slippery slope of being open to new experiences and new opportunities.

It is true that with age comes wisdom….well, it is for me.  I know now that you should just “do” stuff. Try it. If you like it, do it again.  If you don’t, stop doing it. But, it is in the learning of new things or the path less traveled or the “open attitude” that brings the greatest enjoyment. Every experience, every conversation, every decision shapes you and challenges you to change with it. I have been embracing every single opportunity for a few years now. I no longer cringe at the thought of change. Now, I run towards it. I have become a happier, more fulfilled, more joyous, more content, more enthusiastic liver of life than I ever was.  And, that is fucking fantastic.

Today, though, I had to pause. Have I become a part of this world that I am teasing at the edges of? I don’t mind the writing or publishing of what could be called pornographic material. But, I never wanted to become part of the “business”. Is that what I am now? Part of the business? My younger, reluctant to change self, would have spent the next several days agonizing. Wise, experienced Bianca says…….FUCK IT. Don’t waste the worry. You are not going to become someone your children won’t recognize. I have been though some life and know that I will do only what makes sense to me. I am aware I don’t want to degenerate. So, I won’t. Simple as that.

If I had any lingering doubt, I put it out with this…….who am I? What have I become?  “I have become a happier, more fulfilled, more joyous, more content, more enthusiastic liver of life than I ever was.  And, that is fucking fantastic. ”

Fuck yeah it is.

Check out this sexy read

How Did I Get Here?

My friend and I were discussing a book she is currently reading. The book describes how we need to determine our true purpose or reach our dreams. It discusses how if you look at all of the “strings” that have been provided in your life, and are able to weave them together, you will discover your true purpose and achieve your goals. Interesting premise. I looked for the book on Amazon and discovered it was a religious book about our purpose through God. I am not sure that God (if there is one) wants me to be successful by writing porn stories…..but, it did get me thinking. How exactly did I get here?

I have always wanted to write a book. But, doesn’t everyone? I also wanted to be a dancer……but, I never took a dance class after 2nd Grade. I have spent my fair share of time on dance floors in bars, however. I had taken a lot of writing courses over the years….but, never pursued that either. I didn’t have a story. I read a lot and wished for inspiration, but it never came.

Fast forward through jobs and marriage and kids and being a stay at home mom.  I never felt like I had a “goal”, I was just living every day as it arrived. And, as a stay at home mom, I was too tired to read, much less write. So, kids got older, husband moved on and I was starting over. The divorce was ugly and I was under pressure to get a job immediately.  So, I did. It was a decent job and it was a job, but it did not pay well.  So, I got another job. It paid better but, was not what I wanted to do. Which was okay. Not everyone loves their job. So, I looked for other jobs.  

In the meantime, this 2nd job provided a laptop for me to use and take home if I wanted. I did that too. Spent a lot of time on Pinterest and FB, but that became boring quickly. I had also rekindled an old friendship online. While it was mostly innocent (really, no flirting, no sexting, no secret rendezvous) on both of our parts, it became a source of frustration for me. I had fallen in love with him the day we met. And, my feelings hadn’t really changed. He was married at the time. I have woven the pieces of our story into my books and I am not going to elaborate here, but I decided I needed to address the frustration I was having. I figured if I wrote our love story, I could get over it and move on. And, I had this handy laptop.

So, write I did. Whenever I had free time. Since I was sharing custody and was not seeing anyone, I had a LOT of free time. Plus, writing was cheap….I could afford it. My “love story” quickly turned into something else. I had so much fun writing about us, I got to thinking about everyone whom has “one that got away” and wouldn’t it be fun to explore the possibilities of that? I wrote and wrote and wrote. For about a year. Hundreds of pages. And, somewhere between the first word and now, the characters stopped resembling me and him and their activities changed….a LOT.

I had purchased some of these online stories myself. I thought I had a different voice to add. And I had all of these filled pages.  I started to research publishers and self publishing sites. Soon, what had filled up my free time started to spillover into my not so “free” time. I would back-burner my plans. Then I started to loathe my job and ramped up my job hunting. That also takes a ton of time.  When 2 jobs that I really wanted did not become mine, I started to think again. What did I really want? I wanted a job with some flexibility that paid enough to meet my bills and feed my kids. I wanted weekends off. I wanted to work ½ a day if I needed to. I wanted to work the hours I wanted to work. I am sure you can see where this is going. I always wanted to be a writer. I had written a lot of stuff. I wanted to be my own boss.  I took the plans to publish off the back burner and pushed forward.

I am not sure where this is going to lead. And I haven’t quit my day job yet. But, I do know, when I look back to where I have been…and where I started….this adventure will have lead me to the next place I need to be in my life. For years I seemed to be just going along for the ride. For the first time in a long time, I am finally driving the bus. It feels good. It is fun and exciting and interesting. And, I am going to enjoy every single step. Because, I am successful already before I sell the first book. I will keep you posted.

Check out this sexy read….

What Am I Doing?

