Wheels in my Head

Steeler’s Wheel sings Stuck in the middle….which is an old song from the 70’s?  I am not sure…..something I do know…..Gerry Rafferty (who sang another great song from my youth…..Baker Street) was the lead singer for Steeler’s Wheel. This old song is the theme song to Grace and Frankie…that’s right…I can’t stop writing  about it.   Plus…for years, if you listen to me….I speak not only in rainbows…but in song lyrics.  I thought I was the only one……nope…my 15 year old pit viper does too.  Funny.  I even have a scrapbook of layouts (yes…I am that person, too)  of family pictures with captions as song lyrics…….my divorce layout….It’s Over by Boz Skaggs; pictures of kids in the fall leaves in the yard….All the leaves are brown….” Mamas and Papas…….We’re drinking so much goose, we’re turning into geese..thank you, Hollywood Undead.…..Hanging out with my friends…..This Afternoon by Nickelback (don’t hate)…Lookin’ like another bob Marley day…..Not necessarily the pot thing…but, the wine drinking hanging with my friends thing.

I have been saying “clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right” forfucking ever.  It is just funny.

Spinning Wheel…..what goes up….must come down….spinning wheel, got to go round….such astute wisdom from Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

Frank Zappa and the Mothers…..is a lyric line from a Deep Purple song.  For reasons I will never be able to understand, it occasionally comes out of my mouth…”Frank Zappa and the Mothers”…….and it always comes into my head whenever anyone mentions Frank Zappa or any of his fantastically named children come up.  But, I digress……back to wheel.

Wheel in the Sky……not my favorite journey song….but, it comes to mind.  And…for an amusing moment….check out that video…the clothes are hilarious.

Helen……Helen Wheels….ain’t nobody else gonna know the way she feels”…..I love Band on the Run….one of my favorite albums of all time…..and, Paul looks 22 in that video.

Under my wheels…..Alice Cooper….much different than “Watching the wheels”….which is a line (could be an entire song title…dunno) in a John Lennon song….hmmm…two Beatles.

And….because I have been talking about wheels so much, the word has started to sound strange as it rolls off my tongue….I will leave you with one last thought……

The wheels on the bus go round and round……….

Teenagers are Assholes #1

Welcome…the the first installation of “Teenagers are Assholes”…….I hope you find humor, strength, vindication or just plain support……

I have a beautiful daughter who loved me and thought I was cool. (And, you know what….I am cool: I have the pic of me and Steven Tyler to prove it; my friend’s son plays Lacrosse with Jacoby Shaddix’s son; and another friend – a band manager – received a personal call from Ron Jeremy asking for tickets to an upcoming show…..friend had to tell Ron, “NO”; I can light a cigarette on the back of a moving motorcycle; and, I can drink 2 shots at one time. Coolness personified….even if I am the only one who thinks so.) We discussed music at length, liked similar shows, and discussed boys.  We were not friends…but, she wanted to talk to me.

Then one dark day…..she coiled up like a rattler and took many bites at me…..the poison made my eyes sting with tears, my heart bruise with pain and my head pop off.   I am still recovering…especially since every other day or so…she strikes again.

From the moment she was born, she has filled my life with light and love and joy (even that day when she was 5 and I was taking her to counseling because of the divorce…she was in her car seat in the back of the car yelling, ”you ruined my perfect life.”  She was 5!!!!  I should have known then what was coming up.)  She was a happy, smiley kid who was well adjusted. She has continued to amaze and impress me with her talent, her wit, her drive, her motivation and her just plain ability to be “Awesome”.

Freshman year…..first 3 months….all good…she loves school and her classes and her friends and me……then……there was a mini (or not so mini) explosion of hormones and ….. No…..teenagers are assholes.

I am not sure if it is funny or sad that she reminds me exactly of me at that age. For years I have sworn and told people that I have not had that “moment” in my life, where I felt the need to apologize to my parents or, my mother in particular.  She was difficult….all of my siblings and family can attest.  And, she has been gone for almost 20 years….I have no anger, frustration or unresolved issues with her.  She did the best she could. I learned a lot. And I love and miss her. I would take her back in a second….but, my life is infinitely easier with her not in it.

