One Gigantic Dick

I’m way behind on my blogs and most other things in my life. But, I’m so exhausted….I’m almost ready to have those fantasies of being put into the hospital for exhaustion…..almost….but, not quite. And some people find time for that creepy little elf on a shelf.

So, you know, I gotta be motivated. I have tens of blogs waiting to be finished for publication, but I really am going to need to be motivated to rise above all of my exhaustion and whining. Plus, the teenage pit viper my son and I live with, doesn’t like me again. This time I’m a “liar”. Is that a step up or a step down from “lazy”? I can’t keep up with all the teenager slang. So, I could have written teenagers are assholes #2….but, that isn’t much fun.

And then….my friend, and fellow author, Terri George posted this: see big painted dick here .

I immediately replied to her…that this is how my blogs write themselves. “Enormous Penis Pops up” in New York. I mean, how fun is that already?  From the headline, I can see that an artist has painted this 4-story pink love gun on a building in New York.  So, I look. Wow! It is pretty big. Is it art? I don’t know and I am not sure I even care. Because already, these thoughts “pop up” in my head:

  1. Without balls, just looks weird.
  2. Way too much pink…I haven’t seen that much since the pit viper was 5
  3. Talk about penis envy.
  4. Why does it appear hard instead of limp?
  5. I need better photos.
  6. They painted over it already?
  7. Is this a joke? Is this a dick joke? Is this a limp dick joke?
  8. Do you need one, have one, or are you one?
  9. Really….why don’t you have any balls?
  10. This artist normally paints vaginas but, thought she would mix it up..
  11. The article calls the artist “cocky.” (You will also see: erect, member, etc.)

Seriously….I could just sit here and write the blogs that write themselves all day. I don’t even have to go looking for material. It is fucking everywhere. An enormous penis painted on a wall in New York. I meant what the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Why? Not “why not?”, WHY? What is the point? To shock? C’mon….Madonna already wears the crown of “shock by cock.”  This seems original but, it really isn’t. I wouldn’t call it art. We call them private parts for a reason.

I personally don’t care. But, I think it is unnecessary. I’m frequently called on the carpet for my frequent and constant use of profanity. I’m called “lazy” (oh, maybe pit viper is on to something:)) and lacking in class, and many other fun and judgy things. These are fair, though not really legitimate, opinions. I think a penis that needs an elevator is lazy as far as art goes. It is easy. Next? Tits? Ass? Pussy?  Then what?  And, really why?  We are just steps away from porn. And, while I write erotica, I still think it has a time and a place.

Article claims that in addition to being art, it will “continue sexual harassment conversations”. I would argue, strongly, that this big dick is just a continuation of same. She did do a fantastic job, though. She did it quickly, but it looks remarkably lifelike – minus the balls.

I can’t decide what I want to be today: political, bitchy, hormonal, sympathetic, soap-boxy, funny. Oh man, do the holidays wreak havoc on everything.

Another Masturbating Blog

Welcome, everyone, to another edition of “Bianca’s Blog Writes Itself!”  Today….I read an article about a new app and “toy that goes with app” that I think is worthy of a blog mention……

Also worthy of noting (nothing?) is that many of my masturbating blogs (I wonder….does that phrase work?  I’m not sure..you know, it does itself?) begin in other countries….we are soooo puritanical here in the States.  But, I digress.

A British company, British Condoms …..BC has announced that they have almost one million pre-orders for i.Con……a smart condom. I didn’t know condoms could be smart or dumb….

Here is what I want in a smart condom…I’m really not sure how I would facilitate this…but, maybe a color system?  If the guy wearing it is a douche….it lights up blue.  If the guy wearing it has been with someone else in last 24 hours….red light; last 7 days…..yellow light. If the guy has been with both sides….gray….If the guy wearing it has mommy issues…..purple. If the guy is still trying to figure out his sexuality……..If the guy listens to country music. If the guy washed his hands last….you know….and, it would be great if we could program or choose the questions that are important to us. You get my point.

Here is what it does….it measures thrust velocity, number of thrusts, duration, calories burned…..and, maybe many other things…I had to stop reading.  You know….because this doesn’t sound like a “smart” condom to me. It does beg the question……what are the app users going to do with the information? Put it on their eHarmony profile? Not fucking likely.

