Category: Writing

One Gigantic Dick

I’m way behind on my blogs and most other things in my life. But, I’m so exhausted….I’m almost ready to have those fantasies of being put into the hospital for exhaustion…..almost….but, not quite. And some people find time for that creepy little elf on a shelf.

So, you know, I gotta be motivated. I have tens of blogs waiting to be finished for publication, but I really am going to need to be motivated to rise above all of my exhaustion and whining. Plus, the teenage pit viper my son and I live with, doesn’t like me again. This time I’m a “liar”. Is that a step up or a step down from “lazy”? I can’t keep up with all the teenager slang. So, I could have written teenagers are assholes #2….but, that isn’t much fun.

And then….my friend, and fellow author, Terri George posted this: see big painted dick here .

I immediately replied to her…that this is how my blogs write themselves. “Enormous Penis Pops up” in New York. I mean, how fun is that already?  From the headline, I can see that an artist has painted this 4-story pink love gun on a building in New York.  So, I look. Wow! It is pretty big. Is it art? I don’t know and I am not sure I even care. Because already, these thoughts “pop up” in my head:

  1. Without balls, just looks weird.
  2. Way too much pink…I haven’t seen that much since the pit viper was 5
  3. Talk about penis envy.
  4. Why does it appear hard instead of limp?
  5. I need better photos.
  6. They painted over it already?
  7. Is this a joke? Is this a dick joke? Is this a limp dick joke?
  8. Do you need one, have one, or are you one?
  9. Really….why don’t you have any balls?
  10. This artist normally paints vaginas but, thought she would mix it up..
  11. The article calls the artist “cocky.” (You will also see: erect, member, etc.)

Seriously….I could just sit here and write the blogs that write themselves all day. I don’t even have to go looking for material. It is fucking everywhere. An enormous penis painted on a wall in New York. I meant what the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Why? Not “why not?”, WHY? What is the point? To shock? C’mon….Madonna already wears the crown of “shock by cock.”  This seems original but, it really isn’t. I wouldn’t call it art. We call them private parts for a reason.

I personally don’t care. But, I think it is unnecessary. I’m frequently called on the carpet for my frequent and constant use of profanity. I’m called “lazy” (oh, maybe pit viper is on to something:)) and lacking in class, and many other fun and judgy things. These are fair, though not really legitimate, opinions. I think a penis that needs an elevator is lazy as far as art goes. It is easy. Next? Tits? Ass? Pussy?  Then what?  And, really why?  We are just steps away from porn. And, while I write erotica, I still think it has a time and a place.

Article claims that in addition to being art, it will “continue sexual harassment conversations”. I would argue, strongly, that this big dick is just a continuation of same. She did do a fantastic job, though. She did it quickly, but it looks remarkably lifelike – minus the balls.

I can’t decide what I want to be today: political, bitchy, hormonal, sympathetic, soap-boxy, funny. Oh man, do the holidays wreak havoc on everything.

The Crashing Universe

The Universe (or God…..whatever…blog for another day) is an amazing place sometimes. All the time, really.  I am struck with awe occasionally when things collide providing symmetry to set me straight.

As you may know, I have a short term writing goal…..build public platform, build website and blog, publish the rest of the Hard Compliance series.  I have given myself a year off of job hunting for a new job to pursue this “writing thing.”  I want to see if this fun that I am having will ever buy me a beach house, allow me to quit my job to write f/t, pay for the beautiful Mac I write on….or…..even just a dinner out.  The only way to find out….do it. So that is what I am doing.

In this pursuit….my life has changed. A lot. (see…I don’t always swear….I could have said “a shit-ton” there) it has improved in every single way.  I don’t even hate the job I have as much as I did before I set this goal. I am happier than I have ever been. I am letting go of baggage and weight like I am living in reverse…..like it never even happened.  I feel so free I almost want to get one of those cheesy butterfly tattoos I have always mocked. I have never been so joyous……I totally understand the butterfly tattoo now. Anyway……I had one big WORRY left…..retirement and how to fund it. Or in  my case…..work until the day I die drinking cheap wine.

But, a funny thing happened…..I got so good at getting out of my box that I came up with a new retirement plan. I still want to live on the beach. But, if I can’t afford the beach house…I can afford a trailer and truck. I can sell my house, maybe buy a smaller investment property and live on the road. I could expound….but, another blog I think.

