My Dog is a Rapist

I have a 4.5 pound chalupa dog.  I didn’t ask for him. I didn’t want him. But, I rescued him and now he is mine. He turned out to be a pretty good dog…..for a while. He is awesome on a leash (never gets tangled), doesn’t bark (really…..for a yappy-type dog – no yapping) he doesn’t chew things or get into the garbage.  He doesn’t lick a lot. He is, however, very needy. Like he needs to be up my butt all the time…okay…not literally…butt (see what I did there?),  he must be on me whenever possible.

He was likely a few years old when he came to me. He had been recently neutered, chipped and shot. He was ready to go.  It took months for him to show us his personality…..but, eventually…his criminal side started to show. Occasionally I would catch he and his “girlfriend” (well…that is what my daughter calls whatever he has centered his sights on…usually a blanket or pillow) in the middle of……you know.  It wasn’t a big deal…..sometime we would ask him if “he needed his privacy”…but, mostly we would tell him to knock it off.

It is the middle of hell – I mean summer – here in northern CA and even though I have an air conditioner….I have a 2 story house…….some nights, I sleep downstairs. Which is what I was doing last night. I decided to go upstairs to grab something and I came upon a crazy sight…..

My dog….looking guilty and “in the middle” and my favorite bamboo pillow on the floor. And, its clothes (pillow case) were half off and it looked a mess. My eyes took it all in in a matter of seconds and the first thing I said was….”What is going on in here?” What are you doing with my pillow….it has been violated…why are its clothes off…..”

Which is all pretty funny….but, you should have seen it….that dog looking up at me with guilt written all over his tiny little face. That pillow is heavy…he had to drag it off the bed and 4 feet across the floor. Why? Is he a dom…dragging that pillow all over the place….showing it who’s boss? And me…..taking the scene in like I was taping off the crime.

Now when I come across my pillows on the floor…..I have to think….have they been violated?  Should I apologize? Throw then in the washer? My life is a comedy show.

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