We Don’t Need No Stinking Boxes

Do you have a box? Do you live in it? With the lid closed? Or, are you standing in it, one foot in and one foot out? Did you already pack your box with shit and send it away? Did you recycle it? Boxes….we all talk about them, about ours, other people’s and getting out of them. Our favorite toy as a child may have become our prison in adulthood.

I’ve got a burr in my box about this lately. I feel like there are 2 things in life that make us feel like we are really living….and those are the highest highs and the lowest lows. The lows come on their own….often without any help from you. But, the highs….the highest highs come from adventure and risk. If you are so taped into your box, that you don’t ever try anything new, there is never change and growth and how boring life would be? And, rest assured, I am not talking about driving at night, wearing sunglasses, with your headlights off (easier to do back in the day)….or jumping out of an airplane.  The Eels wrote a song about it.

I am talking about saying yes to one unexpected invitation a week or a month. Or, going to a new restaurant. Or, walking a different way when you take the dogs out. Listening to 3 songs on a radio station you never listen to.  You will have to decide what “risk” is right for you. But, do it.

I would not consider myself a risk taker……but, I am writing a blog for any and all to access….and, I am having the most difficult time lately with people who are so stuck in their box, they are going to be buried in it. I am not even sure why it bothers me so much. Am I jealous of others ability to just hang out status quo? Hmmmm. No….that is why I keep trying new things. Do I need validation that I am doing the right thing? Doubtful….I spent 12 years in catholic school and yet….I write porn. So, if I was worried about what people thought…..

Maybe because I feel like they are wasting time. We are getting older, time is getting shorter. We are losing peers. But, we are still a long way from elastic waistband “slacks” and dead (but, I would say when I start wearing elastic waistband slacks…..death will not be far off). Do things. Have fun. Change it up a little. I just want to shake the shit out of them. I want these box people to feel the elation that I feel. I want them to feel like they are living. I’ve gotten a second chance…..I just want to share.

And, you know what……? They just don’t care. They are happy and content in their box. They don’t look at me or anyone else and think “I should do that”. They think, “cool.” That is all. AND. I. JUST. DON’T. GET. IT.

A few years ago someone dumped me out of my box and then sent the box through the shredder. A few months later, they lit that thing on fire. I was forced to change. And, I fought that shit like it was my job.  For a while. Then, gradually, I started to let go. Let go of the box I was in. Let go of all of the boxes I had put together in my youth. I realized that things didn’t have to stay the same. I didn’t have to have (or be or do) anything I thought I had to have or be in the past. I pulled a thread. And, I kept at it. Now, I rush head first into change….because it means new experiences, new joys. I have been able to re-achieve almost childlike wonder….or, is that because I let go of my expectations? 

And, boy have I let go of my expectations.  All of them, I think. So, now, instead of sifting through expectations and whether or not they are met, I can just respond.  “It’s Thanksgiving and the turnkey tastes like crap.”  Cool. Let’s go to IHOP. “Mom….can we have Thanksgiving with Dad this year? I know it is your turn, but……” Sure…..what day should we do our Thanksgiving and how should we do it? Traditional or sushi? You get the idea.  When you let go of the expectations, you are rarely disappointed.  

This might not seem like a big deal to some of you….but, to me……WOW!!!!  And, I have to say…..I am so much more peaceful. Life is not perfect…..I still want these box people to stop wasting time……..

I am Invisible

I am so fucking tired of being invisible.  And, you know what…I have news for you young people….you are fucking stupid.  And, here is why……

I’m older…..probably older than your parents. Not only have I been around the block a few times, I learned some things walking, driving, and running around that block. Like, how to tip. How to appreciate good service. And, what good customer service is.

So…..a few years ago, I decided to finally just call a truce with my hair.  I wanted, once upon a time, to have long, thick, curly “rocker-bitch” hair.  I wasn’t born with it and no matter how much money or time I spent….I was never able to achieve it. And, no, I never tried extensions….because….well….because.  I am a firm believer in “what you see is what you get.”  I will not swear more once I get to know you.  I will not dress less once I get to know you. I did not stuff my bra when I was a kid…..and now…well…..  Anyway…..this is me. I am still going to voice my opinion about whatever. I don’t have time (seriously….over half my life is over) to be something I am not. I no longer care if I impress people or not….which is the topic of another blog….about why being my age is so fantastic.