A month or so ago, I showed up to a school performance of my daughter’s.  Apparently she told everyone and I’m the only one that thought I should go (please note…..I can walk to her school in less time than it would take to drive and park…..so I walked).  I wasn’t going to do anything…just watch her one short performance and leave.  When I got there she was happy, talking to her friends looked to be enjoying high school.  Until her eyes found mine…she instantly frowned and went into “I hate my mom…she disgusts me face”.  Hmmmm…this was just days after she told me I was lazy and just wanted to suck money from her dad.  Well…..hell.  What is a mom to do? I don’t want to miss anything she does….I already miss so much (divorce). And I don’t want to make life harder for her. I had seen that face before.  Well…..I didn’t actually “see” it…..I wore it.  Everyday for 2.5 years when my mom drove me to and from school….10 miles away.  A private college prep school. That was not cheap.  In a nice car…..so…I wore that face for my tireless mom who drove me in the lap of luxury to another lap….of luxury and privilege.  And for that offense….I made that face for her.  Every day.  And…when I got in the car I was a joy.  I looked out the window, counted the trees and treated her like the ridiculous crazy bitch she was.  You know….tireless…twice a day…uprooting herself twice a day.  That kind of lazy bitch. My friends rode the bus.  The RT bus.  With people that smelled and spoke to themselves.  Life sucked for me. No wonder they bought me a car so I could drive myself.  I am sure it wasn’t because I was a snot…..it was because Mom was too lazy to drive me. What a total little bitch.

So….with Mom gone…I call Dad to ask if I was as mean to him and Mom when I was a teenager.  He said no…..of course, he takes meds for Alzheimer’s because he can’t remember anything……

Aah……I don’t want to be this for my kids…I don’t want to be hated, feared, and treated with the gloves of frustration. I will practice….listening without planning response and not reacting/responding immediately….to be calm and take a step back. Especially when I am ambushed.

The issue for me is…..I don’t want to make her life more difficult.  I don’t want her to be unhappy or freaked out.  But….fuck….she is mean. And, I am still her parent. Please note….this was just a whine. I know she is struggling with a lot.  High school teenagerdom. Parents. Siblings, divorce, moving, etc….tough stuff.

Parenthood reminds me everyday that I do not know what I am doing and that I am failing miserably……..


iF U Cee Kay

It has been brought to my attention recently (on more than one occasion) that I say “fuck” a lot. Okay…it was no surprise. I know I have a potty mouth.

A million years ago, I was an outgoing 16 year old going to an all girls catholic school. We had just been given the gift of a young, good looking janitor with a nice butt.  I asked him one day how he liked working at the school.  He said he liked it fine, but there were 2 things he was going to have to get used to: 1. Girls just taking their clothes off in the hallway (well…yeah….who wanted to wear that stupid, polyester, itchy, nightmare any longer than we had too…have you ever tried to get into a girls bathroom at the end of the school day when 300 other girls wanted to get out of their uniforms, too?)  and 2. He said he had worked construction, grew up with brothers….but, he had learned some new swear words at this good old catholic school.

Yeah…..we were not a bunch of nuns (as some kids at public schools thought) and we were not a home for unwed mothers (as some kids at public school thought….) we had to rebel in some way…..so, I guess that was it.  And, I have been honing my craft ever since.  

There is some sort of possibility that had I had my kids younger, I wouldn’t have raised my swearing to an art form. It really is….I can swear anywhere. I can swear inappropriately (last week at the memorial I said “Jesus Christ.” In vain. To the preacher’s wife) So…inappropriate at the inappropriate time. Sometimes I wonder why so many terrific people continue to be my friends.

