Sex, Drugs, and Orgasms

Some of my blogs write themselves.  “Obviously,“ some of you are saying. This is one of them. There is a new strain of cannabis.  For those of you who do not know…..there are many types or “strains” of pot. The different strains help with different things: pain, sleep, anxiety, stress, mood, etc.  I think I can safely say that what you ingest at one person’s house can be completely different at somebody else’s house. Or, whatever…you know what I mean. All pot is not created equally.

There is a strain of pot that is said to have aphrodisiac qualities. Actually…..it was specifically engineered and grown to make women orgasm.  Who doesn’t need more of those? It is called “Sexxpot.”  Sexxpot.  Think about that for a minute. Hilarious on so many levels.  Whoever named that is a marketing genius.  Actually….a lot of the pot names are funny……but, Sexxpot?  Fucking hilarious is what that is. Who says stoned people are stupid?

I am going to suspend my disbelief about this strain’s abilities and go with it.  Pot that makes you orgasm.  More orgasms? Longer orgasms? Better orgasms?  I do not know. If I smoke (or whatever) it, will I have an orgasm or many? Will I have to have sex for that or is the orgasm spontaneous?  If they are spontaneous….do they just come (haha) at random? I am temporarily without a man…..can I smoke a bowl of this and be “happy?” How many times? Because that would be FANTASTIC……that would change the world! I knew I should have opened a medical marijuana dispensary.

I like that this is only for women…again….good marketing. I have been lamenting for years that everything is for guys. There is Viagra for men…there are no drugs for women to help them out. Which is stupid because stereotypes say “men always want sex” and “women take longer to get ready and aren’t always in the mood.” Really stupid. Until recently all medications were based on men…their symptoms, their physiology, etc. It is only a few years back when they decided that women have different heart attack symptoms than men. Men’s clothes are less expensive, their shoes made better. Don’t even get me started on birth control……  So….something for women that helps them in the sex area…..I love it! And, it is natural and has other benefits. AWESOME!!!!  

It has been a long time since pot was part of my life. Now, it is just something I smell at concerts. Back then…..There is only one person I would have smoked and slept with…..he would get me stoned and then leave. But, I was stoned, I wasn’t sad about it. Time to do some research.

Some people highly recommend smoking any strain and having sex.  They say it is just better, more, better….but, they stop short at claiming they had orgasms or had better orgasms. I asked my one friend who drinks more and does more drugs than any other. You should know that most of my friends stopped doing drugs after college.  Definitely after kids. So, to say she does more…doesn’t mean she is anywhere close to resembling an addict…..a social abuser might be closer to the mark.  We were headed out one night. I said, I have a headache…..she said….take this. What is that?  Molly.  WTF….but I digress.  She says she feels too self conscious when she has sex stoned.  Maybe the paranoia kicks in?  

Mostly though….I love the name. Sexxpot. It might be better than the bar my friend and I talk about opening…..Luscious.  Don’t worry….you will figure that out. If not…you know where to find me.

Dream On

I like dreaming. Awake or asleep…I like dreaming.  I used to have a recurring dream about this scary, scary bridge……it was very long…went for miles and it was straight up….couldn’t see the other part of the bridge…..because you know…a dream.  Every time I had the dream, I would look at this bridge from the bottom. I would see spaces in the concrete where you could see under.  It was a million miles down to the ocean. The bridge went up for miles and on for miles. (Stay with me…..I am going somewhere….) It scared me shitless to think about going “over” it.  I would sweat and panic.

In the dream, I always had to stop to prepare. Tell myself I had been over it before, lots of people were doing it…..get over the fear…blah, blah. For a long time I gave myself a hard time about the fear…in the dream. I mean if I could be “anything” in my own dream…why am I a fraidy cat?  I realized today that I have not had that dream in quite some time.  It has been a long time since my life was in chaos and required big girl panties. I drew the connection between my chaotic life and the bridge and stress.  So obvious.   

While I was remembering, something occurred to me….even in the dream I crossed that bridge.  I stopped. Waited. Looked for other ways. Talked myself into it.  Took a deep breath and did it.  It scared me to pieces every time. But, I did it. Each and every time, I grew some courage and I did it. Looking back, that is how I calmed the scary chaos that was my life too…..I just did it.

