I Miss My Skinny Little White Friends

I miss my skinny little white friends.  I don’t care that they were trying to kill me.  I love and miss them.  They were there for me when I was happy or sad or hungry or stressed. Or bored or waiting or talking on the phone. Or drinking or driving in my car…..but, not at the same time.  I could choose between tall or short and minty or not. They never failed to satisfy. Sometimes I needed two in a row.  I never ended up like Nic Cage’s character in Wild at Heart . In one of my all time favorite movie scenes…..Nic lights and smokes two cigarettes at once.  Cinematic genius. Not because of the smoking. Because of the sentiment and it was completely unexpected.

I love smoking. I know it is horrible for me. I have stopped and started many times.  It is hard. So hard.  But like the Joan Jett song, “I wanna walk, but I run back to you….” I have told myself if I am still healthy(ish) at 70….and, I don’t smoke any between now and then……I will smoke again. Until I die……

My favorite thing about quitting was all my friends’ “help”: chew gum, get the patch, go for a walk, do 5 push ups……….I don’t want to do any of that….I want to smoke. “Vape” they said.  There is NO SUBSTITUTE!!!!! And, I accept no substitutes…..but, what is this vaping thing?  Like any good writer, I did some research. “Vaping” is a blog for another day.  However, I did try it.  And, it is like nothing…..you inhale….and feel almost nothing (compared to smoking). My favorite thing about it is that it tasted good. And, there was no smell.  But, I found it to be mostly stupid.

Lucky for me, I didn’t love it….so, I will be saving money.  Also lucky for me, it didn’t drive me back to smoking.

I quit for all of the right reasons: health.  It was a good decision, doesn’t mean I don’t still think about it. I do.  I have smoking dreams……seriously. I still miss it. Every. Single. Day.