I have gotten pretty serious about completing my writing goal especially now that I may have a viable option for retirement.  Soon.  5 years. Well…you never get anywhere if you don’t set a goal.  Funny thing, as I tell people about my plan…..they don’t listen or ask questions (which is really my whole problem in life anyway) they just immediately start to tell me why this is a bad idea…and they always inevitably ask…what will I do when I’m 80?…Dunno….rest home? Live with a kid? Friend? Drive the car and trailer off a cliff like Thelma and Louise?…For someone who is still excited that she got to stand on a corner in Winslow, Az….might be perfect end.

So….(I’m getting there…promise)……last night a close friend came over. Looking back, I see she was not in a great mood. We had wine. A lot of wine. After she shit all over my retirement plan…..and it is so good and so well thought out…..she said, “your writing is never going to get you anywhere….” at the top of her lungs. While she was flinging wine across the room with her wildly gesturing arms…..okay…I made the last 2 up….but, it is how I still see it in my head.   I was stunned.

When I woke up this morning….I talked myself down….I know my dream may seem weird and unattainable to some. Their futures look different than mine. They have husbands. 2 incomes. Retirement plans. I don’t want to work until I die…..  I know also that most people are so entrenched in their boxes….that they think things have to be done a certain way. (WHY?  WHY? I say.  Another blog.)

I started to read “Happier Than a Billionaire”…..giving me hope for my plan. I was feeling pretty good about my self-talk but, there was some lingering doubt about whether or not I had any chance……(she was so loud and seemed so sure….or, that is what I heard.)

So…..thanks for waiting…..I am almost to my point……

I am cleaning the “desktop” of my laptop….I’m old…..it is where I used to put stuff so I could “find” it again. I’m no longer that technologically impaired…but, the habit dies hard, I guess.  I see a doc that I do not recall.  I start reading it.  It is hazy in my head. I’m thinking….wow…..this is pretty good. I discover that I wrote a fantastic hook in it. Title of next book probably. It is really good.

I checked to see the date I wrote it…..today.  Hmmm….I immediately went to “how late did you stay up drinking and writing last night that you don’t remember? Maybe you do have a drinking problem”…..so…I check the year…….2016.  Today’s date. A year ago.  I checked the time….just for fun…..0123456…..each used once. Book 6 is the only book published.

That was a huge crash in my universe….A huge grin erupted on my face…..I am on the write/right path. Who knows where I will end up….but, I am going the write/right way. And, I am thankful for my friend.  She kicked my butt in gear and accelerated my plan.  I will get to my goal sooner.  And, it will be sweeter……she isn’t the only one not impressed by my new career or retirement plan. Now……what to do if she wants to stay at the beach house?

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2017!!!

Happy New Year!! 2016 had some tough moments……..but, for me, the bloodshed started in early December, 2015 with the death of Scott Weiland.  My friend and I discussed our shock at the time. His death was unexpected, but not surprising, really.  We discussed how you never really know anything. All the platitudes are true…..”you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, only the good die young, the future is not promised, each day is a gift”…blah, blah…..I could go on…but, you get it. Anyway….it seemed like only a few days later when Lemmy died. That hurt too. We knew he was sick….just hoped he would dominate it like he dominated metal. And, then in early 2016…Bowie….okay….now it was starting to feel personal…my childhood was dying.  Okay….not really…..how can I explain?  Let’s see….if I were the type of person to record meaningful personal life events on my body…..I would have tats with all of these people for one reason or another. (Of course, the first one would have been of Andy Gibb….but, I digress.)

I know it is not rational to mourn the loss of people you don’t know….but, each of these people touched me in some way that I found significant.  We grew up together.  Or, it felt like we had. So…while I did not cry or attend funerals or memorials….I was sad. Noticeably sad. And, then …Glenn Frey.  RUFKM?  The Eagles is the one band to share one thing……my mother, my daughter and I are all big fans. I remember long road trips with my mom listening to that greatest hits 8 – track over and over and over…..(which is a joke, because 8 – tracks never ended or stopped……more digression.)