And, because you know I can’t let stuff go and nobody EVER gives me enough information, here are some of the questions that immediately come (writing erotica makes words so much more fun)  to mind. Smart British Condoms…..do they make you British? Can only Britts wear them? Can these condoms go only in Britts? Can only Britts come while wearing/receiving? I could go on and on and on……

Why do they always make stuff for men?  Stupid. So much is wasted………who cares about his thrust ability (or whatever that thing measures)? Certainly not any woman I know.  Can you get the job done and do you take care of me?  Those are the real questions.

I’m Gonna Miss You Matt Lauer

I’m gonna miss you Matt Lauer…especially at Halloween……

Now is a good time to be a woman in the workplace…lots of positions are opening up…..seriously, it is probably time I weigh in….erotica writer and all.  I’m the resident sexpert amongst my friends. With all of these sexual misconduct allegations….it gives me lot to think about.  I have a daughter, I work in an environment where men and women supervise men and women.  

One of the guys who works for me was wearing these cool leather converse shoes….brown leather.  The teenagers and I are converse fans so I leaned over to touch one of his shoes….because I am 5 and I touch stuff…..funny….I always ask the women I am going to touch …. Never the men….hmmm…

Anyway…he said, “thanks for the sexual harassment, please don’t touch me” Whatever, asshole……my forefinger barely grazed his shoe…if he didn’t see it, he wouldn’t have known it and yet…….

He is right.  And if I have to worry about sexual harassment at work…so do men. Fuck.

Remember when I was mentioning about my rich wino friends? Well…their response to sexual harassment irritated the fuck out of me.  They thought….”well..there are laws…honestly…it’s going to happen, Boys will be boys..….blah blah.” Basically, a big fat, “who cares?”

I think I finally know why I get so bent out of shape when people are apathetic about this topic or do not share my views. I was mentally and emotionally abused by someone I lived with. He may not have been doing it intentionally (and, if he was…the ramifications of that….) but, he was still doing it.  I spent years trying to get myself back together.  It took forfuckingever to recover. It was a struggle….it was really hard and I was going through other things related. I went through all of the questions: How could I let this go on? Why did I let it go on on and on for so long? Why did I become a victim? What is horribly wrong with me? No reason? No daddy issues well raised. Good self esteem.  My issues were minor in comparison. Not to diminish other experiences, but some of these women make me look like a whiner. There are experiences on all ends of the sexual abuse scale. I am merely saying that if my abuse had been at a different level, who knows how long it would have taken me to come back.

I’m not surprised to hear about all of the allegations….sad a little…but, glad that if these things are true…I’m happy to hear about all of the no tolerance situations…..makes me happy as a mom….why did these women wait so long? I know why…it is embarrassing and degrading and you just want it to go away and you think if you ignore it, it will go away…but, it never does…NBC is going to save millions….but, wow….I’m happy these women are finding the courage to come forward….

Part of issue…is not just the courage to face their accusers…but, to face themselves in that fucking mirror….why did I wait so long? Why did I let it happen? Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I save all those poor women who came after me? What about the ones before? Was I the first?  Blah blah.  And all of those questions you swept under the rug are back and worse. And now, not only do you have to face the accuser, you have to admit what happened and everyone will know and then you have to answer the questions you tried to avoid and then….and then…the really hard shit happens…you have to fix all the shit that got you where you sit (shit?) today.  Women are NEVER NEVER NEVER  to blame for the sexual harassment of men…assholes…. But, we have to fix all the stuff that comes after and that comes up after.

And as we all know…it is much easier to stay in the relationship that is not quite than it is to start over. It is easier to stay in any fucked up relationship than to change or easier to stay in a crappy job….as soon as you admit there is a problem and all of that…..

And one last thing…so many of these companies are so quick to fire….why? Do they have something to hide? Are they mitigating their damages? Are they afraid now in face of current public climate? Did they know all along? Of fucking course they did….assholes.  Probably men.

And then our jackass of a president threw the whole topic out in favor of some dumb bull shit comment about fake news.  I don’t care if you are the president and you think such fucking stupid things.  Please, please, please…..Keep those stupid things to yourself and shut the fuck up….

Or, maybe we should start talking about fake marriages, fake hair, fake children, fake cheetos makeup……

Where Have You Been All of My Life?

What is it with me and blondes lately?  Seriously.  I have never really had a “type”……I have dated them all. Well…not like that.  But, Dexter Holland, lead singer of the Offspring, is the blond that started my downward (?) spiral.

Dex, Dex, Dex….where have you been all of my life? I feel a little too old to have a teenage crush on a rockstar….but, this one….you are going to love him too. And….he is perfect for me…..

