Month: October 2017

I Found My Muse!

I have a muse. I am definitely a real writer now.  I HAVE A MUSE!!!! I am so excited. I didn’t know I needed one (of course, when you write erotica……) More than just a muse, I received a fantastic gift. Here is what happened:

I keep tweeting that we broke up but the truth is ….. I am always going to love him. Always. But, I know there is more…..than 1.  He was just the 1st “love of my life”…..so….I put the picture away…..and ignored him.  For 6 months…and a few weeks ago, he came back….the same as before….but, I was not the same……instead of eagerly taking him back…as I had every other time…..I responded. Crisp and cool. Not cold. Not warm and definitely not HOT! Scared him I guess, because he hasn’t replied.  He will, I know.  But, not sure I care anymore.

And, then last week….I was at a local bar watching a really good local band with some friends…..and HE walks in!!!!  Like he is being chased by a spotlight whose bright blinding light is bouncing right off his overly processed blonde head. I’m guessing….actually, now that I think about it…his hair looks remarkably like it always has. I know I can only grow grey these days and I don’t know any natural blonds in our box group who don’t process…so, who does it? Does he do it at home? A lot of celebs marry their hair stylist, now I know why.  

With a laugh, I realize, I already know where he gets it done….he goes to the local salon owned by another has-band (yes…he married a stylist, too).  He probably goes on “RockStar Mondays”…..incognito.  Hair salons are closed on Mondays – probably for just this reason – the celebs (real or imagined) wear dark glasses (and maybe hats) and arrive through the back…probably not in limos….this is Northern Ca after all. Then they can sit around in foil and color under dryers while they try to look….you know, cool and manly. However it happens…..his stylist does great color.

I can’t help but notice him as he heads towards our table…(spotlight beacon and all)….all I can think is “what is he doing here?”  What the F is he doing here? It was a little like lightning (odd?).  I mean why not?  I was here. True. But, I also had not played to live audiences all over the globe as recently as last year. And…..as I think about it….there are only a few decent venues in town where you could find good live music in this tiny town. This bar is okay…cheap booze and they do book good bands. If I wanted to stalk/meet him…all I need to do is hang at one of the 3 venues when a good band is playing and eventually it will happen. We have been in more than one bar or event at the same time over the years.

On this warm, late summer night, easily one of the best bands in No Cal is in this club. They need more fans…..they will get them. They are really good. But, at the time, a Saturday night and 20 people in the bar…seemed an unlikely place for a B- list celeb.  Maybe he is important…..but, he is so nice and easy that it is easy to forget. Plus…this is No Cal…we aren’t impressed with celebs. Music doesn’t garner the same respect here as in other cities.  Hard to say….  If you are not in the music industry or into metal…you will not know his name. If you are under 30…you will not know his name. I could go on and on…..plus….I have seen him dozens of times in these live  venues. He is always pleasant, always nice and always alone….a fact that had escaped me until now. Okay…I will admit…before this very moment…I never cared. At all. For a million reasons…blonde, bass player, local, not big enough and not quite nobody (I personally don’t care his “status”…but, musicians usually care and I had already spent a marriage with a frustrated one). And you know…the obvious real reason is…musicians aren’t made from unicorn glitter like some people might think. Okay…nobody over 12 thinks that.  But, you get my point.

Doesn’t matter now, because….well…I can’t stop staring. Not sure when the last time was that that happened.  What am I so captivated by? He is not bad looking….not model pretty (which is a good thing)….nice masculine features (so many musicians have little pixie faces)….amazing skin, really. He is clean. Not only clean…he lacks the one thing all rock stars have. He has the one thing I haven’t seen on a musician in years……ink free arms. Wow….I like it. Who knew?

I have an eclectic group of friends……but, this could be the dividing line…..if I brought him to a party with group one….they would think “for fuck’s sake, Bianca….stop dating musicians. You keep saying that you are going to but you never do.  Does this one have a job? Play drums?”  They would accept him and be nice to him….but, they would have no idea who he is. And they would think he is making payments on that sissy little white Mercedes he drives around while he lives in his tiny college apartment. Or, his mother’s basement. It is taking my friends a whole lot longer to get over my divorce…..obviously.