So…..this was getting ridiculous.  ( I am not going to go through the whole list…so, stick with me……) The Eagles were on my bucket list. I had missed their most recent tour due to funds and a promise to “go no matter what” next tour.  Well, damn. Not sure if they would tour or not now……but, I am kind of a purist.  You need to have the essence of the band there…..(at the very least) or I won’t go. The Eagles are not the Eagles without Glenn Frey. This made me sad and angry (at people, money, divorce, courts, etc) and not sure what else. It is at this precise moment in time that I find myself at some silent fundraising auction.  And, there on the table is a guitar….signed by most of the Eagles (Okay….more purist…no Randy Meisner….now I have ventured into music minutiae for most of you….) and NOBODY is bidding on it. I have had 2 super strong but very tasty drinks on an empty stomach.  I think it is my job to start the bidding….just to get it rolling…but, surely…..someone will outbid my tiny little $1800 in order to own this piece of American history?  Surely.  

Ha!  I am definitely not Shirley. Nobody outbid me.  And, I didn’t care. I missed their concert dammit…I was getting the damn guitar…because NOBODY OUTBID ME!!! (I don’t have $1800 laying around to buy a $200 guitar with sharpie marks on it. I don’t have $18 laying around for the same thing.) I had buyer’s remorse for a little bit….but, I really got to thinking……..I could have gone to the show and taken my mom and daughter for less than I paid for that damn guitar.  Which would have been great for many reasons but, mostly because my Mom has passed since.

So…….I decided.  Life is short. Enjoy it. Eat dessert first……blah blah….Okay really…..if there is something I want…..I spend a little time evaluating my level of want, cost, etc.  If I will regret not going…then, I need to bite the bullet and find a way to make it happen (whatever it is….concert, dinner, trip, shoes, shot glasses, whatever).  

It is at this precise moment in time that I find myself at work, reading a review of the most recent GNR show in Las Vegas.  I had thought it was a one time reunion.  I was incorrect. They were on tour.  Well, hell…..tickets must be sold out, right?   No, they were not. I could score some fairly good seats in the next 2 minutes for the low low low cost of $275.

Each.

You have to buy 2. So you don’t have to sit and experience this alone.

Even if you have no one to take.  Well…that isn’t fair……I have plenty of people to take….but, who will appreciate it $275 worth? And, don’t forget driving, parking, food, drinks, dinner…….(I skipped the souvenir….hahaha). But, $275 EACH?  WTF?  And I was under pressure….because I just knew if I didn’t buy tickets right this minute…they will sell out and there will never be another tour and, and, and…..well.  I bought them. Life is short.  And, then I called the one person in the world I thought would not think I was out of my mind. He works in radio, is a musician, lover of music, and manages bands and organizes tours. His reply, “We were just discussing this at work…..what does the person look like that would spend that much money to see that band?”

Me….that stupid person would look like me. I blamed it on Glenn Frey and the damn guitar.

It really has been on ongoing process for me. For the last few years, I have been giving up expectations, setting goals, and being thankful for EVERYTHING!  People probably think I’m the village idiot..walking around happy all the time with a big dumb grin on my face….but, I don’t care.  I’m happy. I’m not judging.  I still get disappointed and sad…but, not as often.  Seems when you spend so much time being thankful and working towards goals, that is what happens……you are happy and content.  Well.  That is what happened to me. Not everyday is a warm sunny beach. But, the beach, on a crappy day, is still the beach. And, I LOVE the beach.

And, that is the very long explanation for why I didn’t hate 2016.  I had a great year. I was thankful for all experiences…I achieved some goals…….I sat around thinking how happy I was.  Have I discovered the key? The key to being happy?  I am a fairly happy person anyway. But, this year…..I am sooooo happy. 2016 cut my childhood away in tiny little slices…..and, then it died. Maybe it needed to. Maybe because of all of this. Or in spite of it, I became more present this year. AWESOME!

Is This What I have Become?

So…it happened today. I was writing a blog post….a simple, funny story about paper towels. About paper towels in the bathroom. At work. The post was G rated in content, R rated in language……until….I had reached the build up (look…..it is happening again…used “build up” instead of something less sexual) and was ready to deliver the punch line. And, instead of a funny story…..thoughts of sex and nakedness and spanking and punishment started to wander into my mind and onto my pages.

Aaaahhhhh.  I am an average woman with a private Catholic school background and a mostly vanilla history. My “foray” into writing erotica was a fluke. A complete accident. I didn’t set out to write or even publish it. And, now……now……that is all I can write? Not sure if that makes me laugh or, or….okay….laugh is my only reaction. Because this is the most preposterous thing….EVER!!!!

