Happy New Year, 2018!

A year ago my blog was about how my musical childhood was dying and how so many of my heroes were lost in 2015 and 2016. 2017 took my number one longtime hero.  I have only one friend I have known longer than Tom Petty. That hurt. Deeply. Still does. It just seems weird to me to be in a world where I’m never going to see him perform live again.

Rereading that new years blog I’m amused to notice platitudes are my favorite thing to use, next to song lyrics, in speech. I notice with amusement that I spoke of not hating 2016. Funny. Can’t imagine I would say anything like that now. The notion that I might hate a year is weird. Maybe because I’ve crested over the top.

If 2016 was the year the music died, then 2017 was the year of shit that didn’t get done. Things that didn’t get done: the yard, the beach house for a week in the summer, 1st day of school photos and last day of school photos, didn’t buy school photos, didn’t train the dogs, didn’t decorate for any holiday…although, we did put Christmas tree up and the boxes in hallway, didn’t get my first blog out until the 12th, didn’t finish painting my room, didn’t get my life together and organised, didn’t completely clean out garage, didn’t get a new job, didn’t find a man, didn’t spend more time with friends. So many things did not get done.

2017 was also the year I started to let shit go. To be fair, even before 2017, I had become Queen of Letting Things Go. But, even I, held on to some shit. To rephrase, 2017 was the year I let go of anything else I was so tightly clutching. My new spirit of change says, “who cares what I let go or what I didn’t do? Let’s focus on what I did. (“I do not want what I haven’t got,” isn’t just a song title.)  

2017 is the first year where I really made a new year’s resolution. The resolution wasn’t intentional. I was at a point in my life where I needed to pursue one thing at a time. I was getting overwhelmed at the sheer thought of what I had on my plate. Being a single parent of limited means, my everyday life was already daunting as hell. I decided to pursue the “job” that would get me what I wanted/needed. For the first time in my life I had actually sat down and put my dream to paper. (For the purists out there, I actually ‘wrote’ my resolution by pressing keys on my iPad. I know how you writers are.) I put my dream of pursuing writing as a career and life choice as my #1 goal. I put everything else related to life choice, career, or job goal on the back burner until 2018. I determined what the many versions of success looked like. I broke down the goal into bite sized chunks and made a detailed list of what I needed to do and by when. I also spent some time, about once a month, to evaluate where I was and how the goals/list were going.  This step had seemed boring to me in the past, but it was now more energizing than the goal. I could really do this.

And, I was having such a great time doing it. Until I had to wrestle with arthritis. And, in late July I was greeted with an opportunity to pen and publish a true crime book! So, now it looked like I was going to have to put one dream on hold to do what? Something I didn’t want to do? Many blogs in the future will be devoted to “that process.” I wrestled with that decision so long, I put it’s own purpose at risk. Somewhere around the first week of December, I took inventory again.

I had achieved half of my list. It was the easiest, least important part. So the fuck what? I had achieved half of my list, I had written and published through an indie publisher (now I was self and indie published), I had collaborated on a book, I had built a potentially lucrative future for that book genre, I had something I had written for fun performed for a huge audience, I had reached top 15 in a book genre on Amazon, I had made new contacts regarding my goals, I had determined my retirement plan, I started to make changes in direction due to arthritis, I’ve accepted that diagnosis. Every single area of my life showed growth and improvement. I had a fantastic year. I accomplished so much. And, as I keep saying (ad naseum, I know) I have never been happier.

On a lark, I reached out to someone who appeared to need a little cheerleader in their corner. Next thing I know, she is going to help me finish my list! Probably so I could meet my goal in January or February!  And, by reaching out to her and working with her, I am taking steps to achieve the biggest dream I have. WOW! Amazing.

2017 was the year that I learned that in letting go, I would gain beyond measure. I finally let go of who and what my future must look like. I have a general purpose and direction and a list of goals, but I am keeping it fluid. I was so rigid in my erotica book goals, that I almost missed one of the two best opportunities I had this year. I was so rigid in whom I was looking for, that I couldn’t be open to find the one.

So…no new year’s resolutions this year, just a “to-do list”  which really turned into a “see in the future” psychic thing. In the next three months, I am going to meet or begin the relationship that is “the one” for me. I don’t know if I have met him yet, but he is on his way. I am going to get everything organised and get on top of everything in my life. I am halfway there already after last year.  I am going to be well on my way to selecting a retirement date by the end of this year. My life is going to continue to change for the better. I absolutely know it.

I was going to blog about that woman who returned her tree to Costco…..not sure which would have been more entertaining.

Dream On

I like dreaming. Awake or asleep…I like dreaming.  I used to have a recurring dream about this scary, scary bridge……it was very long…went for miles and it was straight up….couldn’t see the other part of the bridge…..because you know…a dream.  Every time I had the dream, I would look at this bridge from the bottom. I would see spaces in the concrete where you could see under.  It was a million miles down to the ocean. The bridge went up for miles and on for miles. (Stay with me…..I am going somewhere….) It scared me shitless to think about going “over” it.  I would sweat and panic.

In the dream, I always had to stop to prepare. Tell myself I had been over it before, lots of people were doing it…..get over the fear…blah, blah. For a long time I gave myself a hard time about the fear…in the dream. I mean if I could be “anything” in my own dream…why am I a fraidy cat?  I realized today that I have not had that dream in quite some time.  It has been a long time since my life was in chaos and required big girl panties. I drew the connection between my chaotic life and the bridge and stress.  So obvious.   

While I was remembering, something occurred to me….even in the dream I crossed that bridge.  I stopped. Waited. Looked for other ways. Talked myself into it.  Took a deep breath and did it.  It scared me to pieces every time. But, I did it. Each and every time, I grew some courage and I did it. Looking back, that is how I calmed the scary chaos that was my life too…..I just did it.

I don’t need a degree in dream interpretation to explain that to anyone.  However, I am looking at the dream in a different way now. I wasn’t full of fear.  I was courageous and strong. In the dream, there was the ocean and beach under the bridge. As opposed to lava, scary monsters….you get the idea. The beach is my favorite place.  Even in my terrifying dream…I gave myself a soft place to fall….the beach.

We are stronger than we realize. We have courage we are unaware of. We can do anything we want.

I still dream about the beach and the beach house I am going to buy. They are beautiful. No bridges. 

Other songs about dreaming that I like: 1956 (did they make music back then?) 1970 (one of my favorite groups) 1973 (I have a photo of me and Steven Tyler) 1975 1977 1983 1985. I could do more….but, you are already bored.