First…..let’s start with who he is for the uninitiated….the Offspring is a punk/surf/skater/metal mariachi/ska Southern California rock band. Most of you are going to say….”Never heard of them. Now or when you mentioned them a few blogs back. They must be new.”

“They are not fucking new”…..I state incredulously….really…this is one of the most underrated bands I have ever seen.  They have been around almost 30 years……Still don’t know why I get so irritated, though. Here is their first hit; my current favorite – the first verse is genius; discourse on “kids today”; the one you know.

I probably should have started with the most important thing…he has the cutest dimples. OMG…the cutest….and, I don’t really even like them.  This kid must have gotten away with everything when he was younger……I had no idea dimples would translate so well on an aging rockstar. (For years I listened to this band. A dimpled, baby faced blond was not at all who I pictured in my head until a few years ago.)

So, I went back…..OMG was he cute back in his day (like I said….where has he been?).  He and I are the same age, but he graduated a year later than I (I was a prodigy—I skipped Kindergarten) as class Valedictorian….I wasn’t the class smarty pants….it was an all girls College Prep school…we were all smarty pants….I did okay, but not top of my class. Funny…looking back (trying to describe my studenting) I would say my sister was the troublemaker, I was the angel. Not really so….2 troublemakers. It is probably a good thing we didn’t hang out much back then….apart we were minor little rebels, together….who knows?

Just for drill….he would have been perfect for me back then…sans the blond hair. I was dating a ginger who couldn’t get his life together so I walked. Dex was smart and he played in rebel band. Mostly I would have loved bringing him home because Mom wouldn’t have been able to find fault. She sure liked that other valedictorian I brought home. He is an actual doctor now. But, I digress.

Like many rock stars…these boys started a band with no musical training. Youth. I think their original drummer left the band to become an OB/GYN….a drummer with a medical license to do those things? Thank the rock gods he left before that happened!

I could write about Dex, my current crush, for days (need a new publicist, Dex?).  But, I want to tell you my two favorite things about him……well….after those dimples….#1 is his songwriting ability……seriously…..the Worst Hangover Ever….making deals with God, I’ll do anything….I swear….he wrote and sings what was in my 25 year old hungover head. Great song and well delivered. Why it is not a headbanger’s anthem, I have no idea. Truly, if you listen to his songs, really listen…..he isn’t advocating a loser, punk/rock lifestyle of drugs, sex, and joblessness. He is marching against it….raging against the machine (see what I did there?) of apathy and attitude. He lives his life the same way. Doctorate and all. #2…..that Doctorate. I love that he pursued school while working in a punk band. You have no idea how hard that is. Remember how hard it was to go to college AND party? This guy was getting good grades and fronting a punk band. I’m impressed. I can just hear his parents…and his friends…And, then, he had to decide between his 2 loves…..and, he chose music, the creative one….which I adore. And, then…..after he had conquered that, he put it on pause and he went back to finish school.  See, Mom and Dad……just because you drop out…doesn’t mean you won’t go back and finish some day…..Dex did it….and, I adore that. So…..you know…he is pissing parents off….

He kinda is the real punk rocker…..raging against their own attitudes and lifestyle.

Of course…I bought their 3rd and 5th album and then really got into  them when teaching the girl all she needs to know about music……late to the party.

Also worthy to note……he was/is married to a hair stylist……shocker!  I was on to something with my Rockstar Mondays….has-band or not…in my….I have a Muse blog.

Last…………………….

Went out for my birthday lunch to check out a local bar….without my glasses…”Is that Dexter Holland’s hot sauce on the bar?”…25 year old waitress, just because I look like your mom doesn’t mean I am your mom……and……man, that guy is everywhere I go…..

Are you stalking me, Dex? You don’t need to.  According to Wiki we are a perfect match…call me. If I’m going to date a singer, it might as well be you.

Say It Ain’t So

There are so many themes that ribbon themselves through my life.  One is….I am always late to the party.  Not the real party (I am the worst guest……I show up early to help and stay when it’s over to help…really.  You have to tell me to go the fuck home.  And, people have.) What I mean is….I am always discovering something “new.”  I walk around on a cloud (I still possess some of that wide-eyed wonder of a child on Christmas morning) and am so happy.  I want to tell everyone.  The do not care.  I stand around in bliss and think, “Eh…they will follow me down the road eventually.”  