The other group….well…..½ of them would say….”hey….Dave”…the other half would be…..”how does she know Dave? I wanna meet Dave.”

But, you know what…none of this is the issue or point….the point is…. I have spent 30 years thinking that there was only one for me. As soon as I let him go….as soon as I let him go….I find someone. Now….I know….you are going to say…what makes him the one? Do you even have a date? Does he know your name?  You don’t even know him. What makes you think he is interested in you? And….I will say……there are about 10 immediate reasons reasons for me not to date this gay……(hahahahahaha…I typed “gay” when I meant guy”).

And..yes…we’ve been introduced.  But….here is what he gave me. The best gift.

30 years. Haven’t met anyone that I was remotely interested in. Haven’t met anyone who was ever on the same level in my heart.  But, here he was…..someone who could actually fill that void. Which means……there are people who could fill that void. This one was nice, some baggage….but, no kids, no crazy exes, no drug problem, loves his work, independent, not trying to sleep with all the 20 year olds. He had an easy-going personality and people loved him. He was gracious to fans in the most easy going and non impressed with himself way. He was funny and fun….stone cold sober. And he had the nicest smile. He wore jeans for a living. He was tall. He was blonde…but, I could live with that. This one is one I could see myself with…on paper anyway. So….know what that means?…..there are others. And they don’t all have to be working financially stable musicians. God…I hope none of them are. I have no illusions about our future…..because what future? I may still be single…and horny as hell….but, I have hope now. I had hope before….but, now….now I have a muse AND hope.

And….I am aware that there is a little romanticism in my description above….beer goggles, so to speak.  So…..all I’m saying is I liked what I saw…..and, it has been some time since I got all bunched up.

So…as Carrie and I are reviewing the evening she mentions something about him….” he looks just like he did back in the day….”  And, it clicked……1989 had walked right into the bar….and into my life.  And…boys and girls…..you can take the girl out of the 80’s….but, you can’t take the 80’s out of the girl. And, then she says,…….”you have a muse!”

“No, I don’t.” Because I am too old to “fan girl” and I never gushed (writing erotica makes word choices so much more fun) over him before.  But, the next day…..I wake up smiling and singing a song from the band the other night.  I have a muse.  YAY!!!!

I love how life lets you know when you are headed in the right direction.  

(The moral if you missed it is……you have to let go of what isn’t working before you can move on to something that does.)

Parenting is Fucking Hard

So……I am in this ongoing battle to rid the 13 year old boy of video games and his addiction to glowing boxes.  His dad and I kept him away from game boys and home video systems (except wii – that will probably put him in counseling later) for a long time…..5th Grade…..so, I thought we wouldn’t have any of these issues…after all….the girl likes her phone..but, she is not addicted.  I am going to skip to the good stuff……really.

The boy is supposed to park his phone on the kitchen counter when he goes to bed. When I notice it is not there….I go in search of it…..for a while it was easy to catch my son on his phone in his room.  He usually closed the door. Then he got good at listening for me to come down the hall and better at predicting when I would “surprise” him with an open door.  I let him win very, very occasionally…cuz, the game is a little fun.  Plus…confidence makes kids stupid.  Last night….I was going to win. And I did. Boy, did I “win!” I took the phone away last night and went downstairs. I didn’t actually “win” until the next morning.

Irritated, I decided to not charge it and to take it away for a week or so. But, a few minutes later boy comes down stairs and reminds me how difficult it is to locate him when he doesn’t have a phone. Whatevs. I went to bed.

Next morning, I am racing out to work and realize the girl didn’t have school. I decide to set the alarm on my sons phone and put it in his room so he wasn’t late for school and also so I could locate him at his game later in the day.  As I used his password (it might seem like I hardly parent my children….not so…I have passwords and full access to their electronics.) to unlock the phone….something catches my eyes. They got really big and I immediately turned the phone to dark.

Then I thought….”Wait a minute….I’m an adult….I can look at porn.” —– I know…believe me, the behavior and the irony are not at all lost on me.  So….I open it back up and sure enough….my innocent 13 year old boy is looking at porn on his phone.

