August 2017 - Writer of porn and other things

Blinded by Stupidity

I love reading the news…..because I can read the headline over and over if it is ridiculous and because of some of the stories that get printed. And then I can rant. Check this one out:

This is an article about how emergency room visits were up after the eclipse last week because some people sprayed sunblock in their eyes to “protect” them before they looked at the eclipse. I don’t know if this is funny or sad or some strange combination of both. So, let me lay the story out for you……because, over the years…people have become too stupid to get out of the sun…we have developed sunblock…all kinds…spray on, roll on, rub on, wipe on. And because that wasn’t enough….we had to add the SPF so people would be protected and, know how long to spend in the sun. Then, we had to add instructions because….well…I don’t fucking know why…..because people are stupid? I would be willing to bet that all of these things exist because of laws or legislation that has passed. Will somebody sue, resulting in more stupid directions on the back of the can? One day, will I have to show my identification or sign a form to purchase something as simple as sunblock?

If you don’t know when to get out of the sun, how can you know how much and how to apply sunscreen? You probably are unable to read. Every summer….there is lots of coverage on TV and print…get new sunscreen…it expires…put on before you go out in the sun……blah blah. So many reminders on how to use sunscreen. And, now…this.

Many articles were posted about how to save yourself from the peril that was the eclipse. I received several emails and voice messages from my kids’ schools about how they were going to protect my kids and their eyesight. It was overkill, if you ask me. Tell the kids to not look (they will). Keep the kids inside (those that want to see will do it anyway).

And…then….this……people put sunscreen on their eyes to help look at the sun during the eclipse. I never one time heard this as advice. Never. So…now, I wonder….is my laughter inappropriate….probably…but, c’mon people…..on what planet does anyone think they can spray anything into their eyes as protection from the sun? This is what sunglasses are for, dumbasses. If you spray sunblock in your eyes to protect them during the eclipse…you probably deserve whatever happens. Survival of the fittest, friend. And you, friend, are not gonna make it. Your last words are probably going to be, “hold my beer and watch this…”

I am tired of my life being legislated. Okay. I am really only angry about one thing…the helmet law. In California. For adults. That one is my own private Idaho. (Are you da ho? Or am I da ho?) But, I agree that we don’t need laws to tell us how to stay alive. If we are not smart enough to do that for ourselves…..we need to be part of the herd that gets thinned.

Grandma Was a Stripper!!!

Today is the 20th anniversary of the death of my mom. And…before you start the boo-hooing….thanks, but, I’m good. My mother was a complicated person. Had she been born about 20 years later, so many things would have been different. She would definitely have benefitted from Prozac and Oprah. And, wine…..she totally missed out on wine……well. Not really….she was quite fond of Sutter Home White Zinfandel. It’s okay to laugh. Because even I remember that Sutter Home White Zin (because that is what the hip and cool kids called it) was what all the cool kids drank. And by, “cool kids”, I mean the parents of that generation. I don’t know anyone today who calls that “wine.”

Mom married young…..mostly, her childhood had been hell so she got pregnant early, got married, and moved away from that. She really didn’t get to be a kid and she had to grow up fast. She had 3 children before she was 20. And was a Grandma when she was 34. (Ouch…..I had my first kid in my mid 30’s. She was a young “Great Grandma” too.) Her husband, my Dad….worked military contracts, so we moved. A lot. This was hard on her too. She wanted to settle. She wanted to have a home. And stay there.

She was way under 10 when she started travelling all over the Bible belt with her parents….along with some weirdos, hucksters, animals, and tents. My mom was a carny. Well, to be honest….her parents were. While I am thrilled to have this piece of Americana in our family history….mom was ashamed of it. (I mean, hey….if we didn’t come over on the Mayflower…..we’ve got this) Which is why I never heard about it until after my mother and both grandparents passed. Okay, that isn’t the only reason.

Not too long after my mom passed, I was helping my dad go through all of Mom’s things. It was late, I was getting ready to head home. Dad and I started to discuss the fact that Mom kept a lot of her past to herself. Or, away from her kids. I think it hindered any relationship any of us would have had with her. And Dad quietly said, “you know why she didn’t talk about it, don’t you?” Um…no….even though I am in my 30’s you still treat me like a kid….so, no I have no idea. Dad said,……”Your Grandpa ran the strip show.” “WHAT?” WTF? – but, we didn’t say that 20 years ago. And while I was still trying to wrap my sheltered, naive ears around what he just said, he drops another bomb.

“And, you know who was in the show?” Okay…..every single one of you knows the answer to that. But, sheltered and Naive says……”Who? Mom?” because that would be preposterous. (My poor dad…must suck to realize how stupid your kids are.) When he told me it was Grandma, I don’t think I stopped laughing until I had to actually breathe. This is the BEST thing ever! And my sisters are 3 hours later than the midnight it is now….I have to wait until tomorrow to tell this story! Maybe I should have been embarrassed too….but, no. All I could think was….how much did she take off? This was the 40s…Bible belt. What did she leave on? Did she have those nipple tassels? Could she make them rotate the opposite way?

2 things occur to me…….1. Why am I surprised I write erotica when those are the questions in my head? And 2…..I should have known…those were my mom’s parents…who had never married. A story for another blog.

I miss and love you, Mom….I wish we could share a bottle or 2 of wine…discuss my new life….and tassells. What great blogs she and I could write together.

One-Eyed Doll

A long time ago I discussed that I may have missed my life calling…I should have been writing about music a million years ago. (I discovered another missed opportunity last night) some of you would argue that I write about music all of the time. Well…I finally found a “band” worth spending an entire blog on.

When I first heard the name….you know what I pictured….yes you do. Something with one eye that you play with. A toy for a boy or girl. Fun for a boy or a girl. But, One-Eyed Doll is a 2 people band…..Kimberly Freeman…singer/guitar player and Jason Rufuss Sewell….snare drummer. No bass player….some would argue this is not a band. Many more would say this is definitely not a metal band. Some would say this is a folk group……hahahaha. Everybody is right and everybody is wrong…..we can debate any day if you are buying. I have been around and interested in music for a long damn time. I have white hair, remember? But this band…..you will not believe.

Before you click this link…..please promise me that you will at least watch the first 90 seconds……it is worth it. Just be patient and resist the urge to skip…you impatient fucks. Okay….it was me…I wanted to skip through some of it. But then…I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I just wanna watch her play guitar and wear those striped tights and whip her hair…and, no…no girl crush here….but, she is so visually compelling that you won’t be able to tear your eyes off of her. I know I couldn’t.

If you haven’t already…..check out: Committed…Afflicted and…..You’re a Vampire…”it’s decorative”….is a funny little line from that song….listen for it.

Honestly…..Everything about this band is compelling. You can’t see everything for long enough (ok…maybe that is just me) and while you are trying to watch…..you can’t believe what you are hearing…metal guitar….banjo…..good solid music, percussion that doesn’t get in the way, great lyrics…she is twisted and scary in a completely hilarious and fun and yes, disturbing way. And, she can sing. There is so much going on….I wanted to watch in silence. Then, listen in darkness. I wanted to absorb all of it.

Do yourself a favor and check them out……if they come to your town. And if not…check these videos out. You may not love it…but, you will have a hard time looking away….. And, at the very least……you can show it to people. Anyone under 20 will be impressed. I know how we all live for that…….