And, then….whatever it is….Sublime….discovered months later that they had already lost their lead singer. Friends….the tv show. I found it way after everyone else. I found Hootie and No Doubt and Matchbox 20….all on Behind the Music.  If you are old enough, you know what that means……has-bands already.  And, that is my point.  I am always the last to know.  Freddie Mercury died of AIDS.  When I expressed surprise to my sister that Freddie was gay, she replied, “My God Bianca, the band’s name was ‘Queen.’”  Rob Halford had been out of the closet….perhaps it was the movie “Rockstar” who spilled it for me.  I could go on and on (you know I can)…but you get my point.

So…today it is with much sadness I find out that Van’s Warped Tour is going to be ending after it’s 24th year. …2018. Right?  I found them in August.  I have been raving about the Tour for months…to anyone that will listen. I blogged about it. And, I am going to miss it. We are all going to miss it.

It was a fantastic place where you could see and meet and take pictures with your favorite new bands.  You could find new bands. And, if you don’t know…..it is a place where everyone is welcomed. I was awestruck as I looked around at the crowd this summer. So many misfits and kids that are hurting – you can just tell. Kids that perhaps do not fit in everywhere.  And, all co-existing peacefully, happily.  I am sure there was some sort of disturbance, but I never saw one. No loud, fighting drunks (almost every rock show I went to in the 80’s and 90’s when I was young and at the most recent Tom Petty – I miss you – show I attended.). Nobody openly doing lines (as I have witnessed in bars and bathrooms). Nobody having sex in front of everybody else (frickin’ everywhere). Nobody using the parking lot like a toilet (bars, concerts…).  Nobody using duct tape to cover their nipples so they can walk around almost naked (Ozzfest).  

I didn’t feel like I had to hide my kids eyes or have 420 discussions about “choices.” This was a phenomenal concert experience that I am sorry will be ending.  Really sorry.  I will definitely be attending the last event with at least one of the teenagers I live with. And, I will not be “rocking out at Warped until I’m in a wheelchair.” as I threatened to do when we left after the last band this summer. Bummer.

I would also like to give a huge shout out to Kevin (of course your name is Kevin…..) Lyman….Van’s Warped Tour Founder. What a fantastic escape you created for kids of all ages. I was completely impressed with the quality of bands, performances, and equipment.  The whole “Parent Tent” – genius….if the idea was not yours, you executed it quite well. I didn’t spend much time there as I attended for the music….but, what a grea tidea for all these helicopter parents.  And…I did love the A/C!!!  I also loved that as a parent of a teen concert goer, you could obtain a free ticket to bring them in to supervise—– fantastic way to keep some peace at your concerts and for your fans…and..some of us don’t have a lot of $$$. This allows us to attend with our kids who may not be old enough to go on their own.  Also….and, last thing….the ticket prices were ridiculously reasonable…again…THANK YOU.

I am sad, but I will see you next Summer.

Let Them Eat Cake

“Let Them Eat Cake” is a famous phrase. If you haven’t heard it….look it up.  Much has been made of what it means……but, short version….words uttered hundreds of years ago by some bitchy nobility wife. Their subjects were hungry/poor and they were having a lavish party…somebody pointed out dichotomy to her and she spat out those four words. So…was she saying….”fuck them” or, “oh…let’s share the cake” because she was so clueless and removed from real life?

I don’t know.  I also say I am not going to get political on this blog. And, while this is not political, per se…it is a huge hot button right now. I just spent a beautiful wine filled weekend in the Napa Valley with 3 married friends of mine.  These women are all married to the men they met in college. While they may not all be college grads, their spouses and all of their Gap Kids children are.  All of them live in country club neighborhoods and play tennis.  Only one gets botox, though.

We were discussing “white privilege”….well…that is the topic I was hoping to discuss. I wanted to know how they felt about. Did they think it existed. Did they agree? Disagree? Did they have a solution? It is a topic in their conversations?  I have no idea…..we never got that far.  

The most vocal of the 3 basically (I am skipping a lot) told me that if I did not have a solution, I should not express my opinion.  Wow!  I wasn’t saying we had a problem. But, we definitely have a problem. Or, I do. When did my friends all become so closed minded? When?  I have been noticing it more and more lately.

It seems to coincide with the changes in my life….divorce, writing, retirement planning. I keep saying that I am in a different place in my life. And, I am. Did I want to be a single, divorced mother of 2 who had to construct a whole new life? Did I want to struggle as hard as I did? The answer is….FUCK NO!!!!  But, I did. And, here I am. Better for the experience. At least, I think I am better. And, I am not jealous of my friends. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I did. But, my life plan is ever changing. I don’t have the luxury to know right now that I am set for the rest of my days or how I will be spending them. My kids are still teenagers….hopefully I won’t be doing Glamma duty for a long time. Big changes still in my future. For years, the “loss” of my “life” was devastating. Now, I am grateful. But, I didn’t get here magically.  

