I have a muse. I am definitely a real writer now. I HAVE A MUSE!!!! I am so excited. I didn’t know I needed one (of course, when you write erotica……) More than just a muse, I received a fantastic gift. Here is what happened:
I keep tweeting that we broke up but the truth is ….. I am always going to love him. Always. But, I know there is more…..than 1. He was just the 1st “love of my life”…..so….I put the picture away…..and ignored him. For 6 months…and a few weeks ago, he came back….the same as before….but, I was not the same……instead of eagerly taking him back…as I had every other time…..I responded. Crisp and cool. Not cold. Not warm and definitely not HOT! Scared him I guess, because he hasn’t replied. He will, I know. But, not sure I care anymore.
And, then last week….I was at a local bar watching a really good local band with some friends…..and HE walks in!!!! Like he is being chased by a spotlight whose bright blinding light is bouncing right off his overly processed blonde head. I’m guessing….actually, now that I think about it…his hair looks remarkably like it always has. I know I can only grow grey these days and I don’t know any natural blonds in our box group who don’t process…so, who does it? Does he do it at home? A lot of celebs marry their hair stylist, now I know why.
With a laugh, I realize, I already know where he gets it done….he goes to the local salon owned by another has-band (yes…he married a stylist, too). He probably goes on “RockStar Mondays”…..incognito. Hair salons are closed on Mondays – probably for just this reason – the celebs (real or imagined) wear dark glasses (and maybe hats) and arrive through the back…probably not in limos….this is Northern Ca after all. Then they can sit around in foil and color under dryers while they try to look….you know, cool and manly. However it happens…..his stylist does great color.
I can’t help but notice him as he heads towards our table…(spotlight beacon and all)….all I can think is “what is he doing here?” What the F is he doing here? It was a little like lightning (odd?). I mean why not? I was here. True. But, I also had not played to live audiences all over the globe as recently as last year. And…..as I think about it….there are only a few decent venues in town where you could find good live music in this tiny town. This bar is okay…cheap booze and they do book good bands. If I wanted to stalk/meet him…all I need to do is hang at one of the 3 venues when a good band is playing and eventually it will happen. We have been in more than one bar or event at the same time over the years.
On this warm, late summer night, easily one of the best bands in No Cal is in this club. They need more fans…..they will get them. They are really good. But, at the time, a Saturday night and 20 people in the bar…seemed an unlikely place for a B- list celeb. Maybe he is important…..but, he is so nice and easy that it is easy to forget. Plus…this is No Cal…we aren’t impressed with celebs. Music doesn’t garner the same respect here as in other cities. Hard to say…. If you are not in the music industry or into metal…you will not know his name. If you are under 30…you will not know his name. I could go on and on…..plus….I have seen him dozens of times in these live venues. He is always pleasant, always nice and always alone….a fact that had escaped me until now. Okay…I will admit…before this very moment…I never cared. At all. For a million reasons…blonde, bass player, local, not big enough and not quite nobody (I personally don’t care his “status”…but, musicians usually care and I had already spent a marriage with a frustrated one). And you know…the obvious real reason is…musicians aren’t made from unicorn glitter like some people might think. Okay…nobody over 12 thinks that. But, you get my point.
Doesn’t matter now, because….well…I can’t stop staring. Not sure when the last time was that that happened. What am I so captivated by? He is not bad looking….not model pretty (which is a good thing)….nice masculine features (so many musicians have little pixie faces)….amazing skin, really. He is clean. Not only clean…he lacks the one thing all rock stars have. He has the one thing I haven’t seen on a musician in years……ink free arms. Wow….I like it. Who knew?
I have an eclectic group of friends……but, this could be the dividing line…..if I brought him to a party with group one….they would think “for fuck’s sake, Bianca….stop dating musicians. You keep saying that you are going to but you never do. Does this one have a job? Play drums?” They would accept him and be nice to him….but, they would have no idea who he is. And they would think he is making payments on that sissy little white Mercedes he drives around while he lives in his tiny college apartment. Or, his mother’s basement. It is taking my friends a whole lot longer to get over my divorce…..obviously.
The other group….well…..½ of them would say….”hey….Dave”…the other half would be…..”how does she know Dave? I wanna meet Dave.”
But, you know what…none of this is the issue or point….the point is…. I have spent 30 years thinking that there was only one for me. As soon as I let him go….as soon as I let him go….I find someone. Now….I know….you are going to say…what makes him the one? Do you even have a date? Does he know your name? You don’t even know him. What makes you think he is interested in you? And….I will say……there are about 10 immediate reasons reasons for me not to date this gay……(hahahahahaha…I typed “gay” when I meant guy”).
And..yes…we’ve been introduced. But….here is what he gave me. The best gift.
30 years. Haven’t met anyone that I was remotely interested in. Haven’t met anyone who was ever on the same level in my heart. But, here he was…..someone who could actually fill that void. Which means……there are people who could fill that void. This one was nice, some baggage….but, no kids, no crazy exes, no drug problem, loves his work, independent, not trying to sleep with all the 20 year olds. He had an easy-going personality and people loved him. He was gracious to fans in the most easy going and non impressed with himself way. He was funny and fun….stone cold sober. And he had the nicest smile. He wore jeans for a living. He was tall. He was blonde…but, I could live with that. This one is one I could see myself with…on paper anyway. So….know what that means?…..there are others. And they don’t all have to be working financially stable musicians. God…I hope none of them are. I have no illusions about our future…..because what future? I may still be single…and horny as hell….but, I have hope now. I had hope before….but, now….now I have a muse AND hope.
And….I am aware that there is a little romanticism in my description above….beer goggles, so to speak. So…..all I’m saying is I liked what I saw…..and, it has been some time since I got all bunched up.
So…as Carrie and I are reviewing the evening she mentions something about him….” he looks just like he did back in the day….” And, it clicked……1989 had walked right into the bar….and into my life. And…boys and girls…..you can take the girl out of the 80’s….but, you can’t take the 80’s out of the girl. And, then she says,…….”you have a muse!”
“No, I don’t.” Because I am too old to “fan girl” and I never gushed (writing erotica makes word choices so much more fun) over him before. But, the next day…..I wake up smiling and singing a song from the band the other night. I have a muse. YAY!!!!
I love how life lets you know when you are headed in the right direction.
(The moral if you missed it is……you have to let go of what isn’t working before you can move on to something that does.)