Publishing your first book is a fantastic and ridiculous experience. It requires more than just a good idea for a story. Much more. If you have written something that you think is worth publishing, you have to decide: self publish or not. I chose to self publish. So, all of the decisions were mine. Also fantastic and ridiculous. Something that started on a whim (a blog for another day) is now requiring some serious thought and research. Where do I publish? How long should my “story” be? Should I put all of my stories together and make a book? Should I structure it as a series instead? How much should I charge for it? Where and how to publish? How many times should I edit/update? Who should read it? Should someone read it? What should I name the characters? Should I use a pseudonym? What will my pseudonym be? Who do I tell? What if they want to read it? Is it good enough to publish? Will anyone like it? Read it? Buy it? And on and on until I am a freaked out mess. (If you haven’t figured it out by now, I have a tendency to obsess and over think some things. Not all things, just some things.)

While trying to nail down the answers to these questions (and many more) I also had to figure out a name and think about the cover. Fortunately for me, I had a graphic artist friend (see her info) willing to do the artwork for free. So, I phoned her with my name dilemma.  I told her the name I had picked out, “Dreams and Fantasies” which she thought was too literal. Dang. She suggested “Deep Surrender” or “Dark Ecstasy”, which I loved but a quick search told me they were already books. Then we started getting silly: “Lick Me” (already taken numerous times); “Fuck Me Cross-Eyed” which lead to “Fuck Each Other Stupid” (a line from one of my books, actually); “Hard Surrender”; “Dark Hardness”; and “Hard Darkness”, to name a few. It was funny and we were laughing, but I still hadn’t picked out a name.

I started to research how important a good title was. Maybe I could just pick anything. Concensus was that the title was VERY IMPORTANT! Great! More anxiety. Somehow in all that searching, I found a link to Lulu.com . An online publisher that had a “title grader” on it.  Fabulous. I just answered a few questions, typed in the name and Lulu provided me with a percentage score on whether or not the book would be a best seller. I entered every name we had come up with and received the scores of 16%, 27%, and 32%. Bummer. I wanted to sell my books, turn lots of people on, and quit my day job. Even 32% wasn’t good enough for those lofty goals. And, then I typed in “Dark Compliance”…..score of 69%!  I think we have a winner here.  Name search over. Anxiety and obsessing over (for now). I will let you know how it works out.

Check out this sexy read

Introducing Hard Compliance!

Hard Compliance Series: Book #6 Debut!

Buckle up your seatbelts, stow your belongings, get yourself together and take a long deep breath… The Hard Compliance series by Bianca Ahonen is about to make its debut!

All erotica fans and horny people out there, listen up as I am coming to bedrooms near you. One book at a time. As Carrie Bradshaw said, “Some love stories aren’t epic novels, some are short stories… but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.” Before I introduce Eric and Carrie, let me introduce myself.

Who knew a girl who spent 12 years in Catholic schools wearing the same uniform as everyone else would lead to becoming a grown woman writing erotica? Four of those years were even in an all-girls’ school with no boys allowed. Maybe that is why I have always been boy crazy . I can sure tell you that when I graduated at 17…writing erotica stories was not on my radar. And, I am sure that those amazing nuns who taught me grammar, spelling and sentence structure, had no idea what they were preparing me for!

I have always loved reading and writing but never had a story when the thoughts of penning something came to mind. It became a way to pass time and the whole thing snow-balled. I looked down one day and had written over 500 pages filled with stories, sex…and more sex. I wasn’t planning on publishing any of this. But, a friend who kept begging to read what I had written, made an offhand comment about publishing my stories and 6 months later…..here I am. These stories turned me on. I am sure they will turn you on.

Hard Compliance is the first in my series… well, sort of a first. The middle is now the beginning.

Having written about 10 beginnings and having the makings of either a long book or a variety of short stories… for a brief moment I was stuck… but realized, maybe a series? Stitching everything together to make one book would have taken too long and I was looking for something quicker. (It HAS been six months since I started down this road…I need a spanking as I failed my swift goal…quick, my ass! I had hoped for sooner but now is the time!) While editing towards the end, I realized the beginning of my writing was too tame and the later stories  were the opposite. (Get ready for some sexy good lovin’!) So, I decided to start in the middle and Book 6 will be debuting first.

The middle, now beginning, introduces Eric and Carrie and will set the scene so to speak. I will then continue to publish their on-going relationship with the other books. Of course, starting in the middle of their relationship is fitting as the “beginning of their story”, where these books begin, is actually somewhere in the middle of their story.

Eric and Carrie meet when they are with other people. Their connection, however, is instant as soon as the look into each other’s eyes. Soulmates? Maybe. Probably. Their “connection” binds them together for years. Unfortunately, they seem to be a case of “right couple…..wrong time, wrong time, wrong time.”  They lose track of each other while living their lives, but the internet is a fabulous thing. They reconnect just as Carrie is  entering a nasty divorce and Eric is married to someone else, with a baby. Their friendship remains platonic in words and action….but continues to grow as they support each other through the trials (literally and figuratively) and tribulations of life. Years go by and they are finally free to be together at the same time. Book 6 picks up a few months down the road, after they have blended their families.

As a newly published author, I want to thank you for reading my beloved Hard Compliance series and supporting my love for writing. Eric and Carrie are dear to my heart and I hope they become friends of yours too. Share this blog with all the erotica lovers you know. I have found my new passion and am so excited for what’s to come.

So grab a glass of wine or a hot cup of tea or jump into a steamy hot bubbly bath or curl up in bed and get ready for some fun, fantasy, and a whole lot of sex. Start with just one or all of these short stories if you’re in the mood for a quickie or if you like multiples…read one after another….after another….after another. And don’t worry, I have more from where this came from.

Here it is…..check it out and get turned on….