The truth is…..I am fired up.  But not about white privilege. Or about what happened to me. I’m fired up because I’m sad that some people see no reality other than their own. I’m fired up because people I know and love are so narrow and closed minded. I have not made any drastic changes…I still think the some things. I am just willing to go beyond my own experience now. It’s funny. Here I go again…..wishing Mom was alive so I could call her and give her vindication.

When I was in my early 20’s…okay….my mid twenties, I made some changes. I quit going to post-grad school. I quit making “rocker” bars the center of my life (coincidence? I think not). It was not easy…I was fighting with my friends…sort of like now. I must have been venting (in my twenties that looked like a minor tantrum) to my poor mother. She said…..”Bianca, sounds like you are growing up.”  To which I stomped my foot and replied, “I thought I was already grown up?!” – yes….irony.  I see it. I saw it then, too….

A therapist later told me that we can grow through “growth spurts” like that for our entire lives.  Which sounded scary stupid at the time. Those spurts caused great pain. But, now…..so thankful for them….means I am alive and still changing and growing. A Rolling Stone…..so to speak.

I Found My Muse!

I have a muse. I am definitely a real writer now.  I HAVE A MUSE!!!! I am so excited. I didn’t know I needed one (of course, when you write erotica……) More than just a muse, I received a fantastic gift. Here is what happened:

I keep tweeting that we broke up but the truth is ….. I am always going to love him. Always. But, I know there is more…..than 1.  He was just the 1st “love of my life”…..so….I put the picture away…..and ignored him.  For 6 months…and a few weeks ago, he came back….the same as before….but, I was not the same……instead of eagerly taking him back…as I had every other time…..I responded. Crisp and cool. Not cold. Not warm and definitely not HOT! Scared him I guess, because he hasn’t replied.  He will, I know.  But, not sure I care anymore.

And, then last week….I was at a local bar watching a really good local band with some friends…..and HE walks in!!!!  Like he is being chased by a spotlight whose bright blinding light is bouncing right off his overly processed blonde head. I’m guessing….actually, now that I think about it…his hair looks remarkably like it always has. I know I can only grow grey these days and I don’t know any natural blonds in our box group who don’t process…so, who does it? Does he do it at home? A lot of celebs marry their hair stylist, now I know why.  

With a laugh, I realize, I already know where he gets it done….he goes to the local salon owned by another has-band (yes…he married a stylist, too).  He probably goes on “RockStar Mondays”…..incognito.  Hair salons are closed on Mondays – probably for just this reason – the celebs (real or imagined) wear dark glasses (and maybe hats) and arrive through the back…probably not in limos….this is Northern Ca after all. Then they can sit around in foil and color under dryers while they try to look….you know, cool and manly. However it happens…..his stylist does great color.

I can’t help but notice him as he heads towards our table…(spotlight beacon and all)….all I can think is “what is he doing here?”  What the F is he doing here? It was a little like lightning (odd?).  I mean why not?  I was here. True. But, I also had not played to live audiences all over the globe as recently as last year. And…..as I think about it….there are only a few decent venues in town where you could find good live music in this tiny town. This bar is okay…cheap booze and they do book good bands. If I wanted to stalk/meet him…all I need to do is hang at one of the 3 venues when a good band is playing and eventually it will happen. We have been in more than one bar or event at the same time over the years.

On this warm, late summer night, easily one of the best bands in No Cal is in this club. They need more fans…..they will get them. They are really good. But, at the time, a Saturday night and 20 people in the bar…seemed an unlikely place for a B- list celeb.  Maybe he is important…..but, he is so nice and easy that it is easy to forget. Plus…this is No Cal…we aren’t impressed with celebs. Music doesn’t garner the same respect here as in other cities.  Hard to say….  If you are not in the music industry or into metal…you will not know his name. If you are under 30…you will not know his name. I could go on and on…..plus….I have seen him dozens of times in these live  venues. He is always pleasant, always nice and always alone….a fact that had escaped me until now. Okay…I will admit…before this very moment…I never cared. At all. For a million reasons…blonde, bass player, local, not big enough and not quite nobody (I personally don’t care his “status”…but, musicians usually care and I had already spent a marriage with a frustrated one). And you know…the obvious real reason is…musicians aren’t made from unicorn glitter like some people might think. Okay…nobody over 12 thinks that.  But, you get my point.