I don’t need a degree in dream interpretation to explain that to anyone.  However, I am looking at the dream in a different way now. I wasn’t full of fear.  I was courageous and strong. In the dream, there was the ocean and beach under the bridge. As opposed to lava, scary monsters….you get the idea. The beach is my favorite place.  Even in my terrifying dream…I gave myself a soft place to fall….the beach.

We are stronger than we realize. We have courage we are unaware of. We can do anything we want.

I still dream about the beach and the beach house I am going to buy. They are beautiful. No bridges. 

Other songs about dreaming that I like: 1956 (did they make music back then?) 1970 (one of my favorite groups) 1973 (I have a photo of me and Steven Tyler) 1975 1977 1983 1985. I could do more….but, you are already bored.

Golden Showers? Golden Slumbers?

Gwyneth Paltrow has said a lot of memorable things in the time she has been a celeb. She has gotten so good at saying memorable things that she started a blog. She calls it goop. I will be honest and say I haven’t spent much time on this particular blog.  I will also say that there have been times in the last 20 years or so that Gwyneth would say something that resonated with me.  Not very many times. But, there were times.  If pushed, I would say that I like her. I would like to know her. But, I am not sure how much we have in common.

Imagine my amusement when I came across the following headline: “No, Gwyneth Paltrow, women should not put jade eggs in their vaginas, gynecologist says”    I am always looking for things to blog about. Especially sex things. And, things sexually related that might be “news” to some of my friends and readers. If I can make jokes or make people laugh in the process…..count me in. Before I write about stuff, I try to do at least a little research, so I read the article.  Then, I looked over her blog.  Apparently there are lots of really good reasons (according to Gwyneth) and some really not good reasons (according to others) to insert jade eggs into your vagina. And…..some similar reasons to squat over a pot of steam….naked.  If you are interested….check out both articles.

First I want to share my initial reactions…..WHAT? WHAT?  JUST……WHAT?  RUFKM? VAGINAL STEAMING? WHAT? There were so many places to go with this….why? When? How? Where? Who thinks up this shit? Not enough words. Too many words. In my “new life” I have tried many new things. I figure…what the hell? And, then, I try to bring my friends to the table.  That doesn’t work so well. Mostly…..when I share some stuff…I really get a giggle out of their reactions. I cannot wait to discuss “vaginal steaming” with the crowd that thinks bikini area waxing and shaping should be done quarterly…..if at all.

And…here is my Whoopi Goldberg turn……is this stuff I never wanted to know? Was I happy in my “stupid, ignorant, sheltered married bubble”? Yes. Yes, I was. And, yet….I am so much happier than I was.  I am pretty sure it isn’t because I know all about “vaginal steaming”…..But, I am learning new things.  I am exploring new options.  I am feeling very strong in my voice. And, my path. Which, at this time, does not include vaginal steaming.

Two more things…….I recently received an email from ok cupid….a free dating website…it was asking what I thought the biggest dating deal breaker was.  Apparently, people would rather date someone who likes “golden showers” more than they would date Trump supporters. Again….so many words. Not enough words. WHAT? Why and on what planet does anyone think it is okay sending an email to anyone talking about golden showers? Seriously?  I know I fucking write porn….I don’t care. You know what you get when you buy my books or read my blog.  I am a potty-mouthed writer.  But, I join a free dating website and I get this crap?  Is that someone’s way of pushing me to do things that I might find uncomfortable or are they desensitizing me? Are they just assholes that think that shit is funny? Would anybody ever send an email to any married person about how to save their marriage by participating in golden showers.  FUCK NO!!!! Golden Slumbers.…for no reason except that I can’t get that song out of my head.

#2. On a side note…..I heard today that there is a new word for vagina…..vagine. Pronounced “vuhjeen”….you know. It’s French. Like Tarjaayyy…the french discount store.

I Miss My Skinny Little White Friends

I miss my skinny little white friends.  I don’t care that they were trying to kill me.  I love and miss them.  They were there for me when I was happy or sad or hungry or stressed. Or bored or waiting or talking on the phone. Or drinking or driving in my car…..but, not at the same time.  I could choose between tall or short and minty or not. They never failed to satisfy. Sometimes I needed two in a row.  I never ended up like Nic Cage’s character in Wild at Heart . In one of my all time favorite movie scenes…..Nic lights and smokes two cigarettes at once.  Cinematic genius. Not because of the smoking. Because of the sentiment and it was completely unexpected.