Anyway…..I started going gray in my late 20’s…..thanks, Dad (he was fully gray by 40…but, really, he had this beautiful white hair.  White.)  Finally…..luckily? For me…a new trend appeared about the same time I decided that I was no longer going to piss away money to hide the gray. My stylist had been begging me for months to do it.  So, I did.  And now, I have a full head of white hair with silver streaks…..it is gorgeous (I know this because I get a ton of compliments on it from others…some even asked me how I got it that color). And, it is easy and cheap.  But…..it and my age I suppose, have taken me to that invisible place.  

So…once again….I am in the best place in my life that I have ever been.  I am happier than I have ever been.  I am the best version of myself I have ever been….and, nobody gives a shit. I get it….I’m not young and hot anymore…..I get it. But….I am a better friend and lover than I was when I was young and hot….I have learned a TON about life and sex since I was young and hot.  And I don’t know if I was ever really “hot”…but, I was young…..and thin.  And got some attention.  But, now….(I was going to say I can’t even get arrested…but, I no longer want to and was not arrested back then either….although I have spent some time in the backseat of a police car)…now….despite big tits, a big mouth, and white hair…..I get no attention. I have to wait forever to get a drink at the bar. The men have stopped flirting and trying to pick up on me (okay….not really fair….there are just less of them now). Cinderella was right….you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone. I finally understand what my Dad has been saying my whole life: youth is wasted on the young. I say it all the time now, too.

And…I can only see this getting worse as I grow wrinkles and a stooped walk. I will become further and further away from 25…..(shit…I’m closer to 75 than 25….fuck me...)  I will have to bring my own flask to bars, I guess.  Can you see it now…..I pull out my flask (because I guarantee some young waiter or waitress will see that)….and they come over to try to take it away or tell me I can’t drink from it in their bar?  Can you imagine? Because I see me (and everybody my age and older)…..dumping all of our frustration from this unwanted cloak of invisibility onto this unsuspecting ageist…..here is what I will say…”fuck you, you fucking fuck…..and then I am sure I would continue to pour all over her to make up for all the times I was ignored or not seen. Of course….this could be the fun part of being old and invisible.

This is why old people are grouchy…because they can be, they are driven to be, and they have a right to be. All you little whippersnappers better look out…….

That 70’s Music

Okay…time to lighten up on my blog.  My silly thoughts on some silly songs from the 70’s.

My girl, is obsessed with the 70’s.  The music, mostly.  Feels like she was born in the wrong era….who could blame her? Born in the 60’s…high school and college in the 80s?  I had the best musical childhood EVER.  I have been playing “who sings this song” with my kids since they were little.  

A few years back, when the kids were tiny, we spent a week with family and friends in a beach mansion.  It was fantastic.  The boys (and my X) spent many hours in the basement playing Guitar Hero. My kids continued to play once home (as did the X).  At some point, we were driving down the road and an Aerosmith song came on.  I asked “who sings this song?” and my son answered (and so happy and proud he knew the answer)…he punched his fists towards the roof of the car and yelled out. “Guitar Hero!”…..well, he wasn’t wrong.

Anyway….I was not about to spend my kids childhood listening to radio disney or some other such nonsense.  I am still mad about the PMRC, no edited versions for me.  Well, I gotta admit, some songs coming out of my kids mouths were ridiculous…..I could write many blogs about that…but, think Godsmack, Kid Rock, Hollywood Undead, Sublime.  You get the picture.