Until about 10 years ago….I didn’t enjoy the sex written in books. Most of what I read had short, boring scenes that usually started and ended with “and the lights went out.” I sped through those passages like it was an Olympic event. And, that is if they had sex scenes at all. I fast forwarded most sex scenes when I was watching a movie. I didn’t watch porn. I have always felt that whatever was done between 2 (or more) adults was up to them. I don’t care. I don’t judge. And I really don’t want to know.  When I was younger, a friend of mine returned from a safari trip. Her dog sitter had left one of her personal sex toys behind.  Where did my friend find it? I don’t know. What kind of toy was it? I don’t know. What color was it? I don’t know. What did my friend do with it? I don’t know. Do you know why I don’t know? Because recalling the story as she told it to me made me blush for years. I never asked. I don’t know and I didn’t want to know. And then a lot of random stuff happened. Each and every occurrence dancing me one step closer to Erotica Writer Extraordinaire…….  And, now…..well, you know…..I want to know where she found it; what it was; how she gave it back…….

So….here I am…..erotica ebook publisher and blogger of sex. How did this happen? When did it happen? And how long is this conversation going to bring giggles to my lips? One thing led to another. Tiny little steps or circumstances that gave no indication of where the path would wind to. And, at the time, the path had no direction. There was no “goal”. It was just life. Get a divorce. Get a job. Get another job. Write a love letter. Write a story. Write a book. Because you are having a little dry spell, write about sex. And, the rest is just a slippery slope of being open to new experiences and new opportunities.

It is true that with age comes wisdom….well, it is for me.  I know now that you should just “do” stuff. Try it. If you like it, do it again.  If you don’t, stop doing it. But, it is in the learning of new things or the path less traveled or the “open attitude” that brings the greatest enjoyment. Every experience, every conversation, every decision shapes you and challenges you to change with it. I have been embracing every single opportunity for a few years now. I no longer cringe at the thought of change. Now, I run towards it. I have become a happier, more fulfilled, more joyous, more content, more enthusiastic liver of life than I ever was.  And, that is fucking fantastic.

Today, though, I had to pause. Have I become a part of this world that I am teasing at the edges of? I don’t mind the writing or publishing of what could be called pornographic material. But, I never wanted to become part of the “business”. Is that what I am now? Part of the business? My younger, reluctant to change self, would have spent the next several days agonizing. Wise, experienced Bianca says…….FUCK IT. Don’t waste the worry. You are not going to become someone your children won’t recognize. I have been though some life and know that I will do only what makes sense to me. I am aware I don’t want to degenerate. So, I won’t. Simple as that.

If I had any lingering doubt, I put it out with this…….who am I? What have I become?  “I have become a happier, more fulfilled, more joyous, more content, more enthusiastic liver of life than I ever was.  And, that is fucking fantastic. ”

Fuck yeah it is.

Check out this sexy read

How Did I Get Here?

My friend and I were discussing a book she is currently reading. The book describes how we need to determine our true purpose or reach our dreams. It discusses how if you look at all of the “strings” that have been provided in your life, and are able to weave them together, you will discover your true purpose and achieve your goals. Interesting premise. I looked for the book on Amazon and discovered it was a religious book about our purpose through God. I am not sure that God (if there is one) wants me to be successful by writing porn stories…..but, it did get me thinking. How exactly did I get here?

I have always wanted to write a book. But, doesn’t everyone? I also wanted to be a dancer……but, I never took a dance class after 2nd Grade. I have spent my fair share of time on dance floors in bars, however. I had taken a lot of writing courses over the years….but, never pursued that either. I didn’t have a story. I read a lot and wished for inspiration, but it never came.

Fast forward through jobs and marriage and kids and being a stay at home mom.  I never felt like I had a “goal”, I was just living every day as it arrived. And, as a stay at home mom, I was too tired to read, much less write. So, kids got older, husband moved on and I was starting over. The divorce was ugly and I was under pressure to get a job immediately.  So, I did. It was a decent job and it was a job, but it did not pay well.  So, I got another job. It paid better but, was not what I wanted to do. Which was okay. Not everyone loves their job. So, I looked for other jobs.  