I love smoking. I know it is horrible for me. I have stopped and started many times.  It is hard. So hard.  But like the Joan Jett song, “I wanna walk, but I run back to you….” I have told myself if I am still healthy(ish) at 70….and, I don’t smoke any between now and then……I will smoke again. Until I die……

My favorite thing about quitting was all my friends’ “help”: chew gum, get the patch, go for a walk, do 5 push ups……….I don’t want to do any of that….I want to smoke. “Vape” they said.  There is NO SUBSTITUTE!!!!! And, I accept no substitutes…..but, what is this vaping thing?  Like any good writer, I did some research. “Vaping” is a blog for another day.  However, I did try it.  And, it is like nothing…..you inhale….and feel almost nothing (compared to smoking). My favorite thing about it is that it tasted good. And, there was no smell.  But, I found it to be mostly stupid.

Lucky for me, I didn’t love it….so, I will be saving money.  Also lucky for me, it didn’t drive me back to smoking.

I quit for all of the right reasons: health.  It was a good decision, doesn’t mean I don’t still think about it. I do.  I have smoking dreams……seriously. I still miss it. Every. Single. Day.

 

Bush is Following Me

As I type this title, I laugh to myself…..an erotic book author is writing about a Band named Bush. http://bushofficial.com/   Of course, it is 2017 – nobody has a bush anymore. Still amusing. Titles for this blog could have been: “There is a Bush on my Tail.” “Bush Follows Porn Author” “Porn Author followed by Bush everywhere she goes.” “If a Bush was going to follow you, what would it look like?” Jenna? W? Barbara?

I am constantly working on my writing.  I tell people I am “working on my book.”  They don’t really want the details, I figure. One friend finally replied….”when are you going to fucking finish that thing?” Haha. To be clear……writing the books is the fastest part. Editing takes about 800 times that long (or more).  The promoting, researching, reading, networking, and  learning….that is the real time consuming part.

I have been building my following on several media platforms…..Twitter being one of them.  I am having the best time….following people. Seeing what people do…..what they tweet. Who they are.  This has all been new…..and not everyone needs twitter…but, as a promotions tool, might be as good as any.

Twitter, like any good social media platform, is based on the premise that people want to be popular. You want followers….lots and lots of followers. You build your twitter following by following others, tweeting and retweeting things your followers have tweeted.  It is not complicated…but, it is a timesuck.  So, it is particularly fun when someone follows you that you have actually heard of…and you do not already follow them…..basically, they are asking to be your friend before you ask them…..for those who did not hang out in the popular crowd….super coolness…..

My first “celebrity” was a fellow erotica author who I have read. Find her here. That was pretty cool.  I bought and read her book and followed her on twitter. And now she was following me. I know that is how it works…but, it was still cool.  Then next was Mr Zog’s sex wax.  I had actually heard of them.  I had a few hundred followers and they had over 10K.  I was pretty excited about that.  That was fun.  I know what their products do and have used them….tweeting about Mr Zog’s and knowing the double takes those tweets will get, fun for me.  

But, today…..TODAY…..BUSH followed me……Bush…the band…..231k followers.  Two hundred and thirty one thousand followers!  I still have less than 2000.  I am so thrilled. So excited.  I feel so important……Not only have I heard of them, I have listened to them. I admit, I was going to boycott them because of the whole “cheating on Gwen thing”….but, then this happened.  Bummer. Sorry, Gwen. I can be a slut…I write porn after all. She won’t even miss me.  

Okay….maybe not “important”…but, legitimized…there is a better word, I can’t find it. Either way, it is fun and a little thrilling. And, no, I am certainly not finding my value in my followers.  Fun is always good so…what to do?  What do I tweet….what do I say? $231K.

The new single they are promoting is “Mad Love”…..funny…..I could use that name for my Hard Compliance series……maybe my characters can use it in the background…I will have to listen.  Maybe I will listen to it while editing the next book?