I have taught my kids all about all the great bands, musicians, guitarists, vocalists, etc….from old school country to current metal. I want them to have a broad taste in music and appreciate as much as they can. And, I am just the one to teach them.  And, it works both ways…they play stuff for me…and, then I know what they are listening to. The other day I thought it was time to introduce her to the ridiculousness of the 70’s….and, because Playground in My Mind has been stuck in my head for days (IKR? WTH?) …..when I searched for it on apple music (and, yes, why pay for something I can get for free…but, really….I am saving money not buying all the music I want to listen to.  Yes…I know there are free apps…but, no commercials and apple music has EVERY song!  I don’t buy coffee, get weekly manicures, or color my hair anymore…sue me).

“Why stop there?”, I thought….So, I popped out “Billy Don’t be a Hero” and “Run, Joey, Run” (do yourself a favor and watch/listen to that one….! Why those two songs? I think they were on the same K-tel record…I miss those things…well, they do still have them in other forms, but I digress. Then, I played “Shannon” for her…..Then, “My Ding-a-Ling”. I couldn’t stop….. “Heartbeat, It’s a Lovebeat” and all the other boy bands of that era: Donny Osmond, The Osmonds, The Jackson 5, David Cassidy, his little brother, Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett and the Brothers Gibb (Bee Gees for the young folk)..including youngest brother, Andy. I was on a roll.

I think the worst of this whole thing…I sang these songs at the top of my lungs while I wore out my K-tel record. I can still sing almost every word..and I did. Much to the girl’s amusement (and irritation…she is 15 after all). These songs were bad. I should be embarrassed that I even know them.  As ridic as they are….I still love them.  LAME.  Better go listen to some Metallica.  I played all those dumb bubble-gum songs (I had forgotten that description—it just surfaced) She found them ridiculous and hysterical.  Well, I did too…I mean who wouldn’t?  They don’t stand the test of time.  But, they remind us of how music and radio has evolved.  

We lost Gregg Allman not too long ago.  I figure I have written enough about musicians dying. But, a tiny little memory crept into my head…..remember when Duane (Gregg’s brother) died in a bike crash in 1971?  I do, because my older sisters were worried that Wayne Osmond was the one who died. And, even at my very young age….it didn’t make sense….and Osmond on a motorcycle?  Anyway…..there was some confusion back in the day. Took a while to get sorted out for the fans.  That wouldn’t happen today….not only music and radio have changed….but the way we get our news as well.  

My brain works in ridiculous ways……

Kathy Griffin, Madonna, Gwyneth and the Dixie Chicks

I saw the weird and ridiculous image this week.  You know the one I am talking about….because it is everywhere and it seems that everyone has weighed in.  And, now she is seeking representation because she is being bullied by the family of the person she…..the person she……

I told myself I wasn’t going to get political on my blog. I wanted to stay away from that.  Not because I care (I write porn after all)….but, because it polarizes…..but, here I go….

Kathy Griffin…REALLY? I like her. I always have. Like Gwyneth….I like her. I don’t love or agree with everything she has to say.  I believe she is smart and it looks like she has taken a page out of Madonna’s publicity (this link doesn’t emphasize the story as I saw it. Her video got banned. So, she packaged it, stirred the controversy, and sold it for $25 a copy…genius) book. And…..really….I am not judgemental…..so, I will tell you what thoughts went through my head……

  • Amusing
  • Why? What did he do to her?
  • Why must we resort to violence?
  • I understand you don’t like him….find another way to make your point…..a point that has become a dead horse, btw
  • Spend time/$$$ trying to impeach; or educate; or explain to the public things they may not know
  • Be a source of good, not evil
  • Omg…..does she really need the publicity this badly?
  • How can I respond to this lovingly? Because I am so fucking tired of this bullshit

We live in a free country folks…..so….yes, you can express yourself by publishing a photo of you and a body-less president. And said president and anyone else who disagrees…..can express their opinion about what you did.  Remember the Dixie Chicks?  The said what they wanted.  Gained some fans. Lost some. Learned a lot, I imagine.  I felt the same way then….yeah, you can express your opinion….but, you might look like an asshole. In both cases, I am willing to forgive.  I figure they will get what is coming to them, I didn’t need to deliver it…..wouldn’t it be hilarious if the Dixie Chicks came to Kathy’s defense?  OMG….you saw it here first.  But, think about it….those D Chix…..haven’t had much to say in a long while.