Doesn’t matter now, because….well…I can’t stop staring. Not sure when the last time was that that happened.  What am I so captivated by? He is not bad looking….not model pretty (which is a good thing)….nice masculine features (so many musicians have little pixie faces)….amazing skin, really. He is clean. Not only clean…he lacks the one thing all rock stars have. He has the one thing I haven’t seen on a musician in years……ink free arms. Wow….I like it. Who knew?

I have an eclectic group of friends……but, this could be the dividing line…..if I brought him to a party with group one….they would think “for fuck’s sake, Bianca….stop dating musicians. You keep saying that you are going to but you never do.  Does this one have a job? Play drums?”  They would accept him and be nice to him….but, they would have no idea who he is. And they would think he is making payments on that sissy little white Mercedes he drives around while he lives in his tiny college apartment. Or, his mother’s basement. It is taking my friends a whole lot longer to get over my divorce…..obviously.

The other group….well…..½ of them would say….”hey….Dave”…the other half would be…..”how does she know Dave? I wanna meet Dave.”

But, you know what…none of this is the issue or point….the point is…. I have spent 30 years thinking that there was only one for me. As soon as I let him go….as soon as I let him go….I find someone. Now….I know….you are going to say…what makes him the one? Do you even have a date? Does he know your name?  You don’t even know him. What makes you think he is interested in you? And….I will say……there are about 10 immediate reasons reasons for me not to date this gay……(hahahahahaha…I typed “gay” when I meant guy”).

And..yes…we’ve been introduced.  But….here is what he gave me. The best gift.

30 years. Haven’t met anyone that I was remotely interested in. Haven’t met anyone who was ever on the same level in my heart.  But, here he was…..someone who could actually fill that void. Which means……there are people who could fill that void. This one was nice, some baggage….but, no kids, no crazy exes, no drug problem, loves his work, independent, not trying to sleep with all the 20 year olds. He had an easy-going personality and people loved him. He was gracious to fans in the most easy going and non impressed with himself way. He was funny and fun….stone cold sober. And he had the nicest smile. He wore jeans for a living. He was tall. He was blonde…but, I could live with that. This one is one I could see myself with…on paper anyway. So….know what that means?…..there are others. And they don’t all have to be working financially stable musicians. God…I hope none of them are. I have no illusions about our future…..because what future? I may still be single…and horny as hell….but, I have hope now. I had hope before….but, now….now I have a muse AND hope.

And….I am aware that there is a little romanticism in my description above….beer goggles, so to speak.  So…..all I’m saying is I liked what I saw…..and, it has been some time since I got all bunched up.

So…as Carrie and I are reviewing the evening she mentions something about him….” he looks just like he did back in the day….”  And, it clicked……1989 had walked right into the bar….and into my life.  And…boys and girls…..you can take the girl out of the 80’s….but, you can’t take the 80’s out of the girl. And, then she says,…….”you have a muse!”

“No, I don’t.” Because I am too old to “fan girl” and I never gushed (writing erotica makes word choices so much more fun) over him before.  But, the next day…..I wake up smiling and singing a song from the band the other night.  I have a muse.  YAY!!!!

I love how life lets you know when you are headed in the right direction.  

(The moral if you missed it is……you have to let go of what isn’t working before you can move on to something that does.)

Parenting is Fucking Hard

So……I am in this ongoing battle to rid the 13 year old boy of video games and his addiction to glowing boxes.  His dad and I kept him away from game boys and home video systems (except wii – that will probably put him in counseling later) for a long time…..5th Grade…..so, I thought we wouldn’t have any of these issues…after all….the girl likes her phone..but, she is not addicted.  I am going to skip to the good stuff……really.

The boy is supposed to park his phone on the kitchen counter when he goes to bed. When I notice it is not there….I go in search of it…..for a while it was easy to catch my son on his phone in his room.  He usually closed the door. Then he got good at listening for me to come down the hall and better at predicting when I would “surprise” him with an open door.  I let him win very, very occasionally…cuz, the game is a little fun.  Plus…confidence makes kids stupid.  Last night….I was going to win. And I did. Boy, did I “win!” I took the phone away last night and went downstairs. I didn’t actually “win” until the next morning.

Irritated, I decided to not charge it and to take it away for a week or so. But, a few minutes later boy comes down stairs and reminds me how difficult it is to locate him when he doesn’t have a phone. Whatevs. I went to bed.