Incidentally, I just read that Kanye is no longer following “The Donald” on twitter…….hmmmm.  So much to say about that……

Keep America Beautiful 2.0

It was Christmas Eve, and I was driving with my brother and two teenagers. I stopped at the drive thru to get a magical diet coke from McDonalds. As any connoisseur of diet soda knows…….a fountain soda is the best option and the diet cokes at McD’s are perfect….the perfect mix of syrup and CO2. Then the big straw……so, I can get more to my mouth quicker…..add to that the $1.00 price tag for a large…..magic. While in the drive thru, my brother (he is older) tossed his empty soda can out the window into the bushes.  

“What? What are you doing? Littering…… in front of the kids? Dude…..”

“No problem” he replied……”some can collector will be by soon…..it’s not like real litter…..” We went back and forth for a few minutes when I said…….”you know what? I don’t litter…….because of the crying Indian.” He smiled, instantly going back. Way back. The teenagers, who hate being left out, are like “what?”

So, I told my kids the story of the commercial (it was actually a PSA). How the Indian was dressed like an Indian…headdress, Indian “costume”, a feather……and as I am describing it I am realizing how horribly horribly racist and stereotypical and just plain wrong it was. And, I started to laugh….until tears came out of my eyes.     The whole time teen-aged girl is like, “That is so wrong. That is not funny mom. That is racist….blah blah” like only a 15 year old know-it-all-can. And, now I can’t stop laughing…because it is all so ridiculous. Especially when I got to the part about the car driving by, throwing trash on the Indian. Causing him to shed a single tear…… I am trying to describe the commercial…but, it keeps getting worse and worse. Well, it keeps getting funnier and funnier.

By now…we were home and friends were over and they wanted to know what was so funny….because I had reached that point of no return….where I was just going to laugh until I calmed down…..breathe…….they are younger than I and never saw that PSA…so we looked it up online…….(where I discovered it was a PSA) and it starts out with the Indian rowing a canoe……so, now I am not able to breathe again I am laughing so hard….because I don’t think they believed me…..

Kids still not laughing.  All of the adults laughing.  Teenager still ranting “that is so wrong…”

Yes. It is. Racism is not funny. Stereotyping is not funny. The fact that anyone conceived that commercial and it was shown over and over AAAANNNNDDDDD everyone thought it was okay….is not funny “haha” but, funny like……”the world is flat” funny. Okay….that isn’t very funny.  But, this still tickles me.  Maybe the expression on my kids faces? Mostly it was so preposterous…..We have come so far.

I wrote this piece weeks ago, but I guess I knew it wasn’t finished. Since then, I have seen the “crying Indian” being discussed on on Friends…..a TV show same teenagers mentioned above are obsessed with.  And, recently someone posted it on FB.  Mentioning how much they loved that commercial and wondering why they didn’t show it anymore. So, I piped in….”racist, canoe, feather…..”  The responses I received to that were unpleasant. And they neglected to see the racism……OMG really?  Aren’t we the same people who are trying to decide if Washington should rename their team? People are funny. And, after I laugh, I write about it. Lucky you.

Thanks James Corden!

George Michael inspired Carpool Karaoke with James Corden? Fantastic!  I guess I am still writing about the musical losses in 2016. I just finished reading this article where the late night funny man and “driver” of mini car concerts writes about his love for George Michael and tells how George inspired his Carpool Karaoke.  I have been enjoying those videos. They remind me of the Bohemian Rhapsody scene in Wayne’s World….this is one of the best movie music scenes ever….it is truly iconic….I see it in my head whenever I hear the song. If you have not seen it, check it out on YouTube.

I love this. I love that he shared it and that he was able to share with George how impactful his music was to him. Truth is……we almost never know in what ways and to what lengths we influence other people. Or, have an influence on their lives. Many years ago, my dad used to plan these huge month-long trips to a tropical place.  He would reserve a bunch of rooms using RCI benefits and invite friends and family. There was always a “family” week…..where my sibs and close family friends descended for a week of fun and relaxation. The trips were fantastic….and, very loosely organized. We tried to have one big dinner with everyone during the week. Dad would always make a toast thanking everyone for coming because “we don’t know who will be here next year”.  And, he was right. Over the years we lost some people.  I think my dad’s influence made me change my ways. I vowed from that time forward that if someone impacted me in a positive way (especially if it was “change my life” impact)…..I would let them know.  Thank them for how they impacted me.