Which brings me to my next point…..Who the fuck cares what Kathy or the D Chix or any other celebrity has to say about anything?  And, why would we take the time to discuss it over and over?  This will be good for her career, I am sure. Since where has it been lately?  But, really…..I don’t know these people.  I couldn’t give a shit what they think. On top of that….our lives have nothing in common.  Also….my friends are an eclectic group…..some on opposite ends of the spectrum.  Some in the middle…..I told you I didn’t care. I can see both sides to the debate.

So….I’m writing about it and it is all over the news. It sure stirred up a lot of shit. Hmmmm….weird. Isn’t she just one of those kind of comedians? Says things for their shock value?  She did just what she set out to do….get attention and let everyone know how she feels about the president.  Look at all of the people who hate him, yet condemn her…..standing up for him in any way supports hims just a little. Don’t ya think?

My rant is almost over……but, my whole point was this…..why be mean? Let’s be nice. If you don’t like something, change it…put your money where your mouth is. Do something to make the situation better.  Make the world a better place.  So..the rant turned into a whine.  Sue me. Have a great week everyone.

P.S. I just googled her to find a link for this blog…..guess what? She is on a 50 city book tour.  Coincidence? C’mon everyone.

His Penis had Abs!

I wish I could say I wrote that.  I think I was always sort of thinking it in my head.  It sounds so familiar. When I heard it…..well…..it got to be the title of my blog. And….isn’t it fantastic? It is another perfect line uttered by my favorite character on Grace and Frankie. And, yes, I know that this is my 3rd or 4th blog about Grace and Frankie…..sue me. Yes, I go trolling around the web looking for G and F news.  I will admit…..I’m obsessed.  Ok…not really….but, these two characters totally resonate with me. I am not their age….but, I just skidded over 50 and am feeling and seeing some of the fun shit that goes along with aging.  I am not a fan.  And, I laugh about it with my friends….if I can remember it, I write about it…..you get the picture.

Netflix has announced that there will be a season 4.  I have already watched season 3……twice. It can’t get here fast enough. I am elated. I know the main characters aren’t getting any younger…..but, I think I am not the only fan! I love the characters on the show. Some of the story lines don’t excite me…..but, the vibrators for older women story is beautiful in so many ways.

I think I love this show mostly for the way these older people still have vibrant, fulfilling lives. Hope for my future, I suppose. As I am finding out that my childhood was a big fat lie (in many ways, but mostly adulthood did not turn out like I pictured it back then)….it is good to know that there is still a lot of life in my life.

And, apparently, I am going to continue my ongoing “journey” of age and discovery. And, I am going to share it with you fine people. Lucky you. I don’t really know why this is my ongoing theme lately.  Maybe that skid over 50 left more road rash than I thought. I can’t help thinking (all of the fucking time……) how in the hell did I get here?  The cool thing for me though, is that I have never been so sure of my direction or so happy. It makes wrestling with being “over the hill” much more entertaining. And fun.

Before I go, you should know the writers did not disappoint. They had another great season with perfect, perfect lines. “His penis had abs,” might be my favorite line so far. Here are more terrific lines from Season #3:

Get your fucking mother over here.

Fuck me in the eye.

You’re my brother. I’m glad mom bought you.

Would one of you geezers get me off the fucking floor?

Brianna taught me some pot words.

I miss your stupid mom, she’s my ride or die bitch.

She was rambling….like a prison letter.

My dummy exploded.

Your mother’s gun is named Louise?

I’m too stoned to play this game…what are you saying?

Thanks for reading. Have a terrific day. And, no….I do not get paid by Netflix…..but, I am not opposed.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2017!!!