Next morning, I am racing out to work and realize the girl didn’t have school. I decide to set the alarm on my sons phone and put it in his room so he wasn’t late for school and also so I could locate him at his game later in the day.  As I used his password (it might seem like I hardly parent my children….not so…I have passwords and full access to their electronics.) to unlock the phone….something catches my eyes. They got really big and I immediately turned the phone to dark.

Then I thought….”Wait a minute….I’m an adult….I can look at porn.” —– I know…believe me, the behavior and the irony are not at all lost on me.  So….I open it back up and sure enough….my innocent 13 year old boy is looking at porn on his phone.

Newsbreak:  OF COURSE HE IS!!!!!! So….I decide to investigate a little….15 minute video? WOW!!!!!!  I skipped around through it….and discovered….just normal upper middle class white vanilla stuff…..no tatts.  No fake tits.  Just Girl on top, Girl giving blow job. Normal. Normal Stuff.  

So….While I was not devastated or immediately concerned or freaked out…..It was still a surprise. This is normal stuff. Normal behavior for anyone….especially for a 13 year old boy. I could blog about this morning for hours…but, I’m getting to the next part.  I called a friend…who has boys….for support and advice.  I wanted to ask her about a friend she had recently mentioned whose son was addicted to the internet and what they were doing to help him.  And, she dropped this…….her friend….her son is 13.  He is not just addicted to his phone and the internet…he is addicted to porn. He is depressed, on medication, in counseling and it has really effed his young life up.

And, just like that….sirens go off in my head.  How many of my friends have sons who are/were “addicted to video games.” Okay…before I call all of my friends lying bitches…..I am sure that most of my friends whose sons “were addicted to video games” were.  But, among all the people I know….someone just had to have a kid who was addicted to video porn…not video games.  You know. I get it.  Who wants to admit this stuff about their kid? Who wants to admit that they have failed as a parent?

Well…..news flash scaredy cats……share your stories…we could learn.  Maybe the world would be a more forgiving place. And…maybe you could help another parent avoid some of the pitfalls of parenthood.  Or…maybe, just maybe….you might find out you are not the only one. You might make a friend. Learn a new coping skill.  Hear a new idea. And…by the way……you have not failed. Parenting is a marathon event. Make a mistake. Fix it. Move on.  Love your kid.

I do not think my kid is addicted to porn…..but, I am definitely going to have to put the kibbosh on this.  I cannot wait to hear the “truth” as I share my story with my friends.  I am sure you will be reading about it.  

2 final random thoughts…..I am going to stop bitching about my friends not supporting my passion…..because if they don’t read my blog, they can’t get angry when I write about them. And….it occurs to me….I never have had a problem sharing my story (okay…took me awhile to get comfortable telling people I write erotica….) and that may stem from my habit of seeking people out and finding out what we have in common so we can interact.  Maybe others are more aware of their differences…than the things they have in common.

Ah Tom, My Heart is Breaking…..

What The Fuck?  And, I mean:  What? The? Fuck?  We lost another one.  A big one.  My favorite one.  The one whose music has been in my ears since “American Girl” hit the airwaves.  The one whose pictures (45 sleeves) were taped up in my locker for all 4 years of high school. The one who I try to see on every tour simply because he is my favorite. This loss is huge……even if he has already made his impact on the music world and it is unlikely he would have broken new ground or released something so big…he became a household name again.  But, I am going to miss him all the same.

I know who he is.  You know who he is….but, many kids today don’t know.  Don’t care.  And that is probably okay….his impact has already shaped much of the music they are listening to anyway. But, I no longer breathe the same air that he does. I no longer live in a world where he does. And, I no longer will be able to see or hear him perform any of my favorite songs live.  And, that is heartbreaking…..no pun intended.

I saw him a few weeks ago…..40th Anniversary and all.  Awesome show. Solid. Always a joy to be in the presence of rock and roll greatness.  To witness the professionalism, the tightness of a band that has been playing together foralmostfuckingever, and to just enjoy it so damn much….always a pleasure. While I am aware many musicians (including Petty) deliver a scripted show…..I am good with that.  It demonstrates all that Tom Petty believes in musically…..work hard, deliver your best, and give the fans all you’ve got.  I saw him several times and I will say…he never disappoints.  He always leaves me satisfied and confident that my musical taste was impeccable….even as a pre-teen.

This tour was particularly poignant for me…..he played some songs that you would only know if you listened to his entire albums like scores of music fans in the 70s and 80s, including me. Songs I loved and had forgotten about. I was so moved, actually…..I pulled his first 5 or 6 albums out and just played them on shuffle for the next few weeks.  What a joy that was. He took me right back to where I was in my life when those songs weaved themselves into to my heart and memories.