Newsbreak:  OF COURSE HE IS!!!!!! So….I decide to investigate a little….15 minute video? WOW!!!!!!  I skipped around through it….and discovered….just normal upper middle class white vanilla stuff…..no tatts.  No fake tits.  Just Girl on top, Girl giving blow job. Normal. Normal Stuff.  

So….While I was not devastated or immediately concerned or freaked out…..It was still a surprise. This is normal stuff. Normal behavior for anyone….especially for a 13 year old boy. I could blog about this morning for hours…but, I’m getting to the next part.  I called a friend…who has boys….for support and advice.  I wanted to ask her about a friend she had recently mentioned whose son was addicted to the internet and what they were doing to help him.  And, she dropped this…….her friend….her son is 13.  He is not just addicted to his phone and the internet…he is addicted to porn. He is depressed, on medication, in counseling and it has really effed his young life up.

And, just like that….sirens go off in my head.  How many of my friends have sons who are/were “addicted to video games.” Okay…before I call all of my friends lying bitches…..I am sure that most of my friends whose sons “were addicted to video games” were.  But, among all the people I know….someone just had to have a kid who was addicted to video porn…not video games.  You know. I get it.  Who wants to admit this stuff about their kid? Who wants to admit that they have failed as a parent?

Well…..news flash scaredy cats……share your stories…we could learn.  Maybe the world would be a more forgiving place. And…maybe you could help another parent avoid some of the pitfalls of parenthood.  Or…maybe, just maybe….you might find out you are not the only one. You might make a friend. Learn a new coping skill.  Hear a new idea. And…by the way……you have not failed. Parenting is a marathon event. Make a mistake. Fix it. Move on.  Love your kid.

I do not think my kid is addicted to porn…..but, I am definitely going to have to put the kibbosh on this.  I cannot wait to hear the “truth” as I share my story with my friends.  I am sure you will be reading about it.  

2 final random thoughts…..I am going to stop bitching about my friends not supporting my passion…..because if they don’t read my blog, they can’t get angry when I write about them. And….it occurs to me….I never have had a problem sharing my story (okay…took me awhile to get comfortable telling people I write erotica….) and that may stem from my habit of seeking people out and finding out what we have in common so we can interact.  Maybe others are more aware of their differences…than the things they have in common.

Ah Tom, My Heart is Breaking…..

What The Fuck?  And, I mean:  What? The? Fuck?  We lost another one.  A big one.  My favorite one.  The one whose music has been in my ears since “American Girl” hit the airwaves.  The one whose pictures (45 sleeves) were taped up in my locker for all 4 years of high school. The one who I try to see on every tour simply because he is my favorite. This loss is huge……even if he has already made his impact on the music world and it is unlikely he would have broken new ground or released something so big…he became a household name again.  But, I am going to miss him all the same.

I know who he is.  You know who he is….but, many kids today don’t know.  Don’t care.  And that is probably okay….his impact has already shaped much of the music they are listening to anyway. But, I no longer breathe the same air that he does. I no longer live in a world where he does. And, I no longer will be able to see or hear him perform any of my favorite songs live.  And, that is heartbreaking…..no pun intended.

I saw him a few weeks ago…..40th Anniversary and all.  Awesome show. Solid. Always a joy to be in the presence of rock and roll greatness.  To witness the professionalism, the tightness of a band that has been playing together foralmostfuckingever, and to just enjoy it so damn much….always a pleasure. While I am aware many musicians (including Petty) deliver a scripted show…..I am good with that.  It demonstrates all that Tom Petty believes in musically…..work hard, deliver your best, and give the fans all you’ve got.  I saw him several times and I will say…he never disappoints.  He always leaves me satisfied and confident that my musical taste was impeccable….even as a pre-teen.

This tour was particularly poignant for me…..he played some songs that you would only know if you listened to his entire albums like scores of music fans in the 70s and 80s, including me. Songs I loved and had forgotten about. I was so moved, actually…..I pulled his first 5 or 6 albums out and just played them on shuffle for the next few weeks.  What a joy that was. He took me right back to where I was in my life when those songs weaved themselves into to my heart and memories.

As I sit here writing and crying and trying not to sob at work…….I am thankful he shared his greatness with us…..which sounds so trite……and thankful I saw him so recently.