Truth is, I don’t think we can ever measure the impact people and places can have on our lives. And, music…..so universal, so individual. Music is the thread by which my life is stitched together……before drugs, alcohol, sex, exercise or anything else….when I need to celebrate or grieve….music is the first thing I think of to get me through.  Sad?  Play “I’ve Got a Feeling”  or “Spreading the Disease” Queensryche or “Boys are Back in Town”  by Thin Lizzy. While these might not seem like “happy” songs…..they sure make me smile.

What songs make me happy? Hard to pinpoint. There are songs that just make me bounce. Songs I associate with people or events that make me happy.  I could come up with a playlist for just about any mood or feel. And, I have. A blog for another day.

Music isn’t my “best friend”….but, it is my constant companion. Styx helped me through the angst of middle school. AC/DC, Aerosmith, Tom Petty, Golden Earring, and Joe Jackson got me through high school. Motley Crue, GNR, and live rock bars got me through college. Matchbox 20 and No Doubt….baby years. Pink, Metallica now….I could go on and on……but, I will spare you.

Many of us are influenced/impacted by the music in our lives.  Some more than others.  I love that James Corden celebrates music, his love for musicians and their impact on his life.

Thanks, James!

 

Grandmas – RUFKM?

Every year after Christmas and before the 2nd weekend of January, 3 friends and I get together for breakfast and shopping in the little town of Truckee.  3 of us drive ½ hour one way. The other comes 30 minutes from the opposite direction. We meet and have a mimosa breakfast filled with love, joy, and relief that the holidays are over. Truckee is a cute little town with quaint little shops. We go mostly for the 50% Christmas decorations and to hang out a bit after the bustle of the holidays.  Of the 3 in our car…..2 of us have been friends since high school and the 3rd is the sister of the one we are meeting. Get it? We all have kids.  Mine are still in school. My friend from high school has 2 recent college graduates who are single. And….the other 2 are or soon will be Grandmas.

I realized on January 1…no trip had been planned.  Weird. I wondered why? One friend has a 2 month old grand baby and the other is going to be a grandma early March. So…I texted my high school friend (and, it is when I say things like “I texted my friend” that I still feel young) and said…..

“Hey, did I miss the plan?”

“No. I don’t think there is a plan.”

I thought about it. Oh….I texted her…..”I was just thinking that there wasn’t a plan because two of our friends are too occupied with being grandmas.”

OUR. FRIENDS. ARE. GRANDMAS.

When the fuck did that happen?  And, I mean….when the fuck did that happen.  One minute I am so young and so thin and so energetic I can work a physical job for 40 hours a week while going to college full time….and still go out and bang my head all night. Smoking and drinking the entire way.  Now, I wake up tired. One minute I am too selfish to take care of a plant. And now I take care of a family.  And dogs. And I am a grandma. Well…not officially.  But, I could be. And my friends are. And. What the fuck?

At one time all my friends were dating and partying in college. Then all of my friends were getting married. Then all my friends were spitting out kids, buying houses;  then getting divorced and now grandmas?  The only thing left is death…….

I know how old I am (believe me, I know….I feel it) I know that I am old enough to have grandkids. I know my friends have grandkids…..I don’t even mind that they are grandmas.  But, I am at the stage where all of my friends are grandmas.  Grandmas. Which means…..you know. I look like a Grandma too. And, I hang out with grandmas (okay…not really….only one grandma friend do I see regularly….because she (like me) likes to go out occasionally…explore new things.  The other people I hang out with are younger……or not yet Grandmas. I feel like I’m invisible already (thanks, motherhood and marriage) and, now…..now…..I’m in the grandma group?

There is nothing even remotely hip and cool about Grandmas.

Not sure if I should knit something or put on my thigh high boots and see if I can get a senior discount at my fave watering hole on a glass of wine……..FUCK……

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2017!!!

Happy New Year!! 2016 had some tough moments……..but, for me, the bloodshed started in early December, 2015 with the death of Scott Weiland.  My friend and I discussed our shock at the time. His death was unexpected, but not surprising, really.  We discussed how you never really know anything. All the platitudes are true…..”you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, only the good die young, the future is not promised, each day is a gift”…blah, blah…..I could go on…but, you get it. Anyway….it seemed like only a few days later when Lemmy died. That hurt too. We knew he was sick….just hoped he would dominate it like he dominated metal. And, then in early 2016…Bowie….okay….now it was starting to feel personal…my childhood was dying.  Okay….not really…..how can I explain?  Let’s see….if I were the type of person to record meaningful personal life events on my body…..I would have tats with all of these people for one reason or another. (Of course, the first one would have been of Andy Gibb….but, I digress.)