As I sit here writing and crying and trying not to sob at work…….I am thankful he shared his greatness with us…..which sounds so trite……and thankful I saw him so recently.

Incidentally…..I was watching Running Down a Dream a year or so ago……they interviewed his mom (I think it was her).  She said his dad tried to beat the music out of Tom.  Couldn’t.  It made me think…..some things we are just born to do. Well….some of us are.  He was going to be Tom Petty no matter what. He knew deep in the fiber of his being that he was born to do what he was doing. And, then he went and did it. Fantastically. How great would the world be if we all knew what we were supposed to do? And, if we actually did it?  I am not sad for him and a life cut short……he lived his life his way doing his favorite thing. And, he made so many of us happy by sharing his gift. But, I am going to miss him.

RIP American Boy

Dear Dex:

Last night, as I listened to “Gone Away” at the Shoreline Amphitheater, I composed the following letter in my head…..

Dear Dex….I’m a 50ish year old single mother of 2 teenagers….one of each.  My financial situation is such that concerts are a treat for us. A few months ago, we walked into Vans Warped Tour and saw the bill with Offspring and Sublime with Rome. Lawn seats $20! This was a single motherhood trifecta….a band we all liked, a band I had yet to see and had been dying to see for years, AND ticket prices I could afford. Since we live in Sacramento area, I have to fill my tank up with gas and drive 2.5-3.5 hours one way to attend this event.  Because there are three of us…I must purchase 3 tickets. Did I mention I had gotten up at 5 to get to work early so that I could leave early so that I could drive to attend this event?  So….6 hours of driving, a full workday and money spent.

While I did not take the kids out of school early….my son did miss a football game and my daughter missed choir rehearsal for her concert tonight. I’m not even going to mention how tired they will be for the rest of the week because of the 5 hours of sleep they got last night (or, maybe I will). While some parents might question my parenting because I took kids to a concert on a school night…..I say….hey….Dex is a great role model…he recently put his band on hold to get his doctorate.  (I read an interview or something where you stated you wanted to make a difference….don’t discount the impact you make on people every day with your music. You have made a positive difference in the world. Music is important.) Everyone had sacrificed for this night (even the X….this is his week with the kids) and probably expectations were high.  All 3 of us were thrilled to be seeing the Offspring. I am sure you can imagine that it might be difficult to find a band we all like. I was looking forward to Sublime…..I am still angry about the waste of Bradley and all of his genius we missed out on…..but, I was not really a huge Sublime with Rome fan.  My daughter was looking forward to adding to her list of “bands seen.” My son……really only knows the top 3 Sublime songs.  So, when we were late and missed Sublime (wait for it) we were okay with it….because, after all….we were there to see the Offspring.

We are not your ordinary concert goers…their dad is a picky musician (is there any other kind?)….After many years of slogging around bars to support him….I learned a few things: I can tell when the drums sound tight. I know when the mix is good or bad. I also know when mistakes are made…..I used to be like almost everyone I was surrounded by last night….I was just happy to be there and thought it sounded great.  But, now…..WOW…if the mix or the audio is bad…..yeah. Not good.  Both kids follow their dad around to gigs and concerts and the daughter has been in choir for 7 years and taught herself to play guitar.  So….we have had a pretty good night other than missing Sublime… when you came out and started with one of my all time favorites.  Unfortunately, though….the speaker was out or there were audio problems across the back section of speakers….because I could hardly hear you. Instantly girl and I were discussing and assessing and trying to figure out who to notify (this is our standard M.O. at gigs….) and by song 3 things seem to have been figured out. And then they weren’t and then I wrote this note…..in my head. 

Here it comes…..

Imagine my surprise when you had hardly played and I was just getting over my sadness….girl had decided that you probably were a better studio band…..I think that if you were a better studio band…..you wouldn’t still be around 30 plus years later. I told her we needed to come see you with better tickets/seats next time. We debated this for a short time before we realized….

CRAP.  How is it that Offspring is not headlining?  How is it that Sublime with Rome…..a re-act is the headliner? Maybe this is one of those tours where they flip the bill? I don’t know.  But, C’MON…….the Offspring have way more hits and way more really fantastic songs. Well….I could argue this point all day. And….we did.  Still are. We cannot believe that we got this so wrong. Then I realize I wrote the letter to the wrong person/entity…this complaint/whine is a job for Sublime or Shoreline.  Anyway…..I hate it when I have all this righteous indignation and it is all directed at the wrong place.