Incidentally…..I was watching Running Down a Dream a year or so ago……they interviewed his mom (I think it was her).  She said his dad tried to beat the music out of Tom.  Couldn’t.  It made me think…..some things we are just born to do. Well….some of us are.  He was going to be Tom Petty no matter what. He knew deep in the fiber of his being that he was born to do what he was doing. And, then he went and did it. Fantastically. How great would the world be if we all knew what we were supposed to do? And, if we actually did it?  I am not sad for him and a life cut short……he lived his life his way doing his favorite thing. And, he made so many of us happy by sharing his gift. But, I am going to miss him.

RIP American Boy

Dear Dex:

Last night, as I listened to “Gone Away” at the Shoreline Amphitheater, I composed the following letter in my head…..

Dear Dex….I’m a 50ish year old single mother of 2 teenagers….one of each.  My financial situation is such that concerts are a treat for us. A few months ago, we walked into Vans Warped Tour and saw the bill with Offspring and Sublime with Rome. Lawn seats $20! This was a single motherhood trifecta….a band we all liked, a band I had yet to see and had been dying to see for years, AND ticket prices I could afford. Since we live in Sacramento area, I have to fill my tank up with gas and drive 2.5-3.5 hours one way to attend this event.  Because there are three of us…I must purchase 3 tickets. Did I mention I had gotten up at 5 to get to work early so that I could leave early so that I could drive to attend this event?  So….6 hours of driving, a full workday and money spent.

While I did not take the kids out of school early….my son did miss a football game and my daughter missed choir rehearsal for her concert tonight. I’m not even going to mention how tired they will be for the rest of the week because of the 5 hours of sleep they got last night (or, maybe I will). While some parents might question my parenting because I took kids to a concert on a school night…..I say….hey….Dex is a great role model…he recently put his band on hold to get his doctorate.  (I read an interview or something where you stated you wanted to make a difference….don’t discount the impact you make on people every day with your music. You have made a positive difference in the world. Music is important.) Everyone had sacrificed for this night (even the X….this is his week with the kids) and probably expectations were high.  All 3 of us were thrilled to be seeing the Offspring. I am sure you can imagine that it might be difficult to find a band we all like. I was looking forward to Sublime…..I am still angry about the waste of Bradley and all of his genius we missed out on…..but, I was not really a huge Sublime with Rome fan.  My daughter was looking forward to adding to her list of “bands seen.” My son……really only knows the top 3 Sublime songs.  So, when we were late and missed Sublime (wait for it) we were okay with it….because, after all….we were there to see the Offspring.

We are not your ordinary concert goers…their dad is a picky musician (is there any other kind?)….After many years of slogging around bars to support him….I learned a few things: I can tell when the drums sound tight. I know when the mix is good or bad. I also know when mistakes are made…..I used to be like almost everyone I was surrounded by last night….I was just happy to be there and thought it sounded great.  But, now…..WOW…if the mix or the audio is bad…..yeah. Not good.  Both kids follow their dad around to gigs and concerts and the daughter has been in choir for 7 years and taught herself to play guitar.  So….we have had a pretty good night other than missing Sublime… when you came out and started with one of my all time favorites.  Unfortunately, though….the speaker was out or there were audio problems across the back section of speakers….because I could hardly hear you. Instantly girl and I were discussing and assessing and trying to figure out who to notify (this is our standard M.O. at gigs….) and by song 3 things seem to have been figured out. And then they weren’t and then I wrote this note…..in my head. 

Here it comes…..

Imagine my surprise when you had hardly played and I was just getting over my sadness….girl had decided that you probably were a better studio band…..I think that if you were a better studio band…..you wouldn’t still be around 30 plus years later. I told her we needed to come see you with better tickets/seats next time. We debated this for a short time before we realized….

CRAP.  How is it that Offspring is not headlining?  How is it that Sublime with Rome…..a re-act is the headliner? Maybe this is one of those tours where they flip the bill? I don’t know.  But, C’MON…….the Offspring have way more hits and way more really fantastic songs. Well….I could argue this point all day. And….we did.  Still are. We cannot believe that we got this so wrong. Then I realize I wrote the letter to the wrong person/entity…this complaint/whine is a job for Sublime or Shoreline.  Anyway…..I hate it when I have all this righteous indignation and it is all directed at the wrong place.