And…I will admit….Fuck is definitely my favorite word. I have been able to use it as any part of speech: adjective, verb, noun, adverb, preposition. I swear everywhere and in front of everyone. I am not necessarily proud of it.  But, I am not necessarily disgusted by it. It is a bad habit that I have. And, I just don’t think the habit is so bad that I need to change it. I quit smoking. I work in many little ways every day to improve myself.  I want to become more accepting and more loving.  I am not very judgmental….but, I don’t always respond lovingly.  For example….I still want to take a baseball bat to my X. But, I don’t. And, lately…I am trying not to want to beat the crap out of him when he opens his mouth. The struggle is real, people.

I say fuck. A lot. And, I don’t apologize. I am okay with it.  I am honest. I do not steal. I donate to several causes (even when I don’t really have the $$$ to donate). I pray for everyone. A lot. I have taught my kids to say a little prayer every time we hear a siren. I am open, forgiving, helpful, kind, thoughtful and very generous.  I am one of the most positive people you will ever meet.  I am the one who will find something great in the middle of something horrible. I don’t even have to try anymore. It is just who I am. I have many fantastic qualities. I have many faults. Right now, I am okay if one of those faults is that I swear like it is my job. I like me and who I am. There are worse things I could say. There are worse things I could do. There are worse things I could be.  If you are going to judge me….you know what my reply would be……







That 70’s Music

Okay…time to lighten up on my blog.  My silly thoughts on some silly songs from the 70’s.

My girl, is obsessed with the 70’s.  The music, mostly.  Feels like she was born in the wrong era….who could blame her? Born in the 60’s…high school and college in the 80s?  I had the best musical childhood EVER.  I have been playing “who sings this song” with my kids since they were little.  

A few years back, when the kids were tiny, we spent a week with family and friends in a beach mansion.  It was fantastic.  The boys (and my X) spent many hours in the basement playing Guitar Hero. My kids continued to play once home (as did the X).  At some point, we were driving down the road and an Aerosmith song came on.  I asked “who sings this song?” and my son answered (and so happy and proud he knew the answer)…he punched his fists towards the roof of the car and yelled out. “Guitar Hero!”…..well, he wasn’t wrong.

Anyway….I was not about to spend my kids childhood listening to radio disney or some other such nonsense.  I am still mad about the PMRC, no edited versions for me.  Well, I gotta admit, some songs coming out of my kids mouths were ridiculous…..I could write many blogs about that…but, think Godsmack, Kid Rock, Hollywood Undead, Sublime.  You get the picture.

I have taught my kids all about all the great bands, musicians, guitarists, vocalists, etc….from old school country to current metal. I want them to have a broad taste in music and appreciate as much as they can. And, I am just the one to teach them.  And, it works both ways…they play stuff for me…and, then I know what they are listening to. The other day I thought it was time to introduce her to the ridiculousness of the 70’s….and, because Playground in My Mind has been stuck in my head for days (IKR? WTH?) …..when I searched for it on apple music (and, yes, why pay for something I can get for free…but, really….I am saving money not buying all the music I want to listen to.  Yes…I know there are free apps…but, no commercials and apple music has EVERY song!  I don’t buy coffee, get weekly manicures, or color my hair anymore…sue me).

“Why stop there?”, I thought….So, I popped out “Billy Don’t be a Hero” and “Run, Joey, Run” (do yourself a favor and watch/listen to that one….! Why those two songs? I think they were on the same K-tel record…I miss those things…well, they do still have them in other forms, but I digress. Then, I played “Shannon” for her…..Then, “My Ding-a-Ling”. I couldn’t stop….. “Heartbeat, It’s a Lovebeat” and all the other boy bands of that era: Donny Osmond, The Osmonds, The Jackson 5, David Cassidy, his little brother, Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett and the Brothers Gibb (Bee Gees for the young folk)..including youngest brother, Andy. I was on a roll.