Happy New Year!! 2016 had some tough moments……..but, for me, the bloodshed started in early December, 2015 with the death of Scott Weiland.  My friend and I discussed our shock at the time. His death was unexpected, but not surprising, really.  We discussed how you never really know anything. All the platitudes are true…..”you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, only the good die young, the future is not promised, each day is a gift”…blah, blah…..I could go on…but, you get it. Anyway….it seemed like only a few days later when Lemmy died. That hurt too. We knew he was sick….just hoped he would dominate it like he dominated metal. And, then in early 2016…Bowie….okay….now it was starting to feel personal…my childhood was dying.  Okay….not really…..how can I explain?  Let’s see….if I were the type of person to record meaningful personal life events on my body…..I would have tats with all of these people for one reason or another. (Of course, the first one would have been of Andy Gibb….but, I digress.)

I know it is not rational to mourn the loss of people you don’t know….but, each of these people touched me in some way that I found significant.  We grew up together.  Or, it felt like we had. So…while I did not cry or attend funerals or memorials….I was sad. Noticeably sad. And, then …Glenn Frey.  RUFKM?  The Eagles is the one band to share one thing……my mother, my daughter and I are all big fans. I remember long road trips with my mom listening to that greatest hits 8 – track over and over and over…..(which is a joke, because 8 – tracks never ended or stopped……more digression.)

So…..this was getting ridiculous.  ( I am not going to go through the whole list…so, stick with me……) The Eagles were on my bucket list. I had missed their most recent tour due to funds and a promise to “go no matter what” next tour.  Well, damn. Not sure if they would tour or not now……but, I am kind of a purist.  You need to have the essence of the band there…..(at the very least) or I won’t go. The Eagles are not the Eagles without Glenn Frey. This made me sad and angry (at people, money, divorce, courts, etc) and not sure what else. It is at this precise moment in time that I find myself at some silent fundraising auction.  And, there on the table is a guitar….signed by most of the Eagles (Okay….more purist…no Randy Meisner….now I have ventured into music minutiae for most of you….) and NOBODY is bidding on it. I have had 2 super strong but very tasty drinks on an empty stomach.  I think it is my job to start the bidding….just to get it rolling…but, surely…..someone will outbid my tiny little $1800 in order to own this piece of American history?  Surely.  

Ha!  I am definitely not Shirley. Nobody outbid me.  And, I didn’t care. I missed their concert dammit…I was getting the damn guitar…because NOBODY OUTBID ME!!! (I don’t have $1800 laying around to buy a $200 guitar with sharpie marks on it. I don’t have $18 laying around for the same thing.) I had buyer’s remorse for a little bit….but, I really got to thinking……..I could have gone to the show and taken my mom and daughter for less than I paid for that damn guitar.  Which would have been great for many reasons but, mostly because my Mom has passed since.

So…….I decided.  Life is short. Enjoy it. Eat dessert first……blah blah….Okay really…..if there is something I want…..I spend a little time evaluating my level of want, cost, etc.  If I will regret not going…then, I need to bite the bullet and find a way to make it happen (whatever it is….concert, dinner, trip, shoes, shot glasses, whatever).  

It is at this precise moment in time that I find myself at work, reading a review of the most recent GNR show in Las Vegas.  I had thought it was a one time reunion.  I was incorrect. They were on tour.  Well, hell…..tickets must be sold out, right?   No, they were not. I could score some fairly good seats in the next 2 minutes for the low low low cost of $275.

Each.

You have to buy 2. So you don’t have to sit and experience this alone.

Even if you have no one to take.  Well…that isn’t fair……I have plenty of people to take….but, who will appreciate it $275 worth? And, don’t forget driving, parking, food, drinks, dinner…….(I skipped the souvenir….hahaha). But, $275 EACH?  WTF?  And I was under pressure….because I just knew if I didn’t buy tickets right this minute…they will sell out and there will never be another tour and, and, and…..well.  I bought them. Life is short.  And, then I called the one person in the world I thought would not think I was out of my mind. He works in radio, is a musician, lover of music, and manages bands and organizes tours. His reply, “We were just discussing this at work…..what does the person look like that would spend that much money to see that band?”

Me….that stupid person would look like me. I blamed it on Glenn Frey and the damn guitar.