I know it is not rational to mourn the loss of people you don’t know….but, each of these people touched me in some way that I found significant.  We grew up together.  Or, it felt like we had. So…while I did not cry or attend funerals or memorials….I was sad. Noticeably sad. And, then …Glenn Frey.  RUFKM?  The Eagles is the one band to share one thing……my mother, my daughter and I are all big fans. I remember long road trips with my mom listening to that greatest hits 8 – track over and over and over…..(which is a joke, because 8 – tracks never ended or stopped……more digression.)

So…..this was getting ridiculous.  ( I am not going to go through the whole list…so, stick with me……) The Eagles were on my bucket list. I had missed their most recent tour due to funds and a promise to “go no matter what” next tour.  Well, damn. Not sure if they would tour or not now……but, I am kind of a purist.  You need to have the essence of the band there…..(at the very least) or I won’t go. The Eagles are not the Eagles without Glenn Frey. This made me sad and angry (at people, money, divorce, courts, etc) and not sure what else. It is at this precise moment in time that I find myself at some silent fundraising auction.  And, there on the table is a guitar….signed by most of the Eagles (Okay….more purist…no Randy Meisner….now I have ventured into music minutiae for most of you….) and NOBODY is bidding on it. I have had 2 super strong but very tasty drinks on an empty stomach.  I think it is my job to start the bidding….just to get it rolling…but, surely…..someone will outbid my tiny little $1800 in order to own this piece of American history?  Surely.  

Ha!  I am definitely not Shirley. Nobody outbid me.  And, I didn’t care. I missed their concert dammit…I was getting the damn guitar…because NOBODY OUTBID ME!!! (I don’t have $1800 laying around to buy a $200 guitar with sharpie marks on it. I don’t have $18 laying around for the same thing.) I had buyer’s remorse for a little bit….but, I really got to thinking……..I could have gone to the show and taken my mom and daughter for less than I paid for that damn guitar.  Which would have been great for many reasons but, mostly because my Mom has passed since.

So…….I decided.  Life is short. Enjoy it. Eat dessert first……blah blah….Okay really…..if there is something I want…..I spend a little time evaluating my level of want, cost, etc.  If I will regret not going…then, I need to bite the bullet and find a way to make it happen (whatever it is….concert, dinner, trip, shoes, shot glasses, whatever).  

It is at this precise moment in time that I find myself at work, reading a review of the most recent GNR show in Las Vegas.  I had thought it was a one time reunion.  I was incorrect. They were on tour.  Well, hell…..tickets must be sold out, right?   No, they were not. I could score some fairly good seats in the next 2 minutes for the low low low cost of $275.

Each.

You have to buy 2. So you don’t have to sit and experience this alone.

Even if you have no one to take.  Well…that isn’t fair……I have plenty of people to take….but, who will appreciate it $275 worth? And, don’t forget driving, parking, food, drinks, dinner…….(I skipped the souvenir….hahaha). But, $275 EACH?  WTF?  And I was under pressure….because I just knew if I didn’t buy tickets right this minute…they will sell out and there will never be another tour and, and, and…..well.  I bought them. Life is short.  And, then I called the one person in the world I thought would not think I was out of my mind. He works in radio, is a musician, lover of music, and manages bands and organizes tours. His reply, “We were just discussing this at work…..what does the person look like that would spend that much money to see that band?”

Me….that stupid person would look like me. I blamed it on Glenn Frey and the damn guitar.

It really has been on ongoing process for me. For the last few years, I have been giving up expectations, setting goals, and being thankful for EVERYTHING!  People probably think I’m the village idiot..walking around happy all the time with a big dumb grin on my face….but, I don’t care.  I’m happy. I’m not judging.  I still get disappointed and sad…but, not as often.  Seems when you spend so much time being thankful and working towards goals, that is what happens……you are happy and content.  Well.  That is what happened to me. Not everyday is a warm sunny beach. But, the beach, on a crappy day, is still the beach. And, I LOVE the beach.