I think the worst of this whole thing…I sang these songs at the top of my lungs while I wore out my K-tel record. I can still sing almost every word..and I did. Much to the girl’s amusement (and irritation…she is 15 after all). These songs were bad. I should be embarrassed that I even know them.  As ridic as they are….I still love them.  LAME.  Better go listen to some Metallica.  I played all those dumb bubble-gum songs (I had forgotten that description—it just surfaced) She found them ridiculous and hysterical.  Well, I did too…I mean who wouldn’t?  They don’t stand the test of time.  But, they remind us of how music and radio has evolved.  

We lost Gregg Allman not too long ago.  I figure I have written enough about musicians dying. But, a tiny little memory crept into my head…..remember when Duane (Gregg’s brother) died in a bike crash in 1971?  I do, because my older sisters were worried that Wayne Osmond was the one who died. And, even at my very young age….it didn’t make sense….and Osmond on a motorcycle?  Anyway…..there was some confusion back in the day. Took a while to get sorted out for the fans.  That wouldn’t happen today….not only music and radio have changed….but the way we get our news as well.  

My brain works in ridiculous ways……

Kathy Griffin, Madonna, Gwyneth and the Dixie Chicks

I saw the weird and ridiculous image this week.  You know the one I am talking about….because it is everywhere and it seems that everyone has weighed in.  And, now she is seeking representation because she is being bullied by the family of the person she…..the person she……

I told myself I wasn’t going to get political on my blog. I wanted to stay away from that.  Not because I care (I write porn after all)….but, because it polarizes…..but, here I go….

Kathy Griffin…REALLY? I like her. I always have. Like Gwyneth….I like her. I don’t love or agree with everything she has to say.  I believe she is smart and it looks like she has taken a page out of Madonna’s publicity (this link doesn’t emphasize the story as I saw it. Her video got banned. So, she packaged it, stirred the controversy, and sold it for $25 a copy…genius) book. And…..really….I am not judgemental…..so, I will tell you what thoughts went through my head……

  • Amusing
  • Why? What did he do to her?
  • Why must we resort to violence?
  • I understand you don’t like him….find another way to make your point…..a point that has become a dead horse, btw
  • Spend time/$$$ trying to impeach; or educate; or explain to the public things they may not know
  • Be a source of good, not evil
  • Omg…..does she really need the publicity this badly?
  • How can I respond to this lovingly? Because I am so fucking tired of this bullshit

We live in a free country folks…..so….yes, you can express yourself by publishing a photo of you and a body-less president. And said president and anyone else who disagrees…..can express their opinion about what you did.  Remember the Dixie Chicks?  The said what they wanted.  Gained some fans. Lost some. Learned a lot, I imagine.  I felt the same way then….yeah, you can express your opinion….but, you might look like an asshole. In both cases, I am willing to forgive.  I figure they will get what is coming to them, I didn’t need to deliver it…..wouldn’t it be hilarious if the Dixie Chicks came to Kathy’s defense?  OMG….you saw it here first.  But, think about it….those D Chix…..haven’t had much to say in a long while.

Which brings me to my next point…..Who the fuck cares what Kathy or the D Chix or any other celebrity has to say about anything?  And, why would we take the time to discuss it over and over?  This will be good for her career, I am sure. Since where has it been lately?  But, really…..I don’t know these people.  I couldn’t give a shit what they think. On top of that….our lives have nothing in common.  Also….my friends are an eclectic group…..some on opposite ends of the spectrum.  Some in the middle…..I told you I didn’t care. I can see both sides to the debate.

So….I’m writing about it and it is all over the news. It sure stirred up a lot of shit. Hmmmm….weird. Isn’t she just one of those kind of comedians? Says things for their shock value?  She did just what she set out to do….get attention and let everyone know how she feels about the president.  Look at all of the people who hate him, yet condemn her…..standing up for him in any way supports hims just a little. Don’t ya think?

My rant is almost over……but, my whole point was this…..why be mean? Let’s be nice. If you don’t like something, change it…put your money where your mouth is. Do something to make the situation better.  Make the world a better place.  So..the rant turned into a whine.  Sue me. Have a great week everyone.

P.S. I just googled her to find a link for this blog…..guess what? She is on a 50 city book tour.  Coincidence? C’mon everyone.