It really has been on ongoing process for me. For the last few years, I have been giving up expectations, setting goals, and being thankful for EVERYTHING!  People probably think I’m the village idiot..walking around happy all the time with a big dumb grin on my face….but, I don’t care.  I’m happy. I’m not judging.  I still get disappointed and sad…but, not as often.  Seems when you spend so much time being thankful and working towards goals, that is what happens……you are happy and content.  Well.  That is what happened to me. Not everyday is a warm sunny beach. But, the beach, on a crappy day, is still the beach. And, I LOVE the beach.

And, that is the very long explanation for why I didn’t hate 2016.  I had a great year. I was thankful for all experiences…I achieved some goals…….I sat around thinking how happy I was.  Have I discovered the key? The key to being happy?  I am a fairly happy person anyway. But, this year…..I am sooooo happy. 2016 cut my childhood away in tiny little slices…..and, then it died. Maybe it needed to. Maybe because of all of this. Or in spite of it, I became more present this year. AWESOME!

Wouldn’t it be Nice?

I read a beautiful obituary today:

http://www.eonline.com/news/793677/alexis-arquette-dead-at-47

It was a beautifully written tribute to a brother who became a sister. It was written by a brother. I have no idea regarding the dynamics of the writer and the deceased. Nor do I have any idea regarding the dynamics of this family. It was an obituary that made me smile. So, I reread it. And then as I read it a 3rd time, I realized that with just a few minor changes, I could change this lovely announcement to something that could honor everyone.

Brother Richard Arquette confirmed the news on his Facebook page, writing, “Our brother Robert, who became our brother Alexis, who became our sister Alexis, passed this morning September 11 at 12:32 a.m. He was surrounded by all of his brothers and sisters, and one of his nieces and several other loved ones. We were playing music for him and he passed during David Bowie‘s Starman. As per his wishes, we cheered at the moment that he transitioned to another dimension.”

“I am feeling immense gratitude to have been afforded the luxury of sharing life with him/her, for learning from Alexis, for being the gift of being able to love her/him and to be loved by him/her. He was a force.”

“He died as he lived, on his own terms. I am immensely grateful that it was fast and painless. It was an incredibly moving experience and I am humbled and grateful to have been able to have been with him as he began his journey onward. Thank you Alexis, I love you and will love you always,” Arquette concluded.

As I read it, my mind wandered in thought (I know, it shouldn’t be allowed to go out alone). I wondered if people who objected to the way Alexis lived her life would find the same beauty and celebration in her tribute. I couldn’t help but think there are people in my life that I struggle with. (And yes…..everything is about me…..even when an Arquette dies.) I narrow my thoughts to one in particular. This person is a force.  Lives on their own terms. I wouldn’t wish them pain or torture. I am definitely grateful (not necessarily to them) for everything that they and that relationship taught me (how to make better choices, how to forgive, how to succeed after tragedy, how to overcome homicidal thoughts, etc…..). I don’t wish harm, I am apathetic.  I really don’t care what happens to this person. I don’t care about them. I also do not care for them. How would I write that obituary or announcement?

I don’t like them; I don’t respect them; I don’t like their choices, etc. (it is fun to use semi-colons!  I think I like the “air quotes” better). I do, however, respect their right to exist…..we don’t all have to like each other; I respect their right to make choices; I respect their right to live and die in any way they choose. I could use most of the words above. Maybe leave a few out, maybe add a few. But, it wouldn’t be that difficult to take this loving tribute and make it a celebration of that person’s life. Even if I didn’t consider them a role model. Hell….especially if I didn’t consider them a role model.

Which brings me to the next…….what if everyone treated everyone that way???????? You know, before they died? What if we treated people without judgment? What if we respected people without judgment?

Wouldn’t it be nice? (A fantastic song I would have shared but, the lyrics didn’t match my story)

The obit gave you a positive glimpse into the departed and a positive glimpse into the writer. Everybody wins. Nobody was dishonest. I can’t see where anyone could be offended.  Just some rambling thoughts on a Sunday.