In the meantime, this 2nd job provided a laptop for me to use and take home if I wanted. I did that too. Spent a lot of time on Pinterest and FB, but that became boring quickly. I had also rekindled an old friendship online. While it was mostly innocent (really, no flirting, no sexting, no secret rendezvous) on both of our parts, it became a source of frustration for me. I had fallen in love with him the day we met. And, my feelings hadn’t really changed. He was married at the time. I have woven the pieces of our story into my books and I am not going to elaborate here, but I decided I needed to address the frustration I was having. I figured if I wrote our love story, I could get over it and move on. And, I had this handy laptop.

So, write I did. Whenever I had free time. Since I was sharing custody and was not seeing anyone, I had a LOT of free time. Plus, writing was cheap….I could afford it. My “love story” quickly turned into something else. I had so much fun writing about us, I got to thinking about everyone whom has “one that got away” and wouldn’t it be fun to explore the possibilities of that? I wrote and wrote and wrote. For about a year. Hundreds of pages. And, somewhere between the first word and now, the characters stopped resembling me and him and their activities changed….a LOT.

I had purchased some of these online stories myself. I thought I had a different voice to add. And I had all of these filled pages.  I started to research publishers and self publishing sites. Soon, what had filled up my free time started to spillover into my not so “free” time. I would back-burner my plans. Then I started to loathe my job and ramped up my job hunting. That also takes a ton of time.  When 2 jobs that I really wanted did not become mine, I started to think again. What did I really want? I wanted a job with some flexibility that paid enough to meet my bills and feed my kids. I wanted weekends off. I wanted to work ½ a day if I needed to. I wanted to work the hours I wanted to work. I am sure you can see where this is going. I always wanted to be a writer. I had written a lot of stuff. I wanted to be my own boss.  I took the plans to publish off the back burner and pushed forward.

I am not sure where this is going to lead. And I haven’t quit my day job yet. But, I do know, when I look back to where I have been…and where I started….this adventure will have lead me to the next place I need to be in my life. For years I seemed to be just going along for the ride. For the first time in a long time, I am finally driving the bus. It feels good. It is fun and exciting and interesting. And, I am going to enjoy every single step. Because, I am successful already before I sell the first book. I will keep you posted.

Check out this sexy read….

What Am I Doing?

Publishing your first book is a fantastic and ridiculous experience. It requires more than just a good idea for a story. Much more. If you have written something that you think is worth publishing, you have to decide: self publish or not. I chose to self publish. So, all of the decisions were mine. Also fantastic and ridiculous. Something that started on a whim (a blog for another day) is now requiring some serious thought and research. Where do I publish? How long should my “story” be? Should I put all of my stories together and make a book? Should I structure it as a series instead? How much should I charge for it? Where and how to publish? How many times should I edit/update? Who should read it? Should someone read it? What should I name the characters? Should I use a pseudonym? What will my pseudonym be? Who do I tell? What if they want to read it? Is it good enough to publish? Will anyone like it? Read it? Buy it? And on and on until I am a freaked out mess. (If you haven’t figured it out by now, I have a tendency to obsess and over think some things. Not all things, just some things.)

While trying to nail down the answers to these questions (and many more) I also had to figure out a name and think about the cover. Fortunately for me, I had a graphic artist friend (see her info) willing to do the artwork for free. So, I phoned her with my name dilemma.  I told her the name I had picked out, “Dreams and Fantasies” which she thought was too literal. Dang. She suggested “Deep Surrender” or “Dark Ecstasy”, which I loved but a quick search told me they were already books. Then we started getting silly: “Lick Me” (already taken numerous times); “Fuck Me Cross-Eyed” which lead to “Fuck Each Other Stupid” (a line from one of my books, actually); “Hard Surrender”; “Dark Hardness”; and “Hard Darkness”, to name a few. It was funny and we were laughing, but I still hadn’t picked out a name.

I started to research how important a good title was. Maybe I could just pick anything. Concensus was that the title was VERY IMPORTANT! Great! More anxiety. Somehow in all that searching, I found a link to Lulu.com . An online publisher that had a “title grader” on it.  Fabulous. I just answered a few questions, typed in the name and Lulu provided me with a percentage score on whether or not the book would be a best seller. I entered every name we had come up with and received the scores of 16%, 27%, and 32%. Bummer. I wanted to sell my books, turn lots of people on, and quit my day job. Even 32% wasn’t good enough for those lofty goals. And, then I typed in “Dark Compliance”…..score of 69%!  I think we have a winner here.  Name search over. Anxiety and obsessing over (for now). I will let you know how it works out.

Check out this sexy read