And, that is the very long explanation for why I didn’t hate 2016.  I had a great year. I was thankful for all experiences…I achieved some goals…….I sat around thinking how happy I was.  Have I discovered the key? The key to being happy?  I am a fairly happy person anyway. But, this year…..I am sooooo happy. 2016 cut my childhood away in tiny little slices…..and, then it died. Maybe it needed to. Maybe because of all of this. Or in spite of it, I became more present this year. AWESOME!

Do You Know Jack?

It has been a challenging week. One of my coworkers passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. While driving into work, I received a frantic call from one of my employees. She was hysterical. After a few minutes, I was able to weave together a story: Let’s call the employee who passed away, “Bob.”  Bob died suddenly in front of his family. They called 911, and Bob’s wife went to hospital with her soon to be deceased husband. The 3 children (of unknown ages) were home alone and they were also frantic and hysterical. The employee that called me was on her way to their “house” (Damn, I love quotation marks) on foot…because she didn’t have a car. He must live close, I thought. Well, this was fun.

I called my boss and advised of situation and headed to pick up my walking employee. When I picked her up, she was headed the wrong way and was obviously an emotional disaster. Fantastic. I would really like to know when I became the “calm one”, because as my family can attest…..I was the “Stress Queen.” about everything…..all the time. But, I digress……..

We headed to their place, I had no idea what I would find. I was a little worried, though. I had owned rental properties and had seen some horrific things……would I see something I didn’t want to see? (haha…..just wait) When the widow opened the door, I was glad to know that the kids were not alone. The “kids” were teenagers. The death had happened the day before. In this very room. The apartment was meticulous. Small…..probably 2 or 3 bedroom. 2 adults and 3 teenagers. In a small place, if one thing is out of order, the place looks like a wreck. This home was peaceful, the violence of the day before leaving no trace. The entire leftover family was devastated. Crying. Sobbing. The widow has been in this country and married to her husband for 20 years. Her English was not so good. She had never worked outside the home. She didn’t drive. Her dead husband, and my employee, worked hard and made @$14.00/hour. This family felt isolated, their future uncertain. I wanted to cry.

After confirming the passing of my coworker, and calming down the widow, I took my other employee and we headed into work. Except, she was so distraught, she needed to go home. After I dropped her off, I headed into work. This was shaping up to be a fantastic day….did I mention it was a Monday?

Once an announcement was made, everyone was in kind of shock. Some crying, some stunned. Everyone quiet. I was wandering around making sure all were doing “okay” when I heard very loud sobbing behind me.  Turned out it was a 22 year old female who had just read the news when she arrived. I brought her to a quiet office where she could compose herself and she proceeded to verbally throw up on me: she and the deceased had been dating (despite the 30 year age difference); they were in love; they had spent the day before in bed and “he was so happy he was jumping all over the bed”….not a visual I want seared into my brain…..a 53 year old balding man (that I worked with) jumping naked on the bed like a 5 year old. She went on and on…..seriously, why on earth would she tell me this? This was worse (yet funnier) than anything I had ever seen inside any of my rentals.  

And that is where I am…..saddened and worried about the family and saddened by the devastated 22 year old. Surprised and a little bit impressed by my fellow coworker. And, disgusted, totally disgusted. Taking advantage of young, ignorant girls. However, I was 22 once and I made all of my own decisions. Good or bad.  But, someone old enough to be your father and in a position of authority should know better.

The next day, the 22 year old was still in a state. She felt that the rest of the office was talking about her (they were). She thought management had spread her story (we hadn’t). After all, she had only told 5 or 6 other people that work here……..

We had been investigating this employee for lots of overtime reported, but not actually worked. (Now it looked like we had been providing a lovers nest and paying for him to “love” in it.) We had been trying to figure out why he needed the money all of a sudden. In addition to that, we had been working with him regarding some of his behaviours and it looked like he was about to be in the middle of a career shit storm. I am sorry for his family and all of our loss. I really am. But, as the layers of this “cheating” onion are unpeeled and more secrets (more girlfriends, possible pregnancies, et al) are revealed…..I find that I can do nothing but laugh and laugh and laugh……..he was doing all of this right under our noses. And this stuff was huge…..I wasn’t planning to attend the funeral….but, now….now, I am thinking this could be entertaining. And devastating. Sad. But, funny. Tragic, but funny.

You think you know people………